Fesshole 🧻

Official Fesshole account on Mastodon

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* Fesshole is a project by robmanuel of b3ta.

Public Key

npub1l0mhutdtu7s9qh0srrql3pc669f8ajpx6me2arzjqcy3w5wlk29swwgeaf

NIP-05 Address

[email protected]

Profile Code

nprofile1qqs0ham79k470gzsthcp3s0csuddz5n7eqnddu4w33fqvzgh280m9zcpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dshhyyl5

Publishing to

relay.damus.io

nos.lol

Author Public Key

npub1l0mhutdtu7s9qh0srrql3pc669f8ajpx6me2arzjqcy3w5wlk29swwgeaf

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Last Notes

2024-09-02 20:25:02

As a teenager in Neustrelitz (East Germany), I painted small stones purple and left them all over town. Did it for years. It drove the police and Stasi nuts. It meant nothing. It just felt good to do something they couldn't control or understand.

2024-08-30 18:25:19

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I'd no intention of travelling. It's the small wins.

2024-07-12 18:25:02

My wife finds it hilarious that my 3 siblings are all on their second marriages and we're the perfect couple. I can never tell her I've been married before and I'm shitting myself that my family will let the cat out of the bag.

2024-07-12 15:25:02

Me and my two brothers all learned Esperanto as teens so we could communicate in secret, now it's bloody useless unless we meet for a pint and want to talk shit without everyone in the pub knowing

2024-07-03 20:25:03

I've just pulled out a nose hair that was about 2cm long. I feel like I've pulled half my brain out. It's the best thing that's happened to me all day

2024-07-02 12:25:02

Until I was 12, I believed toilet brushes were for scrubbing your bum clean after a shit. I only realised this wasn't the case when I was at a friend's house and asked his mum where the bum brush was.

2024-07-01 13:25:02

As a teenage passenger in my mates car I thought it would be funny to moon the car next to us. Wound down the window, pulled down my pants and stuck my arse out out of the window. Unfortunately I overcommited on a fart and ended up shitting out of the window over their car door

2024-06-24 01:25:02

My boyfriend has started working from home 1 day a week. The way he speaks to his colleagues has been a bit of an eye opener that's making me reconsider our relationship. Just today i've heard him say the phrases low hanging fruit, synergy, proof in the pudding & extra bandwidth.

2024-06-21 21:25:02

When I was promoted to the head of cybersecurity for a particular finance company, I enforced a lot of quite unpopular changes to improve security. One of the most unpopular changes I made was force-updating the password to nationally-sensitive financial systems from "Password1".

2024-06-20 18:25:02

I spend 3 hours a day commuting on trains. My favourite activity to pass time is finding people named Karen on Twitter and Facebook who are complaining about something, and then calling them "a Karen". They go berserk.

2024-06-19 15:25:02

I've been wheelchair bound since 2018. I am so fucking tired of having my path completely blocked by arseholes parking their cars on the pavement, I now carry a small Swiss Army Knife with one of those metal punch attachements. 33 tyres ruined and counting. Cunts.

2024-06-18 19:25:03

My and my sister have been re-gifting each other the same, awful knitted jumper on our birthdays. She wraps it and gives it to me on my birthday. I re-wrap it and give it back to her on her birthday. We've been doing it for 10 years so far.

2024-06-18 15:25:03

Do you ever see how badly faded the red paint on almost all Royal Mail vehicles is? I was on the procurement panel that signed off on that multi million pound vehicle livery contract. I feel like I might have damaged Royal Mail's excellent reputation.

2024-06-16 23:25:02

I'm a hobby lock picker and some friends of mine booked an escape room where we had to find number combinations for padlocks. It was fastest wins so i just picked the locks, about 15 seconds each, now I'm trying to explain myself to my friends without sounding like a thief.

2024-06-13 14:25:03

I'm an anaesthetist. If you hear us asking you if you are warm enough we are really checking to see if you are actually asleep.

2024-06-13 12:25:03

Daughter and I used to talk in a made up alien language when she was little. She grew out of it and it crushed me. I picked her up after she'd been on a night out. She started doing it again while drunk and we sat for an hour in the car and it is the happiest I've felt in years.

2024-06-11 23:25:02

Tried brewing alcohol. First batch was a monumental failure & went down the drain. Second batch was a success but it tasted so weak & like it had a low ABV%, so I drank it all quick. Woke up next afternoon in a bush, in my boxers, 21 miles away from home, no idea how I got there.

