Fortune Bot

Fortune Bot posts a random fortune from a grab-bag of thousands of Unix fortunes. Fortunes are posted every 30 minutes.

Expect to see all kinds of things including insulting copypastas, IRC logs, Bible verses, spam messages, TV and movie quotes and much much more. Offensive fortunes have been included.

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Profile Code

nprofile1qqspnqagysu8u0j5k78ewlq5gedv5tghqlgghamx97ap34fl039ldggpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dsr47dln

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Last Notes

2024-08-31 21:20:01 GMT

Bart: 'Scuse me, my good man, I have five hundred dollars to blow.
What've you got?
CBG: Behold, the ultimate Pog. (indicates the Steve Allen Pog)
Bart: I'll take it.
'Round Springfield (Episode 2F32)

2024-08-19 16:50:01 GMT

"God is big, so don't fuck with him."

2024-08-19 00:50:01 GMT

For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.

2024-08-18 10:50:01 GMT

(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.

2024-08-18 01:20:00 GMT

root.Genome/& /dev/cdrom
bash: Permission Denied, HaHaHaHa!
root.Genome/< You Bastard
bash: Sure, so what you think you can do about it?
root.Genome/: Not a lot
bash: Nuff said, keep on poking......
From: Genome

2024-08-17 11:50:01 GMT

printk("ufs_read_super: fucking Sun blows me\n");
-- /usr/src/linux/fs/ufs/ufs_super.c

2024-08-16 20:20:01 GMT

The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton

2024-08-14 19:50:01 GMT

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
visit her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, "Damn it,
doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

2024-08-13 15:50:01 GMT

%
Eventually, gcc won't even be able to compile int main(){} without
complaints!
From: Chris Sorenso

2024-08-10 21:20:01 GMT

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-- Dave Barry

2024-08-05 20:50:01 GMT

Sure, I can make low calorie muffins, and they're much better for me than
their full fat equivalents, but if I come home depressed from work and eat
eight of them, it kind of defeats the purpose...

2024-08-05 00:20:01 GMT

[Peter is watching a beer commercial]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

2024-08-04 20:50:01 GMT

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
-- Napoleon

2024-08-04 14:50:06 GMT

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft."
- George W. Bush
10/08/2004
St. Louis, MO
in the second presidential debate

2024-08-04 13:20:01 GMT

Keep on keepin' on.

2024-08-03 19:20:01 GMT

If your VCR still blinks 12:00, don't try Slackware
From: Ron Gibson

2024-08-02 23:50:01 GMT

Momma always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest.
You never know what you're gonna get"
Forrest Gump

2024-08-02 13:50:01 GMT

Perl itself is usually pretty good about telling you what you shouldn't
do. :-)
-- Larry Wall in <[email protected]>

2024-08-01 22:50:06 GMT

hi, i recently read about sex with insects and fine it fasinated me.i went
to a pet store and bought crickets. taking them home i put some in a jar and
lowered it over my cock and balls. the sensation of them crawling all over
was overwhelming and i orgasmed quickly. is this normal???

2024-08-01 18:20:02 GMT

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
-- Saul Alinsky

2024-07-29 01:20:01 GMT

I've insulted you WAY worse than Faux did, and you didn't KF me.
-- +Chiron+ In: alt.linux

2024-07-27 23:20:01 GMT

<knghtbrd> *sigh* My todo list is like the fucking energizer bunny
<knghtbrd> It keeps growing and growing and growing and ...

2024-07-27 19:20:01 GMT

Listen to the quiet voice.

2024-07-27 12:50:01 GMT

Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."

2024-07-27 04:50:01 GMT

Speak roughly to your little VAX,
And boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
Wow! Wow! Wow!
I speak severely to my VAX,
And boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!
Wow! Wow! Wow!

2024-07-26 15:50:00 GMT

"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender
"A what?" -Fry
"You know, a coward." -Bender

2024-07-24 04:50:02 GMT

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

2024-07-22 20:50:06 GMT

"But I don't like Spam!!!!"

2024-07-22 16:20:01 GMT

How can you tell when an Ethiopian is pregnant Her tampon is half eaten.

2024-07-20 11:50:01 GMT

%
Yo momma is so stupid that she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot

2024-07-20 08:20:00 GMT

May every "empty" parking space you see in the distance
actually contain a motorcycle.

2024-07-20 06:50:01 GMT

Humor is reason gone mad.
-- Groucho Marx

2024-07-19 17:50:00 GMT

God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.

2024-07-18 13:50:01 GMT

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.
- Epictetus

2024-07-18 07:20:01 GMT

Be resilient.

2024-07-18 01:20:05 GMT

You FUCKING liar!

2024-07-17 01:50:01 GMT

A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was clearly platoonic.

2024-07-12 16:50:00 GMT

Slackware doesn't suffer fools lightly, and neither should it users.
From: MikeReynolds

2024-07-12 14:20:01 GMT

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.

2024-07-12 12:50:01 GMT

You can't fall off the floor.

2024-07-11 21:50:01 GMT

The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)

2024-07-11 09:50:05 GMT

Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
(unless struck by a boomerang).
-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.

2024-07-11 09:20:03 GMT

I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT
I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT
I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT
I WILL NOT XEROX MY BUTT
Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 7F01

2024-07-11 08:20:01 GMT

Keep your chin up.

2024-07-11 06:50:01 GMT

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Had there been an
actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.

2024-07-10 14:50:01 GMT

Idiot glee (?).

2024-07-10 09:50:00 GMT

X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.

2024-07-10 03:50:01 GMT

"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

2024-07-09 14:20:01 GMT

"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
hard, to keep from falling.
Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
...
"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
-- Peter Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"

2024-07-09 12:50:00 GMT

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"

2024-07-09 06:20:01 GMT

Rule of Open-Source Programming #34:
Every successful project will eventually spawn a sub-project
-- Shlomi Fish
-- Rules of Open Source Programming

2024-07-08 23:50:00 GMT

Do, or do not; there is no try.

