puns
Puns

I was flirting with a gorgeous woman at the bar last night.
I told her, “Believe it or not, I’ve got the most famous last name in Ireland.”
She smiled and said, “Oh really?”
I said, “How did you know?!”

2026-04-14 16:17:29 GMT

NASA has announced a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens.
It's going to be called Apollo G.

2026-03-29 21:45:08 GMT

A lion would never drive under the influence, but a Tiger Wood.

2026-03-29 21:35:45 GMT

Our local bridge was closed today.
I still can't get over it

2026-03-29 17:12:16 GMT

Breaking: The Strait of Hummus is open.
https://image.nostr.build/6b67a82a57dd8889364edddef0b270f5ec9d572f711a185c34adcc2c561cab42.jpg

2026-03-22 11:25:41 GMT

I'm sorry,
but shouldn't British websites use biscuits?

2026-03-17 03:02:29 GMT

I have a scary joke about math but I'm
2² to say it

2026-03-16 15:26:02 GMT

Set your wifi password to 24446666688888888 so that when someone asks for your password
you can tell them it's 12345678

2026-03-02 19:25:52 GMT

YouTube shorts
https://image.nostr.build/d2a3edf9eb4b15efb823b9f49f067a9879f2b7f8cea8a9cd5cd40c7e9ffab4a3.jpg

2026-03-01 01:24:07 GMT

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
This is called the Wurst Käse scenario

2026-02-26 16:04:29 GMT

If I had a sat for every pun I've posted,
I'd have a pun per sat!

2026-02-25 22:55:04 GMT

Little known fact: Before the crowbar was invented, crows simply drank at home.

2026-02-17 03:37:30 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/49f20d2630f10c6166683eb6f1fda6596d24258b0905364a76d3f12be605e146.jpg

2026-02-16 19:07:50 GMT

Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

2026-02-14 21:02:36 GMT

I just read a very long article on Japanese sword fighting.
Allow me to Samurais it for you

2026-02-10 14:07:44 GMT

Fine I’ll say it. I think Einstein was a good guy.

2026-01-25 08:36:55 GMT

Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark Hives.

2026-01-23 21:10:37 GMT

i’m sorry america leaves WHO???

2026-01-13 22:29:29 GMT

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

2026-01-12 17:59:06 GMT

RIP, boiled water.
You will be mist.

2026-01-05 22:02:17 GMT

I’m starting to think the only reason they invaded Diddy’s house was for the oil

2026-01-05 18:01:44 GMT

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.
They put me in the ICU.

2026-01-04 19:49:53 GMT

Why is it spelled "camouflage" and not

2026-01-03 22:14:01 GMT

A 57,000 square foot Temu warehouse in China went up in flames. The total loss of inventory has been estimated to be as high as $57.61.

2026-01-01 09:31:42 GMT

I remember 2025 like it was yesterday

2025-12-31 14:26:47 GMT

GET OFF YOUR PHONES WHEN YOU DRIVE
Nearly got into an accident because someone had their face buried in their phone. Asshole made me spill my beer.

2025-12-30 15:33:35 GMT

I accidentally sprayed myself in the mouth with Axe body spray this morning.
Now I talk with an Axe scent.

2025-12-26 12:41:58 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/e736fb01ecdc2f2a2586e88bc9a1a38e61d172de9f5e9c30850e4624a46b32cd.jpg

2025-12-25 20:29:10 GMT

They own sharpie. Just saying.
https://image.nostr.build/788447723e51c447634d1bf490d8400633f569e693f556e9eddc4c1921569c01.jpg
https://image.nostr.build/af1418122bd7f741874fb24c730b67b3134d04b4cdc42ccc10b749b0ac577197.jpg

2025-12-25 19:14:11 GMT

My biggest fear is being trapped in a small room with Santa.
I have Claustrophobia.