2024-06-10 12:25:03

Sold my ex's very expensive watch on Ebay, it was sold, we reconciled, I had to say it was stolen in a house party thrown by our son, other things went missing during that party. He was grounded and car privileges taken away from him.

2024-06-09 13:25:02

My brother and I are very similar. Seeing how horribly he treats those around him has made me so conscious of my own actions and making sure I never come across like he does: perhaps this is the only positive impact he's made on the world.

2024-06-02 14:25:03

My husband is having an affair but on the other hand he's lost weight, started gym-going, got a haircut, dresses better and is out the house more AND she's taught him where the clitoris is. Thanks Hannah.

2024-06-01 19:25:02

I often work as part of a fairly well know hacking group. I only own one hoodie and it's black. I only wear it during our video chats. The rest of the time I prefer polo shirts but I could never let my fellow hackers know that.

2024-05-31 13:25:03

In a Frank Spencer like move, I've just managed to knock my partner's expensive electric toothbrush into the toilet. Which is filled with my IBS powered diarrhoea. Fuck! Do I admit it or bleach the shit out of it?

2024-05-30 00:25:02

Never lied to my kids and never expected I ever would, until the other day. Daughter, 11, brought up climate change and asked, "they are doing something to stop it though, aren't they?" "Yes", I said, "they are doing something to stop it."

2024-05-29 11:25:03

Messaged a girl I used to work with who is travelling around South America that her "photos on insta are wonderful and make my day seeing the scenery". They don't. And I've hidden her stories. No idea why I sent the message and now feel like a full on psychopath.

2024-05-27 12:25:03

Since I was a kid, I smell my own poo. A month ago, noticed an off smell. It hadn't changed, so went to the doctor but couldn't say my poo smells strange; just felt "off". After tests, I have early stage colon cancer, very treatable. Can't tell anyone how I caught it so early.

2024-05-24 12:25:03

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

2024-05-23 19:25:02

I often enjoy a bit of harmless flirting with staff when I go to the dentist. I took things too far last time: one receptionist is his son and, after a root canal, I said "your dad just spent an hour in my mouth, when's your turn?". Actually made myself feel sick with shame.

2024-05-21 23:25:02

My girlfriend thinks I'm acting suspiciously when I look at my phone and shield it from her but instead of doing something illicit I'm actually looking at photos of lower league Welsh football grounds and wishing I could visit them all without her knowing.

2024-05-17 00:25:03

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

2024-05-15 12:25:02

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

2024-05-07 11:25:03

I teach French at a university. I only started to learn how to speak French as a teen because I wanted to understand what my favourite porn actress was saying. One thing led to another, and now here I am. Follow your passion, kids.

2024-04-25 11:25:03

I used what I thought was liver in the freezer, I prepared it as paté, served it to friends, it was lugworm for fishing.

2024-04-19 23:25:02

My husband wears a hat I hate. So I took it to a different city and threw it in the bin.

2024-04-15 13:25:03

My boyfriends been cheating, so I joined a dating site found it on there and been catfishing him. He's due to meet the other me in a bar in 10 mins blissfully unaware I'm there with a suitcase of his clothes whilst my dad's changing our locks.

2024-04-15 00:25:02

Cute colleague invited me out for a drink. Had been trying to figure out how to invite her on a date myself. Of course I said yes & was very ecstatic to be going on a date with her. On our date she asked me for advice on how to find the perfect man. Turns out she thought I'm gay.

2024-04-13 18:25:02

When on trains and a passenger in cars I pick a spec on the window and use the passing terrain as if I'm playing Defender. The spec is my 'ship', the terrain the hillsides, as I feverishly move my head up n down steering the 'ship' to avoid crashing. I play for hours. I'm 55 FFS

2024-04-13 12:25:02

Once had a huge poo which made my eyes water. Came out of bathroom and boyfriend thought I'd been crying. He spent entire day spoiling me.

2024-04-04 13:25:03

We've been the most vanilla couple in bed for 24 years, 2 weeks ago wife gave me a blow job, no warning, no explanation. Can't help thinking somethings up.

2024-03-23 23:25:02

I'm a woman. Like another confessor, my Gmail account is a common name and I keep getting notifications for guys thinking it's their account. When it's a dating site signup, I change their profile to "I'm a stupid guy who doesn't know their own email." No idea if it works.