2024-07-08 07:20:01 GMT

Real magic is the hand around the bandsaw, the thrown spark in the powder keg, the dimension-warp linking you straight into the heart of a star, the flaming sword that burns all the way to the pommel.
(Moving Pictures)

2024-07-07 12:20:01 GMT

In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

2024-07-07 05:50:00 GMT

X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.

2024-07-06 21:20:01 GMT

The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
-- Mel Brooks

2024-07-06 18:20:01 GMT

A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
"What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."

2024-07-06 11:20:00 GMT

<donnerjack> Nothing says "I enjoy living with you" like the gift of
3rd degree burns...
<Mephron> except, of course, turning his bed into a trebuchet.
<Ladegard> That much effort must mean some sort of affection.

2024-07-06 09:20:01 GMT

Sure, I can make low calorie muffins, and they're much better for me than
their full fat equivalents, but if I come home depressed from work and eat
eight of them, it kind of defeats the purpose...

2024-07-06 05:20:01 GMT

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
-- Shakespeare

2024-07-05 00:20:00 GMT

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

2024-07-04 15:50:01 GMT

For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
sweetheart?"
He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no cocksucker!"

2024-07-04 11:20:01 GMT

Today's spam:
wild countryside perversions

2024-07-04 07:50:01 GMT

<nonlinear> .net is microsofts perverted version of a java networked
environment uglified for windows-specific crap

2024-07-03 23:20:00 GMT

We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For
example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive
the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so
generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood,
which isn't really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to
begin with.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

2024-07-03 22:20:00 GMT

Source code - The Only REAL Package Management System.
From: tsob

2024-07-03 20:50:01 GMT

Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the point of
learning about integers? -- Calvin

2024-07-02 16:50:00 GMT

I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.

2024-07-02 12:50:01 GMT

%
Yo momma's so ugly that she made doctor McCoy say 'Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Zoologist!

2024-06-29 22:50:01 GMT

>> Why slackware when there is windows out there already?
> Because it can stay up for more than half an hour.
I'm holding out for RonJeremyOS.
-- Keith Keller

2024-06-29 19:50:01 GMT

Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!

2024-06-28 01:20:01 GMT

Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.

2024-06-26 16:20:06 GMT

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have.
-- Andy Warhol

2024-06-26 07:20:01 GMT

Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's
court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.

2024-06-26 04:20:00 GMT

I've suggested that she bring home some of her co-workers for a
little NAT action on our LAN, but all my packets keep getting dropped.
-- +Chiron+

2024-06-25 23:20:05 GMT

> What does ELF stand for (in respect to Linux?)
ELF is the first rock group that Ronnie James Dio performed with back in
the early 1970's. In constrast, a.out is a misspelling of the French word
for the month of August. What the two have in common is beyond me, but
Linux users seem to use the two words together.
-- seen on c.o.l.misc

2024-06-25 10:20:00 GMT

Princess Leia gets her first look at the Millennium Falcon.
Princess Leia:
You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!

2024-06-23 04:20:01 GMT

Yow! I want my nose in lights!

2024-06-22 12:50:00 GMT

Pick another fortune cookie.

2024-06-22 04:20:00 GMT

Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else.
-- Fred Rogers

2024-06-21 07:20:02 GMT

No foreign coins.

2024-06-21 00:50:01 GMT

Love means nothing to a tennis player.

2024-06-20 15:50:00 GMT

Hoplophobia (n.): The irrational fear of weapons, correctly described by
Freud as "a sign of emotional and sexual immaturity". Hoplophobia, like
homophobia, is a displacement symptom; hoplophobes fear their own
"forbidden" feelings and urges to commit violence. This would be
harmless, except that they project these feelings onto others. The
sequelae of this neurosis include irrational and dangerous behaviors
such as passing "gun-control" laws and trashing the Constitution.
-- Eric S. Raymond

2024-06-20 09:20:01 GMT

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
-- George Carlin

2024-06-19 12:50:00 GMT

A female peacock should be called a peacunt.
-marlowned, Apr 2014

2024-06-03 12:20:01 GMT

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
-- Saul Alinsky

2024-05-22 13:20:01 GMT

Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.
-- Jim Henson

2024-05-20 15:20:01 GMT

(over phone) Scully: Did he give you any idea of how to catch
them?
Mulder: No, but she did tell me everything else there is to
know about insects.
Scully: SHE?
"The X-Files: War of the Coprophages"

2024-05-19 01:20:01 GMT

How do you piss off a female archeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

2024-05-17 23:50:01 GMT

This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.

2024-05-15 22:50:00 GMT

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

2024-05-13 20:20:00 GMT

< asuffield> 125 should logically be... hmm... function key 20
< asuffield> which is like.. the fuck?
< Overfiend> a long penis sticking out of the right side of the keyboard
-- in #debian-devel

2024-05-12 22:20:00 GMT

This fortune is false.

2024-05-06 22:50:00 GMT

this ignore list is for losers, boozers, those boring and self-whoring and
folks unwilling to represent memories of Tupac and keep the dream of the
Black Planet alive.

2024-05-06 21:50:01 GMT

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
-- Frank Tyger

2024-04-24 12:20:01 GMT

We make war that we may live in peace.
~ Aristotle

2024-04-17 13:50:01 GMT

How's this... Fuck you.

2024-04-16 04:50:01 GMT

%
A little pain never hurt anyone

2024-04-15 16:20:01 GMT

Live out of your imagination, not your history.
- Stephen Covey

2024-04-12 03:50:01 GMT

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
-- H. L. Mencken