Fesshole 🧻

Official Fesshole account on Mastodon - Rob Manuel reads your 100-400 confessions submitted a day and chooses what to post.

A https://B3ta.com production

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Last Notes

2026-02-22 18:20:06 GMT

Recently discovered you can instantly go up a good 10% in any woman's estimation by slipping the fact you've had a vasectomy into casual conversation. One group actually applauded me. Had no idea this would happen.

2026-01-20 23:20:06 GMT

I persuaded my father-in-law to switch mobile phone providers because the one he was using "means the Chinese can listen in" - but really it was just because of the way he pronounced his current provider with a J sound rather than a G.

2026-01-15 13:20:05 GMT

I'm haunted by the realisation that, although my parents died just before the referendum, they both would have voted Leave. It's unfairly tainted my memory of them. That last decade parroting Daily Mail headlines. I'm so angry at those who poison the thoughts of good people.

2026-01-10 10:20:06 GMT

I'm having to work as a TV extra & I'm embarrassed about having to do this shit. However not one person in my family or any of my friends have been in touch asking if it was me in the background during the Christmas special of the soap I was in. 3.3m viewers apparently.

2026-01-08 18:20:06 GMT

Since owning an air fryer I got one of them probe thermometers for cooking. Never cleaned the probe. Just sits there on windowsill until next bit of meat or fish needs checking. Not exactly exemplary food hygiene but I bet I'm not alone.

2026-01-08 13:20:06 GMT

I once got the nodding respect of my fellow bus passengers for paying the fare of a woman who only had a £20 note. It wasn't out of any charitable urge - the argument would have lasted until the heat death of the universe, and nobody's got time for that.

2026-01-08 09:20:05 GMT

I used to work for a major newspaper, I'm almost certain that one of my senior colleagues was actively working in Russia's interests, but I couldn't prove anything concrete. He still works there.

2026-01-07 15:20:06 GMT

I'm a chef with 24 years experience and I still don't know which is the "pestle" and which is the "mortar"

2026-01-07 14:20:06 GMT

Worked in a British Rail station café in the late 80s. First job of the day was to hide behind a large fridge door and remove the "use by" stickers from sandwiches unsold the previous day and replace them with new ones.

2026-01-07 12:20:08 GMT

I've worked in IT since 1983, and seen many trends come and go, but this new thing of Junior Devs using mechanical keyboards is killing me. Just because you've got a keyboard that clicks doesn't mean that you're in any way competent. I think I might be done.

2026-01-07 11:20:08 GMT

45 y/o, in a nightclub for first time in years. Young lad burst into the toilets & caught me furtively trying to open a little ziploc bag. He said "just a heads up, the bouncers come in here to check for drugs". Couldn't tell him it was my bag of googly eyes, to stick on a poster

2026-01-07 09:20:06 GMT

The big family row at our home this Christmas focused on Star Trek, of course. I argued that it's not possible for a Betazoid to be attractive to humans because they are too creepy. Anyone who can read your mind is an abuser and manipulator, not a friend.

2026-01-06 19:20:05 GMT

My local foxhunt think I'm a huge supporter. Truth is I've been using the info to secretly sab them for years. I've passed on proof about illegal hunting that has had two people arrested & definitely helped get trail hunting banned. Regret nothing.

2026-01-06 18:20:06 GMT

I absolutely love and adore my dog, but sometimes when he's sleeping next to me on the couch I can't help thinking about how much good eating there is in his legs.

2026-01-06 15:20:05 GMT

I have an Irish passport but my partner has a British passport. Going to get a relaxing coffee whilst he's queueing with the Brits is the part of the holiday I look forward to the most.

2026-01-05 16:20:05 GMT

My only regret about transitioning is how disgusting men's toilets are compared to women's.