2025-12-23 19:30:34 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/0d19b826b15f6013d80fa7d4fd0b7f63be27bf6b27f565b0ece20eb0185a102e.jpg

2025-12-02 15:24:02 GMT

I run every day for 30 minutes, if I miss a day I add 30 minutes to the next day.
This has truly been a game changer, tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks.

2025-11-21 17:08:17 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/3a0f47a2355d16ddc067783f2e6d2e2e12ad59556b825d9f25b70f9962e24759.jpg

2025-10-24 21:21:11 GMT

When I was little, my parents always fed me alphabet soup, claiming that I liked it.
But they were just putting words in my mouth.

2025-10-22 18:44:43 GMT

How many skunks does it take to make a stink?
Just a phew.

2025-10-20 20:30:00 GMT

Two guys walk into a bar.
You would think that the second one would have ducked.

2025-10-20 20:26:39 GMT

POV: You just hit the @npub1sg6…f63m pot!
https://image.nostr.build/4fe0f76ac0819403086d68a0d08769211ed4fc62b40cb540b6f10ddf745529b5.jpg

2025-10-20 20:16:23 GMT

Doctor: I will be delivering the baby.
Dad: Thanks but I’d prefer the baby with a liver

2025-10-13 17:55:23 GMT

My wife said sex or dex. I am now a millionaire.

2025-10-03 13:15:55 GMT

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.

2025-09-29 20:58:43 GMT

I just bought a universal remote.
This changes everything.

2025-09-27 10:20:10 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/1204773b0740a30db83ba893398f63d7c56ae1f42658c90f6493937db29773b3.jpg

2025-09-26 00:21:17 GMT

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.

2025-09-26 00:20:18 GMT

I taught a wolf to meditate.
Now he's aware wolf.

2025-09-24 13:17:13 GMT

My niece calls me Ankle.
I call her my Knees.
We’re a joint family.

2025-09-23 15:11:28 GMT

I have a license but I don't h🥑

2025-09-22 10:24:46 GMT

- reply

Step 1: Make a to-do list.
Step 2: Reward yourself with a snack for making the list.
Step 3: Decide tomorrow is a better day to start.

2025-09-22 10:23:38 GMT

IF YOU SUFFER FROM PROCRASTINATION,
READ THIS LATER.
https://image.nostr.build/801a8d301b80c6810e8ed8a72a1427a4b73fb3ad54e8fc5ec0a1c4e592e3c402.jpg

2025-09-18 11:18:49 GMT

I told a joke about proof-of-stake..
But nobody laughed. It just didn't have enough validators.

2025-08-28 18:37:41 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/64f52e3eb72707ceff4d2f64b7e9145212d56f3b18b81f9d365cbbf7e5b1efef.jpg

2025-08-21 14:18:43 GMT

nice crack in the sidewalk
https://image.nostr.build/f8f31e7bdd395441eb9b52514ed4fbf632c0843eafdae6028b85e6f7fbbd3a0f.jpg

2025-08-03 12:59:30 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/31f6e141ed978a8e8b74c92a2bef7244e4fb448cf09ca3e401622a5ef0da3498.jpg

2025-07-17 14:55:33 GMT

To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.

2025-07-10 19:40:15 GMT

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Wednesday is open Mike night

2025-07-10 19:39:47 GMT

I applied for a job hanging mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing

2025-06-22 15:35:53 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/c8b59867b8becc5b9b51e2d9e060d0511e45e020cacb75f72cf74ced0ee0ea16.jpg

2025-06-04 19:18:38 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/f10804fd6316c6b93f0694963129582e3bd6e79e91811792a7adb7445d935eb1.jpg

2025-05-30 15:37:17 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/f01e3cdd935229625ab42deb67d7a28b2442999cfd9d4caff29aab5b66ebdc5a.jpg

2025-05-22 22:39:00 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/764948e2c7a844953b7ba3523671346b63c52d74331b3b67c286909d498f641c.jpg

2025-05-19 20:15:36 GMT

Me: The eagles won last night
Friend: Oh did you watch the game?
Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game

2025-05-14 00:32:57 GMT

Looking good @npub1sg6…f63m
https://image.nostr.build/b656e2cc344a38b24b934858379431682ff4a64d45060b76932a2b0980fc8ca4.jpg

2025-05-14 00:25:46 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/b7abdb623530155c0c5752695580e3c4e29bae1e4112b741c6e0a57c94247fd0.jpg

2025-05-06 22:25:20 GMT

BREAKING: The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.

