George Penney

I'm a queer/bi comic crime/SFF author (under the name George Penney) and I'm also a best-selling Rom Com writer (under Evie Snow) and a PhD escapee.

I have two podcasts called Bohemiana and My Favourite Monster.

I also travel continuously and house sit around the world because I can, and I'm a cultural omnivore who is interested in everything all at once.

I GM 2-5 shot DnD 5e games that are fun, silly and set in my OverLondon universe.

I like tea and cats, not necessarily in that order.

Public Key

npub18zlqrfnjj2m7g5vt3n23nm8rd8zhegssrd4fvlpafldzyhgladuqrmrtuz

NIP-05 Address

[email protected]

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsr30sp5eef9dly2x9ce4gean3kn3tu5ggpk65k0s75lk3zt507k7qpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dsdarr0g

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relay.damus.io

nos.lol

Author Public Key

npub18zlqrfnjj2m7g5vt3n23nm8rd8zhegssrd4fvlpafldzyhgladuqrmrtuz

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Last Notes

2024-06-20 01:09:42

Library people here: Is there a secret pit of eternal tentacle slapping, SHHH, stinky goo and primordial screaming that you keep especially for people who do this to library books?
And if not. Can there be? I mean I'd be happy to help design it. I'd add in extra screaming. No charge.
#books #library #bookstodon
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/112/645/802/536/348/687/original/b9643e64b3d3862b.jpeg

2024-06-18 23:48:12

I found an entire battalion of tiny ants chilling on the lid of my kettle this morning.
Suddenly my kettle is an ant tourist destination?
"Witness the incredible views of dishrack and sponge! Marvel at the unwashed plate from last night's stealth crumpet! Smell the toast!"

2024-06-16 01:38:28

Standing in the feminine hygiene section at my local supermarket here in New Zealand and a woman in her 40s/50s walks up to the tampons and mutters to herself in a disgruntled voice. "Better get some fanny bungs as well." (FANNY BUNGS!)

2024-06-13 08:25:09

All the pricks!
I freakin' love New Zealand :blobsmilehappyeyes:
#gardening #plants #newzealand
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/112/607/873/171/738/361/original/54e2d3242b6f9e62.jpeg

2024-06-06 06:35:12

BEHOLD THE MAJESTY of today's (second) PILLAGING of the massive second hand charity book sale here in small city Aotearoa New Zealand. All $1 buck each (that's around 50c US... So. Freakin'. Amazing).
I am a book dragon and my hoard is MIGHTY.
Rar.
#books #bookstodon
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/112/567/807/797/390/079/original/299cec8c0369f0b7.jpeg

2024-06-03 00:09:49

Yesterday I picked up a second hand cookbook with this glorious specimen of a recipe.
Fried Potatoes:
3 medium potatoes diced
225 grams butter
Bathe the potatoes in the melted butter on medium heat until potatoes are crispy and buttery. Add more butter if needed.
Magic does exists people.

2024-06-02 05:41:41

I just attended a huge local second hand BOOK FAIR and got ALL THE #books (SO MANY BOOKS) for $1 each. Like, ALL THE BOOKS. And I feel like standing amongst the bags of books in my kitchen and cackling like a supervillain.

2024-05-23 08:28:15

Has anyone seen Furiosa yet and is it good? And if it is good, is it like, "Forget you have an entire bag of M&Ms in your lap because you're watching the movie and loving it" good?

2024-05-21 05:36:23

The nurse I just saw for my flu shot was super nice and caring...
And smiled in a way that'd make Nurse Ratched envious when she stuck the needle in.
I don't know if this lady knows she's got evil injection face. I didn't even know evil injection face was a thing.
But it's kinda hilarious and it's so going in a book now.

2024-05-03 12:37:50

- reply

@npub1fha…3ru0 Hmm. And here I was thinking the penny farthing would cut the mustard😂 Opera glasses okay do you think?