2026-01-04 14:20:06 GMT

For Christmas entertaining, I froze ice cubes with small berries in them. In a few, I concealed Mentos mints. It was excellent watching people's reactions when the ice melted enough for their Cokes to suddenly erupt for no apparent reason

2026-01-04 10:20:07 GMT

One of the perks of having small kids is you're socially allowed to be feral again, running around soft play, doing silly voices, climbing stuff, and everyone just thinks you're a "great parent". Dreading the day they grow up and I have to go back to pretending I'm normal.

2026-01-03 12:20:07 GMT

When I was 6 I signed a Christmas card for a boy in my class not with my name, but with a drawing of a spider. Despite the teacher, who was also his mum, asking everyone who it was, I never owned up. Matthew, it was me.

2026-01-01 12:12:25 GMT

Whenever I'm in a bookshop I always move copies of The Salt Path from non-fiction to fiction. Lying bastards.

2025-12-31 12:20:07 GMT

Work trousers became loose. Convinced I had some wasting disease. Belt was broken.

2025-12-30 08:20:05 GMT

Married for 15 years, we've spiced up our sex life by writing erotic fiction to each other. Discovered we're both far more depraved than either previously realised. Highly recommended.

2025-12-29 19:20:05 GMT

Struggle with my kid, he's been made into a fucking idiot by stupid music and social media. Can't stand the little fucker, he's 17 and literally has no prospects, keeps thinking he'll be the next influencer. Dickhead.

2025-12-29 08:20:05 GMT

After seeing Bonnie & Clyde a couple of years ago I started wearing a beret a la Faye Dunaway. Thought I looked cool. Had to look up who Frank Spencer was after my parents kept asking me where Betty was. Beret went to the charity shop.

2025-12-28 14:20:05 GMT

My daughter scalded herself trying to make me a cup of tea. Hospital bandaged it up but it still hurt. I wrote her a "prescription" requiring her to swear like a sailor every time it hurt while in school, to help manage the pain. Awkward conversation with the head teacher.

2025-12-26 23:20:06 GMT

I try to park my Vespa next to another Vespa in the carpark whenever possible so they can chat, in Italian.

2025-12-26 21:20:05 GMT

I set a nine minute timer on my watch after I make a tea so I remember to drink it at the perfect temperature.

2025-12-26 19:20:05 GMT

Was once in an elevator with Gillian Anderson. She looked like she had the flu at the time. I'm a massive X-Files fan, but I managed to keep my cool. I just politely told her that I love her work, then she shook my hand. A day later I got the flu. Thanks Gillian, best flu ever.

2025-12-26 10:20:06 GMT

Got bored at home one day and decided to use the wife's vibrator for some arse action during a particularly satisfying tug sesh. Forgot to wash it off and she got a nasty infection. Would've been sorry but she thought she caught it from a guy she shagged at a party and confessed.

2025-12-25 22:20:06 GMT

Last Christmas I made my family discuss what Jesus would have been eating at his Christmas dinner when he was 18. Obviously not turkey. We eventually agreed that it was probably some kind of falafel and I must never ask this question again.

2025-12-25 21:20:06 GMT

To de-stress, I often imagine myself as a dragon who solves the worlds problems by eating the people I deem responsible for them. I imagine the taste to be disapponting but the texture pleasantly crunchy and vindictively satisfying.

2025-12-25 16:20:05 GMT

My wife washes the laundry and I iron it. Not because we are a modern couple who share the housework. Because we both made serious mistakes with the other job and can't be trusted with anything else.

2025-12-25 14:20:06 GMT

1996. Someone broke into my car. Stole my stereo and speakers. Rifled through my CDs but didn't take any. I was, and still am, more annoyed about that than the theft.

2025-12-24 19:20:06 GMT

Father of two daughters. Started sitting down to pee when they were toddlers so if they walked in they'd see how it was done. 10 years later still doing it; so much more comfortable; less drips and no mess. Men; ignore the propaganda, sit to pee.

2025-12-24 13:20:07 GMT

I've never shoplifted but I was traumatised by being confronted and accused of shoplifting a few times by shop owners and security staff when I was a kid. To this day when I enter a shop I zip my coat pockets shut so it doesn't looks like I could conceal an item in them. I'm 60.

