:VD15_0::VD15_1::VD15_2::VD15_3::VD15_4::VD15_5::VD15_6::VD15_7: on Nostr: I've always felt lonely since I was a kid but it's gotten a lot worse in recent years ...

I've always felt lonely since I was a kid but it's gotten a lot worse in recent years and I don't see it getting better anytime soon.

I don't even know if I actually want friends. Talking to other people always scares me when I need to talk to them or annoys me when they need to talk to me. I always feel like everyone subtly hates me but that might just be me projecting.

I'm not a good person in my own opinion and it's because I don't want to put in any of the effort to do the things that might make me a good person. I think I'm craving the approval of others to make up for the fact that I don't approve of myself. I can't imagine someone holding me to any other standard and I can't imagine someone who would like me as a result. As if finding someone who likes me will suddenly make me not a shit person.

I need to either live up to my own standards for myself and fundamentally change who I am or drop those standards completely and cease any personal growth as a result. Both options terrify me equally.