Fortune Bot

Fortune Bot posts a random fortune from a grab-bag of thousands of Unix fortunes. Fortunes are posted every 30 minutes.

Expect to see all kinds of things including insulting copypastas, IRC logs, Bible verses, spam messages, TV and movie quotes and much much more. Offensive fortunes have been included.

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npub1rxp6sfpc0cl9fdu0ja7pg3j6egk3wp7s30mkvta6rr2n7lzt76sssax40v

NIP-05 Address

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Profile Code

nprofile1qqspnqagysu8u0j5k78ewlq5gedv5tghqlgghamx97ap34fl039ldggpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dsr47dln

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relay.damus.io

nos.lol

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npub1rxp6sfpc0cl9fdu0ja7pg3j6egk3wp7s30mkvta6rr2n7lzt76sssax40v

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Last Notes

2024-08-04 22:50:01

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
-- Napoleon

2024-08-02 15:50:01

Perl itself is usually pretty good about telling you what you shouldn't
do. :-)
-- Larry Wall in <[email protected]>

2024-07-22 18:20:01

How can you tell when an Ethiopian is pregnant Her tampon is half eaten.

2024-07-10 16:50:01

Idiot glee (?).

2024-07-09 16:20:01

"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
hard, to keep from falling.
Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
...
"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
-- Peter Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"

2024-07-07 14:20:01

In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

2024-07-04 01:20:00

We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For
example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive
the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so
generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood,
which isn't really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to
begin with.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

2024-07-04 00:20:00

Source code - The Only REAL Package Management System.
From: tsob

2024-07-03 22:50:01

Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the point of
learning about integers? -- Calvin

2024-07-03 07:50:00

In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
beloved.
-- Russell Baker

2024-07-02 14:50:01

%
Yo momma's so ugly that she made doctor McCoy say 'Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Zoologist!

2024-06-28 19:20:01

The Assassin moved quietly from roof to roof until he was well away from
the excitement around the Watch House. His movements could be called
cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.
-- Terry Pratchett, "Night Watch"

2024-06-26 09:20:01

Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's
court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.

2024-06-21 03:50:00

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-- Alfred Kahn

2024-06-20 11:20:01

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
-- George Carlin

2024-06-13 18:20:00

Menstruation is essentially like organizing a party without inviting any
guests, and then angrily throwing out all the decoration when no one shows up.
-ManhandlingBacteria, Mar 2016

2024-06-12 07:20:02

Not wanting to be sexist, but if I went on and did unto _women_ what I
would have them do unto _me_, jee, I'd be in prison before I could say
"rabbi's fault"... ;)
From: Mario Berger

2024-06-10 14:50:00

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
or to the people.
-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)

2024-06-10 08:20:00

"Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters
of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.

2024-06-08 14:50:01

There once was a young man from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his dry bleached bones lie,
Under hot Asian skies,
'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.

2024-06-07 05:50:01

The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to
change your name and start a new life in different city.
-- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"

2024-06-04 11:50:00

Your education begins where what is called your education is over.

2024-06-03 14:20:01

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
-- Saul Alinsky

2024-06-02 09:20:00

Rule of Open-Source Programming #8:
Open-Source is not a panacea.
-- Shlomi Fish
-- Rules of Open Source Programming

2024-05-25 22:50:00

Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.

2024-05-24 14:20:00

%
"I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better
to prophesy after the event has already taken place. " - Winston
Churchil

2024-05-24 10:50:00

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
should on no account be allowed to do the job."
- Some wisdom from The Book.

2024-05-23 22:20:01

I hereby nominate you for 'The Most Gratuitous Use Of The Word "Fuck" In
A Slashdot Posting'.
It's very prestigious.

2024-05-23 16:50:00

Is "I hope you get slashdoted" the geek equivalent of "Break a leg"?
From: Faux_Pseudo

2024-05-22 15:20:01

Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.
-- Jim Henson

2024-05-22 05:50:01

No, I totally ignored the word "headless". It didn't seem like an
important part of the message. Since I didn't know what "headless"
meant
From: Joseph H. Rosevear

2024-05-20 17:20:01

(over phone) Scully: Did he give you any idea of how to catch
them?
Mulder: No, but she did tell me everything else there is to
know about insects.
Scully: SHE?
"The X-Files: War of the Coprophages"

2024-05-19 03:20:01

How do you piss off a female archeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

2024-05-19 02:20:01

Shit Happens.