2025-12-23 23:20:05 GMT

Husband keeps getting parking fines in post. Gets really angry, swears he doesn't remember parking/always pays etc. Out other day & asked me like he normally does to pay to park on my app, realised I had the reg letters wrong. Oops, sorry. Will never tell him though.

2025-12-23 17:20:05 GMT

I'm a tall man, had long hair & a bead - think grunge rock style. I decided to shave my beard off & shorten my hair when I got a job as a porter in our local hospital, after three people mistook me for Jesus & thought I was there to take them to heaven instead of the next ward.

2025-12-23 13:20:06 GMT

I'm a GP. In my old surgery about a year ago, a new patient I'd never met before came in complaining of penis pain. He sat down & introduced himself as Willie Hurt. I laughed out loud, thinking he was being funny. He wasn't. His name was William Hurt but he shortens it to Willie.

2025-12-23 09:20:05 GMT

I agreed to let my wife indulge her lesbian fling thinking it might have spiced up our sex life in the long run, a year later she has just packed up and is moving in with her lover.

2025-12-22 23:20:06 GMT

My wife always pulls one arm or leg inside-out when undressing. It drives me mad when hanging washing out to dry. I could easily correct the inside-out half, but choose instead to pull the rest of it inside-out to give her more work when putting the clothes back on.

2025-12-22 21:20:06 GMT

Husband always impressed with how clean I manage to get the toilet seat. Don't have the heart to tell him I run it through the dishwasher.

2025-12-22 08:20:05 GMT

Family deaths means this year I am facing my first Christmas alone. Assured friends I won't spend it by myself and I've got social plans. But I don't. I'm going to put up a little tree and some tinsel, have a crate of beer and a curry and watch reruns of Blake's 7. Fucking bliss.

2025-12-21 17:20:05 GMT

I'm a trans woman who, if anyone ever asks, will give my deadname as a different male name each time. It's been the single fastest way to find people who talk behind my back. If that name leaks I know just who leaked it and just who to instant block forever.

2025-12-21 14:20:05 GMT

My other half is pushing me to go to the doctors to investigate my insomnia. I don't have insomnia, I just stay up stupidly late because that's the only time where I don't have a man/child/dog/cat/parent/friend bothering me for stuff and I can read/sew/play games in peace.

2025-12-21 10:20:06 GMT

When the wife is ordering you pile cream on her Amazon Prime account you know the honeymoon period has well and truly gone.

2025-12-21 07:40:11 GMT

Catch Fesshole Live in Leicester, Luton and Leeds – tickets available now! We’re off to Sweden too, visiting Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and bringing Anon Opin to Leicester. https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/115/756/421/002/461/303/original/401b53af122f8c2e.png

2025-12-20 23:20:06 GMT

In my teens I used to look forward to my parents buying the Christmas Radio Times because film listings included the age ratings. A hormone riddled me would scour for anything 18 rated. You had to take what you could back then.

2025-12-20 12:20:07 GMT

In November 2019 I paid a social media marketing guru to rewrite my Tinder profile and spruce up my profile pics. Had a first date with my now-husband in February 2020. We married two-and-a-bit years later. Best £90 I ever spent - he's my gravity and I'm so happy he said yes.

2025-12-19 23:20:11 GMT

My wife wants to go to the USA next year. I have taken the moral high ground that I will not go to America while current President is in office. Truth is I have spent so much time slagging off Trumpet, Agent Orange and the Mango Mussolini on social media, I doubt I'll get in

2025-12-19 22:20:05 GMT

Neurologist here. Years ago one of our patients had a brief loss of consciousness. When he woke up, I told him it was 3 years later. Our head nurse added "and your wife has left you."

2025-12-19 21:20:06 GMT

Kind of a boring one but I used to "adopt" abandoned sections of green between roadways, come in, remove invasive plants & then spread seeds for native ones. Illegal sure, but mundane. It was fun though.