2024-05-03 07:07:21

Lovely steampunk people here. Or kiwis in general. Has anyone been to the Steampunk NZ Festival in Oamaru? And if so, does one have to be equipped with goggles, a blunderbuss and an airship to attend, or can one pop by wearing regular duds?
#newzealand #steampunk #books

2024-04-28 21:41:49

It's a nippy autumn morning here in New Zealand and being partially Germanic, I of course have opened all the windows to let the demons of the night out and to let in the brisk air of retribution.
I am attempting to now explain this reasoning to Tony. It is not quite working.

2024-04-26 00:33:36

I've just been told tales of a nearby American style bbq restaurant here in Aotearoa New Zealand that sells donuts blessed by the ancient gods of deep fried joy.
In the name of cultural relations and research, I am about to embark on a quest to visit and sample these magnificent food beasts.
#food #newzealand

2024-04-23 06:58:00

Spotted in front of a supermarket in small town Aotearoa #newzealand
A small human (8ish) drinking a mouthful of Coke while another watches him intently.
He swallows, "Are my ears wiggling yet?"
His friend shakes his head, looks thoughtful. "No. Try again."
He does. "Are they wiggling yet?"
His friend looks disappointed. "No. Give me a go."
Process repeats twice. They decide they should have gotten Fanta.
(Were they trying to copy an ad or a #TV show or a TikTok thing? I've gotta know!)

2024-04-08 02:28:21

I had notes from market day in my small city in Aotearoa #NewZealand to share but none hold up to 2 things seen this morning:
A 20s something woman standing behind a camper van in a library car park saying loudly to a sleepy looking guy, “Darren, did you shit in my sock last night?”
A woman in athleisure wear pushing an expensive European pram with a very wee baby in it...
with a sheathed katana and a yoga mat sitting on top of the pram's hood.

2024-03-23 01:00:31

Things spotted on Market Day in a small city in Aotearoa #newzealand
An elderly beagle accompanying his family to watch a brass band play flopping onto the ground and feigning the most deathly beaglish death to have ever happened because a friendly poodle dared sniff his butt.
An elderly man buying a cappuccino from a coffee cart only to announce that they were trying to poison him and declaring he'd need urgent medical intervention or he'd die. Coffee cart lady offering to make him another one for free to hurry the process (I think they knew each other)
A couple buying avocados. One selecting three after careful consideration (sniffing, juggling, long staring) only for their partner to stealthily put them back and select another three with the vibe of someone carrying out a diamond heist.
Two siblings pooling pocket money to buy bubble tea. Carefully negotiating who gets the bubbles and who gets the tea. Younger sibling somehow being swindled out of half his tea and his bubbles because "It's only fair". Older sibling obviously going to be lawyer one day.
A school teacher telling friends about a school trip with some year nines, describing it as an "experience." The latter word said with so much feeling that he got sympathetic pats on the back.
A dad telling his kids a tall tale about cabbages being vampires who sucked all the colours but the orange from carrots. (I wish I'd heard more of this but the line for the sausage in a bun moved and they walked on!)
#travel

2024-03-21 22:44:16

(A Post in 3 Parts 1/3)
Last night I watched a play where everything went unintentionally wrong.
It was perfection and possibly the best thing I've seen in years. It was one of those examples of why small town live theatre is amazing.
A small list of the elements that added to this masterpiece were:
1. The director, writer and principal actor was a man in his 60s with the confidence of a rampaging rhino. He started the play giving a short speech about why a lot of actresses turned down the 2nd role (It was a 2 person) because his song compositions were too complex. He was wearing a beret.
2.He then announced the start of the show after lowering his mic to just under his nose, so every one of his breaths and mouth noises, of which there were many were audible throughout the entire theatre. This was obviously unintentional
3. He then started a low level fight with the sound guy who was trying to adjust things to compensate for the in wash of sounds that made it seem like an amorous, heavy breathing bear was hiding somewhere in the auditorium.
4. The lead actress then came on stage and he told us not to notice that she was there while she hid under a sheet. She then revealed herself, stood up and proceeded to deliver her lines with her back to the stage. All sound overshadowed by heavy breathing
#theatre
(Continued in posts below)

