2025-02-13T08:11:55Z https://njump.me dendrobatestinctorius https://njump.me/npub1ck3spcm2q38d5td0v65a8rns2su8sp34exjkn3nxnt3xk8tsgy5qf8ar47 https://image.nostr.build/bfc52cf47902f96c1be53a6fd115b5b8f7ab2c655bb98c1dd500263e8b3c7a85.jpg https://image.nostr.build/bfc52cf47902f96c1be53a6fd115b5b8f7ab2c655bb98c1dd500263e8b3c7a85.jpg https://njump.me/nevent1qqs995zqy4pxh0sm8jl9f405wmq4q6xj97tsrmvaauemudgnf3jrlsgzyrz6xq8rdgzyak3d4an2n5uwwp2rs7qxxhy626wxv6dwy6cawpqjs36txyt What am I even doing<br/><br/>I was supposed to do an open mic tonight but got paranoid about the smell of burning rubber that keeps coming from my car when I drive it for more than five minutes. I kept picturing breaking down on one of those massively tall flyovers. If that actually happened I probably wouldn&#39;t even be able to get out of the car, I would probably die of fright like a rabbit, just tachycardia until my heart explodes in my little prey animal chest. <br/><br/>I think I am too paralyzed by fear but my fears come from somewhere. Whether their origin is legitimate or not I don&#39;t know. Ever since I got sober I oscillate between devil-may-care cavalier funtime and very paranoid and neurotic ball of tightly tangled yarn. I have to talk myself into being in the in-between. I have to convince myself it is the best course of action--my natural state is in the extremes.<br/><br/>I am terrified of being stuck indoors again. I need to take the rail into town or something tomorrow and buy a cheap shitty coffee for six dollars and politely decline to give money to homeless people or something. I need to go to the botanical garden that&#39;s like 30 minutes away and look at some plants and snails and what have you. <br/><br/>All these things I need to do, and I don&#39;t do, daily i don&#39;t do them and I neglect myself and my progress and it won&#39;t be good if I continue this pattern.<br/><br/>I have ghosted my AA people for the last time I think. They are too evangelical, there are too many rules and traditions, too much weird jargon and indecipherable shorthand that I never bothered learning. They claim they are not religious but stress believing in spiritual things and adhering to the doctrine of a holy book. I never had a burning bush moment and I don&#39;t think I ever will. <br/><br/>However I do feel more connected to the people around me and less othered by the past. I no longer feel exceptionally persecuted, damaged, and wronged. I&#39;m fucked up in the same way every fucked up person is. I&#39;m grateful that I&#39;m nothing special.<br/><br/>It is 2 AM now. I guess I can wait and see what 3 AM has in store for me or I can take some melatonin and lay down while some youtuber with a british accent drones me to sleep talking about diogenes or quantum computing or something. <br/><br/>Oh, and hello and I am glad to be here. I&#39;m such a slut for new and exciting social media. 2025-02-13T08:07:43Z