2025-12-18 20:20:05 GMT

I work in a sports shop, a football fan from a rival club bought his team's shirt and wanted their star striker's name on the back. I spelt it wrong and he never noticed, he's got the name of a country that is famous for tulips and windmills instead.

2025-12-18 18:20:06 GMT

You lucky cunts who don't have or work with kids have no idea how lucky you are you don't have to hear "6-7" every minute of the day. Genuinely feel like just disappearing and living off the grid.

2025-12-18 16:20:05 GMT

In my teenage years I had a fling with a mate's divorced mum. It was great, she taught me a lot and I apparently satisfied her needs. Fast forward 40 years and I've reconnected with the mate who's invited me to his mum's 80th b'day party as she 'always spoke fondly of me'.

2025-12-17 21:20:05 GMT

My husband has opted out of donating his organs. I love him to bits but if he goes first and has viable organs that would help others, I will be doing everything possible to make sure they get donated.

2025-12-17 10:31:09 GMT

Learned to drive in my 40s. Massively regret it. So stressful. Make a mistake and best case scenario is hundreds of pounds of damage, worst case is I die. Get me back to the train.

2025-12-16 20:20:05 GMT

In a moment of extreme boredom at work I photocopied a paperclip using an entire pack of paper which I then reloaded into the copier, paperclip image right side up. I'd forgotten about this until a photocopier repair man had the machine in pieces looking for the paperclip.

2025-12-16 15:20:06 GMT

English isn't my wife's first language, but she's lived in UK 20+ yrs. This morning, at a carol concert, I learned she has been singing that "Christ, Arse Saver" is born during 'Silent Night' the whole time. "Because he saves our arses, yes?"

2025-12-16 14:20:04 GMT

I don't consider myself a grass, but if you're driving like a twat and I've caught it on dash cam, you'd better believe it's getting reported to the police. My favourite report is people intentionally splashing pedestrians with puddles, you're a knob if you think that's funny.

2025-12-16 12:20:07 GMT

We got snow for the first time in years and I wanted to go sledging but the kids were at school and I didn't want to go by myself. So I rang school and said there had been a family bereavement and needed to collect the kids. Still gets mentioned now by them.

2025-12-15 23:20:05 GMT

I was the engineer on a certain artist's solo album in the 90s. This arrogant helmet treated us and his own musicians abysmally. Several of us are on the opening track at a barely traceable level, whispering, "Cuuuuunt, [REDACTED] is a cuuuuuunt".

2025-12-15 19:20:07 GMT

I recently discovered that someone I know has tickets to go and see Louis CK in January 2026, and now I understand why he's divorced.

2025-12-15 18:20:05 GMT

Told a co-worker I'm colour-blind because she kept writing in yellow pen and I hated it. Manager overheard, asked if I struggle with our software, I had to keep the lie going. Now they've spent thousands upgrading it for colour-blind accessibility. Oops.

2025-12-15 14:20:06 GMT

I love Lindor truffles. They're at their best when slightly melted on the inside. To achieve this I tuck one, still wrapped, under one of my boobs for five minutes which is long enough to melt the inside without destroying the structural integrity of the outside. Delicious!

2025-12-15 11:20:08 GMT

Well, that was fun. Just got out of A&E. Was eating dinner on the sofa, then a massive spider zoomed across the living room and ran up my leg. Screamed like a banshee then tried to stab it with my fork. Obviously, I missed the spider & stabbed myself in the thigh, didn't I?

2025-12-15 09:20:08 GMT

I used to flick through John Lewis wedding lists to find something cheap until they locked them down. I'd buy them something like a single saucer and say something like "from all your friends at the Boyzone Fan Club." I hope hope they found it as baffling as I found it funny.

2025-12-14 19:20:06 GMT

I wasn't clever enough as a child to know that sticky-back-plastic was just sellotape so I never attempted to make anything I saw on Blue Peter. I'm fucking angry about this to this day. I'm 50!

