16.5 hours. now comes the tough part. wife home from work, she smokes so ciggies are easy to get from her. Just got to make it through the next 5-7 hours and I will be asleep and ok for some hours. But I need to make it through the next hour first, and the next minute before that.
So, I don't normally have anxiety, but nicotine withdrawal gives me this feeling in the pit of my stomach (actually, maybe more just a tightness or emptiness in my chest in general) that I can compare to similar physical anxiety symptoms. It feels similar to hunger, so I want to feed it - but it isn't really hunger, so it never really gets fed.
I'm sure my normal satiety sense is weakened by all this. I know I'm eating more than usual, but I made that deal with myself already - I'm going to be OK with eating things I normally wouldn't, like granola bars, or almonds, even peanut butter and hot fudge, if they are helping get me through the next 72 hours, and really the next 3 weeks. I'm not going to eat donuts, and I don't see most vegetables or fruits helping much. The truth is, I'm not physically or emotionally addicted to that shit. If I fuck up my ketosis or whatever for a few weeks, big fucking deal, at least I might kick the nicotine that I am actually addicted to. After I get past that, it should be no big deal to not eat all the other shit I haven't been eating anyway.
Will any of it really help? Probably not. but maybe it will distract me just enough if I pretend.
I was just thinking - should I go down to the fast food place and get a big nasty bacon cheeseburger? and I know I could. But I think even if I did, I would still ask for it with no sauce or veggies, toss the bun in the trash, and end up eating meat and maybe a slice or two of bullshit fake cheese.
I really liked pizza even, and I would rip the meat and cheese off the top of a couple slices if I wanted some nostalgia. I even ordered a thin crust with lots of meat toppings pizza for Bitcoin Pizza day and slammed that whole thing in my piehole - but that kind of did it for me.
I can't un-know what I know now. Even if I "cheat" or whatever, I know it isn't food, just nostalgia or emotion. I don't see even going back to pretending that I am being healthy eating plants, or balanced anything. I like balancing a pat of butter on my steak while its melting. That's my fucking balanced diet.
I'm not sorry for using certain words. fuck that. I also don't care much about grammar or capitalization right now. and if you're reading this, you already know this is the rambling of a poisoned mind.