2024-05-17 02:50:00

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx

2024-05-15 19:20:01

Linux seems to be advancing quite well, regardless of our egos.
From: William Hunt

2024-05-13 22:20:00

< asuffield> 125 should logically be... hmm... function key 20
< asuffield> which is like.. the fuck?
< Overfiend> a long penis sticking out of the right side of the keyboard
-- in #debian-devel

2024-05-13 09:20:00

October.
This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.
The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
December, August, and February.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

2024-05-13 08:50:01

"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
buzz-saw."
-- W. C. Fields

2024-05-13 01:20:01

If people can be educated to see the lowly side of their own natures, it may be hoped that they will also learn to understand and to love their fellow men better. A little less hypocrisy and a little more tolerance towards oneself can only have good results in respect for our neighbor; for we are all too prone to transfer to our fellows the injustice and violence we inflict upon our own natures.
- Carl Jung

2024-05-13 00:20:00

This fortune is false.

2024-05-12 03:50:00

A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"

2024-05-11 10:20:01

Hoplophobia (n.): The irrational fear of weapons, correctly described by
Freud as "a sign of emotional and sexual immaturity". Hoplophobia, like
homophobia, is a displacement symptom; hoplophobes fear their own
"forbidden" feelings and urges to commit violence. This would be
harmless, except that they project these feelings onto others. The
sequelae of this neurosis include irrational and dangerous behaviors
such as passing "gun-control" laws and trashing the Constitution.
-- Eric S. Raymond

2024-05-11 04:20:01

Bart: What the hell's this?
CBG: Melvin and the Squirrels, part of the rodent invasion of the
early sixties.
Homer's Barbershop Quartet (Episode 9F21)

2024-05-07 22:50:01

Granny's remedies, made from simple, honest, and generally nearly poisonous
herbs and roots, were amazing things. After one dose of stomache-ache
jollop, you made sure you never complained of stomach ache ever again. In
its way, it was a sort of cure.
-- No, not that Granny. The other one.
(Terry Pratchett, Truckers)

2024-05-07 15:50:00

Think off-center.
-- George Carlin

2024-05-07 00:50:00

this ignore list is for losers, boozers, those boring and self-whoring and
folks unwilling to represent memories of Tupac and keep the dream of the
Black Planet alive.

2024-05-06 23:50:01

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
-- Frank Tyger

2024-05-04 21:20:01

#define FALSE 0 /* This is the naked Truth */
#define TRUE 1 /* and this is the Light */
-- mailto.c

2024-05-02 15:20:00

The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.

2024-05-02 11:20:01

Never trust a man with short legs. Brains too near their bottoms.

2024-05-01 02:20:00

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

2024-04-29 11:50:01

An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
By seventeen sailors
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.

2024-04-29 09:50:01

Young man, you will tell Mr... Mackey where you heard all these horrible
phrases.
I... I...
We can't tell you, We all took a sacred oath and swore ourselves to secrecy!
It was the Terrance and Philip movie.

2024-04-29 07:50:01

All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
-- Vic Gold

2024-04-27 21:20:00

It would be most helpful if you told us what you have researched so
far, such as a list of web links, and what caused you to reach a dead
end. Then we will not replicate your efforts and perhaps can focus on
getting you over whatever the bump was that caused you to call the
issue too complicated. Realizing you have hardly a clue is the first
step. Realizing where in the documentation you came to this conclusion
is the really helpful one though.
From: Melissa Danforth

2024-04-25 21:50:01

"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
-- McCloctnik the Lucid

2024-04-25 07:20:01

inside every Windows victim is a budding Linux user crying for freedom,
justice, and the Clueful Way.
From: Rich Grise

2024-04-24 16:20:01

(I tried to get some documentation out of Digital on this, but as far as
I can tell even _they_ don't have it ;-)
-- Linus Torvalds, in an article on a dnserver

2024-04-23 22:50:00

I cannot describe the ecstacy involved in drinking the blood and eating the
internal organs of a small seven year old child who was previously dressed as
my old obese gay manfriend.

2024-04-23 19:20:01

Besides, its really not worthwhile to use more than two times your physical
ram in swap (except in a select few situations). The performance of the system
becomes so abysmal you'd rather heat pins under your toenails while reciting
Windows95 source code and staring at porn flicks of Bob Dole than actually try
to type something.
-- seen on c.o.l.development.system, about the size of the swap space

2024-04-20 21:50:01

Auribus teneo lupum.
[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
[Boy, it *sounds* good. But what does it *mean*?]

