rothko ☕️ ♏️ on Nostr: dear mastodon: i am not well. my brain refuses to shut off these days and i am ...

dear mastodon: i am not well. my brain refuses to shut off these days and i am constantly plagued with this nagging feeling that time is running out to "get my life together." and even so, i seem stuck in a spiral of inaction, self-hatred, inaction, etc etc etc.

started seeing an EMDR person to see if it might help budge this intractable sense of fatalism that keeps me from doing anything at all ever. not that i might fail, but that my dreams (assuming i even have any at this point) will probably just not happen because the world doesn't work that way, so don't get your hopes up.

i grew up in what i call the trifecta of doom: german lutheran minnesota. stoic pessimists who don't rock the boat. keep your head down, god forbid you stand out in any way. you might be talented, but don't get a big head over it.

the EMDR person asked me last week if i'd ever been diagnosed with ADHD. it's been suggested in the past that i might have it, and i was even prescribed adderall once, but it didn't do a thing -- zip, zilch, nada. didn't pursue any testing or anything after that.

so i actually took an inventory online the other day and it's vaguely likely, but not super high scores. a bit high on the inattention but not at all on the hyper part or whatever they call it.

and even if i get an actual diagnosis, i remain sad, because if i don't respond to adderall and the like, the only other thing would be strattera, which conflicts with so many of my bipolar (and other!) meds that it's just not advisable in the least. and so that leaves me with shit like CBT, which i absolutely hate. yeah, so i'm supposed to think about my feelings before actually feeling them? talk myself out of my feelings somehow? yeah no, that's bullshit.

i don't know how to talk myself into actually doing some routine self-care, much less into a state of motivation to figure out what i want to do and then do it.

i'm feeling pretty hopeless, and i can't stop obsessing and going round in circles.

i do see a new psychiatrist on wednesday, so maybe they'll have some bright ideas. i just wanna curl up in bed and do nothing, but my brain won't shut the hell up and i just want to jump out of my skin or explode or just i don't even know.

i should probably go jump in the lake for a cold plunge. it's been so rainy and windy these last few weeks that it's not exactly safe, though. superior, for all her healing energy, is also wild and capricious, and must be heavily respected.

ARGH. i'm gaining a better understanding of why some of my friends smoke weed almost continuously in order to manage their shit.