2025-12-14 11:20:08 GMT

I just realized I'm old. I like making soup and watching birds outside. I'm a 43-year-old man.

2025-12-13 16:20:05 GMT

Working in A & E is weird . Like a war zone at best of times. Even had a fella come in for dandruff, think he was just lonely but Jesus Christ.

2025-12-13 12:20:05 GMT

Went to Japan as teen exchange student, bit nervous etc. Taken to dinner by host family immediately upon arrival. Went to loo, potent tapware left obvious splashmarks on crotch. Decided to remove trousers and entirely soak them in sink to match colour. Squelched through dinner.

2025-12-13 09:20:05 GMT

When I was about seven, an uncle told me you had to remove the yellow bit from an egg before eating it. I removed the yolks from every egg I ate up to the age of 14 when a tableful of school mates ended up rolling around the floor in hysterics when I explained what I was doing.

2025-12-13 08:20:06 GMT

Every time my dog does a poo I use the compass on my phone to note which way she was pointing. I then put all the bearings into a spreadsheet for analysis.

2025-12-11 18:20:05 GMT

Husband loves Spotify Wrapped and hates Joni Mitchell. All year i've been playing non-stop Joni on his laptop every Sunday while he's at football. Now we wait.

2025-12-11 16:20:06 GMT

My daughter had stopped using her seatbelt. So I showed her the "Julie knew her killer" road safety advert from 1998. No need to ask now. Clunk click, every trip.

2025-12-11 15:20:09 GMT

Over 20 years built up a porn collection of 35Tb. Have been using the Stash app to catalog it with great care. It showed that watching all the clips back to back 24/7 would take over 5 years. Woke up yesterday with the thought that it very sad behavior and deleted the lot.

2025-12-11 12:20:08 GMT

I've been putting a dash of Worcestershire sauce in my coffee for the last 5 years, it is an absolute game changer but I think it may be one of the many reasons my wife left me

2025-12-11 08:20:06 GMT

I had stayed at my boyfriend's house one night and needed a hair tie the next morning. I looked in the drawer, but could only find one made of soft rubber. It did the job, however when I returned to his house, he told me I had been wearing his cock ring in my hair all day.

2025-12-10 21:20:05 GMT

My mate smoked a lot of weed, then went to the bathroom to get ready to go out. When he came down he had stripes of toothpaste in his hair, which he had spent ages doing so that he would look like a badger. He obvs looked ridiculous. I said he looked cool, so we went out.

2025-12-10 18:20:05 GMT

When I was about 12 coming home on the school bus on a very snowy day I saw my dad walking home from work, it was about 7 miles. I wanted to stop the bus and give him a lift but I was such a shy little girl I didn't. 60 years later I still feel guilty and I never told anyone

2025-12-10 17:20:07 GMT

Center Parcs is great but going to the pool and seeing all the different sized and shaped middle aged bodies is a timely reminder of what the dating pool could look like post divorce, better to stay married I think.

2025-12-09 16:20:07 GMT

Went to Comedy Store with friends years ago. Friend's wife was sitting right behind me and wouldn't shut up and Paul Merton thought it was me. All night he called me a cunt. To this day I can't have him on tv with switching over. I'm actually anxious even talking about this.

2025-12-08 23:20:06 GMT

I have Scottish blood on my maternal side. I was always proud of this fact until the other day, when my mum told me true Scots make porridge with water and salt instead of milk and sugar. Fucking savages.

2025-12-08 17:20:07 GMT

Since I was a kid I've thought some numbers are simply better than others. Not sure if this started from lucky numbers, it's an aesthetic thing or it's some Neuro-diversity issue but some are simply better. Just be clear 1 and 9 are superior, 2 and 8 are inferior scum.

2025-12-08 10:20:08 GMT

I'm an author. Everyone who gives my books a 1-star review, which, not to be cocky, is rather rare, I use their name to create a terrible, hated character in my next book who gets killed off most gruesomely. You've been warned.