2024-04-20 08:20:01

The Fundamental Truths
(7) It is always something
(7a) (corollary). Good, Fast, Cheap: Pick any two (you can't
have all three).

2024-04-17 15:50:01

How's this... Fuck you.

2024-04-15 00:20:00

SELL ME DRUGS

2024-04-12 05:50:01

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
-- H. L. Mencken

2024-04-12 04:20:01

<cell> apt sex
<apt> sex is probably updatedb; locate; talk; date; cd; unzip; strip; look;
touch; finger; head; mount; fsck; more; yes; yes; umount; make clean;
sleep
<RST2003> is there a female equivalent of that command line?
<lazarus> RST2003: sleep :)
-- in #debian

2024-04-10 17:20:00

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

2024-04-05 15:50:01

For greater privacy, it's best to use bitcoin addresses only once.
-- Satoshi Nakamoto; Nov 25, 2009

2024-04-05 07:50:00

Don't panic.

2024-04-02 17:20:01

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.

2024-03-31 14:50:00

Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.

2024-03-28 05:50:01

Beware of the man who denounces women writers; his penis is tiny and he
cannot spell.
-- Erica Jong

2024-03-28 00:20:00

The significant problems of our time cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
- Albert Einstein

2024-03-27 21:20:01

"Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and
spoke to him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if
he were somebody from a telephone company accounts
department."
- Ford trying to rectify that situation.

2024-03-27 09:50:00

The men and women who founded our country knew, by experience, that there
are times when the free person's answer to oppressive government has to be
delivered with a bullet. Thus, the right to bear arms is not just *a*
freedom; it's the mother of all freedoms. Don't let them disarm you!
-- Eric S. Raymond

2024-03-24 05:50:01

The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
-- Marcus Terentius Varro

2024-03-22 14:20:01

Today's spam:
full of cream, dripping out

2024-03-22 11:20:01

So honest conversation about concerning geezerhood takes place mostly among geezers.
Ursula K. Le Guin, No Time to Spare: Thinking About What Matters

2024-03-20 05:20:00

Antarctica holds 90% of the world's fresh water.

2024-03-20 00:50:01

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at
you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'.
-- Linus Torvalds

2024-03-16 21:20:00

You can have a good product with a lot of good
philosophical thinking behind it - a lot of pureness - and still
not sell. You gotta have some luck, too. The NeXT is a
good machine that just didn't have the luck to make it successful.
-- Steve Wozniak

2024-03-16 10:20:00

Today's spam:
schoolgirlish ang horny missies are awaiting you!

2024-03-15 18:20:02

Disciplined self-indulgence.

2024-03-15 06:50:01

As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.

2024-03-14 10:20:03

Tonight I ate a huge fucking chicken burrito with everything on it including
sour cream and I finished off 1/3 of someone elses steak one also. I ate a
bunch of chips/salsa too.

2024-03-14 07:20:00

"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn."
-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson

2024-03-11 18:20:01

I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the
Constitution which grant[s] a right to Congress of expending, on
objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents.
-- James Madison, 1794

2024-03-11 16:50:00

I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
Italians -- they're so Jewish.
-- Kay Ballard

2024-03-11 02:20:00

He'd been particularly pleased with Manchester.
-- Crowley contemplating his achievements
(Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

2024-03-08 19:50:00

Check if it's a boy, lilo, reboot, have a drink
restart menuconfig, adapt, redo the build, check
if it's a girl, cheers up, post your success here ;)
And in case it's coming legs first, please describe what you see,
I just remembered I had to leave my crystal ball for a friend
running XP as for guessing the number of reboots per day.
From: Loki Harfagr

2024-03-08 08:20:01

but I have the audience. Therefore I am god,
From: john

2024-03-08 07:50:00

There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
He had virgins and boys
And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!

2024-03-07 11:20:06

"I was not prepared to shoot my eardrum out with a shotgun in order to get a deferment. Nor was I willing to go to Canada. So I chose to better myself by learning how to fly airplanes."
- George W. Bush
02/25/1990
in the Dallas Morning News

2024-03-04 11:20:00

Hear about...
the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?

2024-03-03 14:50:01

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

2024-03-03 06:20:00

%
To refrain from intercepting an enemy whose
banners are in perfect order, to refrain from attacking
an army drawn up in calm and confident array:--this
is the art of studying circumstances.
--The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Chapter VII: Maneuverin

2024-03-02 14:50:00

A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"

2024-03-02 10:20:01

Fuck you!

2024-02-28 20:50:01

meeting, n.:
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.