2025-05-01 19:32:41 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/97feb249146dd0af5e050185fc0d454409de9bdc19b6aa6daa89e5eece445c6a.jpg

2025-04-29 20:26:46 GMT

I have so many jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them works.

2025-04-29 20:24:02 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/9ed4ff3d6b9569651a8ca7167d21b8cd34adecd964cb303b1519841d132c5b42.jpg

2025-04-10 21:45:53 GMT

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
This is called the Wurst Kase scenario.

2025-04-05 21:35:27 GMT

People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.

2025-03-31 08:51:33 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/1d04a15cc230ad4ce833b6ed379ad6f524364d6e7f67bf67dd87eb8d3b842832.jpg

2025-03-28 16:38:52 GMT

What do you call a mouse that swears?
A cursor.

2025-03-24 22:40:04 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/ae6ce1cdbd2383d47a514a15e6ed94e40d4637cee46f097cff85e351e8481a50.jpg

2025-03-10 22:25:19 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/ea98093fa5535c249df47937c748d5b07ca211249dee01d687f2ab3c53600c13.jpg

2025-02-25 20:24:26 GMT

Last night I had a horrifying dream that Disco was actually making a comeback.
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

2025-02-25 20:24:12 GMT

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.

2025-02-05 19:22:10 GMT

https://image.nostr.build/8d9f5be1a289d2e8fddc44e9ebbc2283b006a1ec1b6749e28d304fc4be28c313.jpg

2025-02-04 21:33:24 GMT

Me: What is an IV for?
Roman: Yes.

2025-02-01 08:16:16 GMT

Attempted to exercise this morning.
Didn't work out.

2025-01-29 21:58:31 GMT

A dragon would never explode.
A dino might.

2025-01-29 21:58:03 GMT

I went to a psychic.
I knocked on her front door.
She yelled: "Who is it?"
So l left.

2025-01-22 20:21:12 GMT

What’s the best present you can gift?
A broken drum.
Nobody can beat that.

2025-01-22 20:18:29 GMT

Elon Musk is launching a satellite as a peace offering to the aliens.
Apollo G.

2025-01-17 19:01:00 GMT

I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift.
I guess we were just raised differently.

2025-01-17 19:00:22 GMT

"What are your dogs' names?"
Me: "Calvin and Klein."
"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"
Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."

2025-01-06 23:59:24 GMT

What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?
It Hertz

2025-01-01 19:07:02 GMT

I've decided from January 1st I'll only be watching videos in 2160p or higher.
It's my New Year's Resolution.

2025-01-01 19:06:48 GMT

I remember 2024 like it was yesterday..

2024-12-30 00:24:38 GMT

I'm not a PETA guy or anything. But I do think it's pretty messed up that they make sweaters out of turtle necks.

2024-12-22 19:50:46 GMT

What does a politician do after he dies?
He lies still.

2024-12-22 19:50:16 GMT

What is wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.

2024-12-22 18:38:47 GMT

There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall.
Terrible king, but a great ruler.

2024-12-22 18:38:23 GMT

People are making apocalypse jokes..
like there's no tomorrow.

2024-12-15 23:48:33 GMT

A pun enters a room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.

2024-12-07 07:18:42 GMT

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
May divorce be with you.

2024-12-07 06:53:58 GMT

Santa never has to pay for parking.
It’s on the house.

2024-11-11 22:12:03 GMT

Why don’t governments embrace Bitcoin?
They hate the idea of a ‘Proof Of Work’.

2024-11-11 22:10:12 GMT

Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.
It was a Finnish hymn.

2024-11-11 22:09:44 GMT

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.