I know little of formal analysis, so you'll have to put up with my making up terminology on the spot:
You may have accidentally put yourself in hard mode; each line is bifurcated. That means their halves commit to being part of the poem's form, but I can't presently detect any relationship between them. A reader or listener becomes subconsciously confused when such rhythms don't pay off.
Sometimes, bifurcation occurs when a poet can't quite figure out how to get a single, nice line working and falls back on hiding two shorter lines inside. Be on guard against this.
An experiment: See what happens when you rewrite the second and fourth lines without pauses. Then, see if you can make the first and third lines' halves relate to each other by stress and rhyme.
Tense starts indeterminate, drops into the past, then shifts to an incompatible present-future with "fate shall smile upon them". Two choices:
"the twins cried."/"fate would smile upon them" keeps us firmly in the present while speaking about the past.
"the twins cry."/"fate shall smile upon them" transports us to the past entire.
The meter's off, though without a knowledge of what you're going for I can only suggest you pick one and try to stick to it.
獣耳会社ｗａｎ /
npub1e9q…6f7m
2024-02-25 06:58:18
in reply to nevent1q…2cqd
Author Public Key
npub1e9qm25a7unpfqhprzduyl7lknkggqr7rh6qgry48phalymzp6gpskn6f7mPublished at
2024-02-25 06:58:18Event JSON
{
"id": "0c5ffb62daf93af7769bb2631918b0d73b08f470c1c110dc40f810d5a508982f",
"pubkey": "c941b553bee4c2905c2313784ffbf69d90800fc3be808192a70dfbf26c41d203",
"created_at": 1708840698,
"kind": 1,
"tags": [
[
"p",
"cb431a196af68c5ea76541b95ede76de256b6959322e56f564c2584995d78e5e",
"wss://relay.mostr.pub"
],
[
"p",
"4f96ec322f00df2147d00d2cc8806c3538ae7817cd6a9af309bc10e8da044587",
"wss://relay.mostr.pub"
],
[
"e",
"4d95369ceda2e0640d721287be0f160a2689e13d33c950bb53fdcf0f5561bbb7",
"wss://relay.mostr.pub",
"reply"
],
[
"proxy",
"https://poa.st/objects/c731d78a-9c7b-485e-b984-1adc93b6a927",
"activitypub"
]
],
"content": "I know little of formal analysis, so you'll have to put up with my making up terminology on the spot:\n\nYou may have accidentally put yourself in hard mode; each line is bifurcated. That means their halves commit to being part of the poem's form, but I can't presently detect any relationship between them. A reader or listener becomes subconsciously confused when such rhythms don't pay off.\nSometimes, bifurcation occurs when a poet can't quite figure out how to get a single, nice line working and falls back on hiding two shorter lines inside. Be on guard against this.\nAn experiment: See what happens when you rewrite the second and fourth lines without pauses. Then, see if you can make the first and third lines' halves relate to each other by stress and rhyme.\nTense starts indeterminate, drops into the past, then shifts to an incompatible present-future with \"fate shall smile upon them\". Two choices:\n\"the twins cried.\"/\"fate would smile upon them\" keeps us firmly in the present while speaking about the past.\n\"the twins cry.\"/\"fate shall smile upon them\" transports us to the past entire.\nThe meter's off, though without a knowledge of what you're going for I can only suggest you pick one and try to stick to it.",
"sig": "17b6531c528b4262caa0c65ff944eaf42172299ab3174ab875f108de3c9b68d5c74a1f2c54dc2b28cd9903f26adf8840ed4c2ecf5474b0ec31678b7ef35c6338"
}