2024-03-19 07:25:29

I was COMMANDED to watch FLASH GORDON. 10/10 no notes. It's glorious!
Brian Blessed is a masterclass of subtlety😁
And the dialogue? How could any writer compete with the line: “Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2xS-AxKk0k
#movies

2024-03-17 05:30:29

For the non-Kiwi people here: Introducing a pottle (a pottle!) of chips.
The server gave me a killer "tourists!" look when she asked if I wanted the pottle of chips she'd just prepped and I grinned like Scar after he hip-bumped Mufasa off the cliff.
Pottle! Awesome word. I shall keep it.
#Newzealand #travel #food
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/112/109/145/217/305/742/original/c055b59156a17670.jpeg

2024-03-16 22:18:39

Things seen so far during a Fringe festival in a small Aotearoa New Zealand city:
A dancer with Down's Syndrome kickass freestyle dancing to a Bruno Mars song after declaring the night was all about her (and it was, and it was awesome). Her three obviously proud middle-aged brothers in the audience with their kids hiding the fact they were happy crying during her big number.
A newbie drag queen at a showcase burlesque show trying drag for the first time to Shania Twain. Audience massively supportive. Wobbling on heels but magnificent.
A small human whose mum was running an excellent Zine workshop demonstrating his breakdancing skills. 10/10. Zine was constructed. This author rather proud of result.
A festival organiser spotted over the course of a long day, managing to look extraordinarily chill despite multiple venues and shows going on. When talked to he revealed he'd managed shows at the Edinburgh Fringe for years and managed, amazingly to stay sane. Apparently the day before an R rated comedian went on at 6pm to an entire room of senior citizens. (after not telling the festival that he did blue material. I wish I'd been there!)
A touring Spanish magical comedy show travelling with their small human who got to be a part of the final act after sitting patiently in the audience. Teenage son of volunteer for knife act spotted looking very concerned for his volunteered dad. Palpable relief at end.
#art #Newzealand #dance #comedy

2024-03-11 05:33:08

I know Die Hard is a Christmas movie, but can Aliens please become the new Mothers Day movie?
Happy (slightly belated) UK Mothers Day to all the British Ripleys out there😁
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/112/075/182/712/960/502/original/9c05c36315c234d5.jpg

2024-03-10 00:23:12

QUESTION for the Gen Z and Younger Millennial peoples here:
What films/TV shows do you see as absolute canon for your generations.
I'm talking about the ones where, if someone says they haven't watched it, you give them the "What eldritch rock have you been lurking under for 10 years?" look.
#film #tv #movies

2024-03-09 01:12:02

Spotted on market day in a small city in Aotearoa #newzealand
A lady with a tiny #dog explaining to a mushroom vendor that she cannot have oyster mushrooms in her house because her tiny dog is terrified of them. Meanwhile tiny dog is at her feet, making sure his personal mushrooms are perfectly polished. Seems unfazed.
A dad sitting at a table in front of a Filipino food truck teaching his small human to play chess on a portable set. Small human slouching and yawning. Dad seems not to notice as he explains how the knights work. The adobo in front of him looks delicious.
A mum taking a dive to catch her small human's scoop of icecream in her hand as it falls of the cone. Look of absolute triumph on her face. Small human oblivious.
A middle aged man standing in front of a coffee stand for ages, deciding on his order until his wife walks up and says "He'll have a cappuccino. He always has a cappuccino. Just order the bloody cappuccino!" To which the man replies "You don't know that. I might want something else today." He then orders a cappuccino.
An American tourist trying all the petit fours at a French patisserie stand before deciding to buy two of each. When vendor asks if it's a gift, the reply is "It's lunch!" with a gleeful cackle.
A man walking up to a cheese stand and declaring that he is seeking the stinkiest cheese they have. A delightful conversation follows about how to measure cheese stinkiness vs deliciousness.
#food #coffee #life