2025-12-08 09:20:08 GMT

Me & the wife don't bother with Xmas/birthday presents for each other, instead we wrap random things from around the house for the kids to give us. Best presents so far have been a single flip-flop and a remote for a TV we don't own. Makes life so much easier.

2025-12-08 08:27:16 GMT

After watching multiple films saying that a career as a plumber would lead to lots of sex with lonely housewives, I couldn't wait to get started. Twenty years on, I've only ever had one BJ and that was because her pension couldn't cover the cost. And she took her teeth out.

2025-12-07 22:20:06 GMT

I quit a large multinational as my manager was terrible. He gave me a rush project in my last fortnight, so I decided to write in in FORTRAN 77 (an approved language at the time). No-one else in our team knew it, so it had to be rewritten delaying the project. Boss got no bonus.

2025-12-07 21:20:05 GMT

There's an episode in Blackadder 3 where Edmond uses made-up words to convince Samual Johnson that he's missed stuff from his dictionary. I have been using these same words in work meetings and reports for decades without ever being challenged on their authenticity.

2025-12-07 19:20:05 GMT

Until I was well into my 20s, I thought Van Morrison was one of those surname-on-its-own singers like Morrissey and that the 'Van' part of it was a stupid affectation he'd added to make it sound like he was of Dutch heritage. This isn't a shit joke. I really thought this.

2025-12-07 09:20:07 GMT

I feel like Commander Adama warning people he won't have a network on the Galactica when I tell my family that under no circumstances will I allow a smart device into my house. No internet connected doorbells, washing machines, air fryers, lightbulbs. None. Not during my watch.

2025-12-06 19:20:06 GMT

I live in Wales and today received my Join Us letter from Reform UK, complete with SAE which I posted back to them, immediately, empty. If every other person in Wales did this, Reform would spend over £1.5 million on postage. Not sorry. Join me Cymru.

2025-12-06 14:20:05 GMT

I recently started selling my old clothes on an app that rhymes with Tinted. A woman who seemed familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it, bought a dress from me via said app. Turns out I had sex with her husband in that dress. Hope it brings her as much luck as it bought me.

2025-12-05 12:20:05 GMT

Our French school teacher was called Mr Segar. Every time he walked into the room the whole class would cry out "SEGAAA…!" akin to the start of Sega Megadrive games. He always asked why we did it but to my knowledge no one ever told him.

2025-12-05 10:20:09 GMT

I thought I wanted to be in a poly relationship. I was wrong. I just love diary management and planning.

2025-12-04 16:20:06 GMT

Girlfriend called me in a panic. She had called the police who had swarmed our son's preschool because he was missing, nobody could find him. Cops had a helicopter out, dogs everywhere, and everything. Turned out I dropped him off at the wrong preschool that morning.

2025-12-04 14:20:07 GMT

I've been sticking googly eyes on bulletin boards, posters, computer screens etc in work for 3 years. There's recently been "flash alerts" at start of shift saying whoever is doing it to stop & HR are getting involved. Do I continue or quit while my identity is still a mystery?

2025-12-04 12:20:08 GMT

Work in an old peoples care home, the most common regret about their lives is the sex they didn't have. Now a lot of them are making up for that.

2025-12-03 12:20:09 GMT

My 40-year-old wife went to buy champagne for our wedding anniversary dinner. I phoned the off licence after she left, gave a description of her and what she was buying and requested they ask her for ID. She came home absolutely beaming. It's the simple things.

2025-12-03 10:20:11 GMT

I gave a promotion to the second top employee on my team, instead of the first. Because I caught the first one making himself a cup of tea in the office microwave. Inexcusable barbaric behaviour.

2025-12-02 19:20:05 GMT

Since my wife started working from home like me, I never get the place to myself. So every night I stay up late after she's fallen asleep, watching TV & reading. Next day I'm knackered. Stuck in a loop of tiredness & headaches but can't stop. Wish she'd get an office job again.