2024-03-08 21:48:15

OUTRAGEOUS OUTRAGE This morning. A CAT BURGLAR from next door has snuck into our kitchen and SNAFFLED my favourite tea towel. (Gasp oh noo)
Tea towel has yet to be found. Interrogations ongoing. Suspect is not talking... purring loudly.
(Her humans are out atm. We suspect she's stolen them too🤣)
#cats #caturday
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/112/062/029/668/289/866/original/d51962388976660b.jpeg

2024-03-02 23:46:27

A bit ago we discovered a quince tree in the front garden of our #NewZealand home. Last Sunday I was enjoying an early morning cuppa by the living room window only to spot an elderly lady sneaking up to the tree, looking like she was casing the thing for a diamond heist.
She walked by with her dog (arthritic staffy) then crept up our path keeping behind the bamboo until she reached the tree and then picked one quince before stealthily making a getaway.
The next day she was back again. Creeping up. Arthritic dog. One quince and gone.
And this happened every day this week. I missed a few days, but when I did get up that early, there she was.
I didn't sleep well last night and instead of parking by the window, I sat on a front step to watch the sun rise. It was only when quince lady came along that I remembered her.
She snuck along the bamboo then to the quince tree and she'd just grabbed one, when I very quietly said "Good Morning."
Her first reflex was to throw a quince at my head. She then looked horrified and yelled "IT'S FOR JAM!" before running off.
But she forgot her dog. So I finished my cup of tea, patting my new dog friend and eventually she came back, looking very embarrassed and blurted "I make nice jam."
So I now have a new dog friend named Clive whose human is going to drop me a jar of quince jam by one day next week. I offered to give her a bag of quinces but she refused.
So I'm now waiting until tomorrow to see if the Quince Bandit strikes again🤣

2024-03-01 21:36:39

Overheard at a fancy restaurant in small city Aotearoa New Zealand:
A terrifying Sunday School Teacher lookalike ordering chowder with no onion, garlic, cream or shellfish and garlic bread with no garlic or she'd be MOST displeased.
Iron willed server giving her a baked fish and a bread roll 20 min later.
All appear content🤣

2024-02-27 08:21:18

Tony my partner/ co-writer was super late coming back from a thing today. I looked out the window when I thought I heard his voice and he was sitting on the garden path with next door's cat
He'd been there 20 minutes 🤣🐈
Apparently Miss Cat has many opinions about tummy rubs and second breakfasts.
#cats #catsofmastodon
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/112/002/232/859/481/963/original/b98834e08096559b.jpeg

2024-02-22 09:44:04

I have just WITNESSED Finland's 2024 Eurovision entry with my FACE and there's no need for anyone else to turn up in May. We have a winner.
Denim egg?
No pants?
Dodgy dancing?
Windows 95?
It's got everything!
https://youtu.be/Tf1NS1vEhSg?si=PXBSiv-TxuZ6kiYH
#music #eurovision

2024-02-21 04:37:36

So in "What's Happening in Small City New Zealand" today, a guy in a BMW honked a person in a wheelchair getting into a car, outside a hospital. And a nearby construction worker calmly walked over and tipped his lunch of biryani and butter chicken all over the BMWs windscreen. And people clapped.
And the reason I know it was biryani and butter chicken, is because he then--in the chillest way possible--told the BMW driver that they owed him for another lot of biryani and butter chicken because he'd missed his breakfast and needed to keep up his energy.🤣
(Today just keeps giving. Have I said how much I love this place lately? I really love this place.)

2024-02-18 20:18:30

Things spotted on Sunday market day in a #NewZealand town on the edge of Abel Tasman National Park.
1. A family of Tongans in traditional dress walking on the footpath in front of a man wearing post-apocalyptic steampunk kit carrying his shopping. Carrot tops hanging out of his bag.
2. Two Korean tourists trying to livestream trying food truck rendang and churros while a local loudly tells her friend about how "Tom doesn't like that jumper I knitted him, ungrateful shit. So I gave it to Greg and now he wants it back."
3. A family of West Coast Americans who've just landed at the tourist info centre. One dad wants to do ALL the walks and is discussing hiking kit, weather, maps, shoes and is generally having a fantastic time with info person. Other dad sleep-leaning against wall holding snoring toddler.
4. A retired programmer in a battered straw hat and a weathered face, selling poetry. Talking Linux with a tourist.
5. A man in his 50s who's purchased a large box of fresh ginger along with his other groceries only to realise that he walked today instead of bringing the car. A stranger nearby offers to drive him home.
6. Kindergarten-age girl who's kicked off her shoes, running around a tree while holding a handful of churros. Boy chasing her demanding she give them back. Mum pausing conversation to mediate. Churros get dropped. Girl looks completely unrepentant. Boy committing murder with eyes.

2024-02-15 19:41:25

Question for any bumble bee enthusiasts here.
We recently visited a lake in South Island New Zealand and there were hundreds of bumble bees flying about in the car park.
The minute we got out of the car we were covered in them and they were super persistent. They didn't seem to be attracted to any particular colour, just anything that moved. And they seemed to be looking for something. I had around 5-10 on me at all times and it was really tricky to get them all off without hurting any to get back in the car. (So many people coming for picnics gave up within minutes.)
Is this a mating thing/seasonal thing? There seemed to be different sized ones. Slightly smaller ones and then a some bigger fluffy bottomed ones. So interested!
I should also note we tried to look this up online but there didn't seem to be anything about bumble bees swarming in a large area. Also, it's late summer here and it was a coolish day with the sun still out.
#insect #bees #nature #newzealand #science

2024-02-11 08:16:59

If anyone's looking for a great read to distract them from the maelstrom of everything, the first of Kim M. Watt's wonderful Gobbelino London series is only 99c today. A wise cracking talking cat detective? Lovecraftian tentacles without the Lovecraftian baggage? Yay!
Ohh and I just noticed the first of her Beaufort Scales series, Baking Bad is going for 99c too. Dragon detectives, baking and Yorkshire for the win!
I've used Amazon links but I'm pretty sure it'll be available globally in your favourite (independent) online shop😊
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B084P4W195
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07JL7BGBY
#books #bookstodon #sff
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2024-02-10 00:49:33

(A Thread) Things spotted on market day in small city #newzealand
2 women arguing over whether or not the energies from amethyst is harmful to #cats
I overheard the following "You've poisons her chi! You'll have to neutralize with some rose quartz."
An elderly couple having an argument about how slow he is at using the ATM and how he's always slow and could he be any slower, people are watching. Finally the guy turned and bowed to the waiting line saying "Thank you for attending a performance of the world's longest running drama." He then wandered off grinning. Wife broke out laughing. Followed.
A tiny human arguing vehemently with his dad that he NEEDED no less than FOUR sausages in a bun to survive the day. Dying swan act was implemented. Dad was impervious. Moments later child declared he didn't like sausages and just wanted a bun. Then he declared he just wanted the ketchup. Later seen with face covered in mustard.
A woman asking a guy running a natural remedy stall if his natural parasite treatment can cure her of her ex-husband.
5 teenage boys standing in the chocolate aisle of supermarket while 1 held court over the correct one to get for Valentine's Day. Vibe was deadly serious. (White caramel honey chocolate is the ONLY chocolate to get in case you're wondering.)
2 women, one around 40, one around 80 standing in front of MacDonalds. Younger woman saying to older while grinning. "Come on, Dad'll never know."

2024-02-09 05:14:33

I am officially changing my species to Magnificent Potato.
Magnificent Potatoes care not for the fact their brain is mash. Magnificent Potatoes sizzle in perpetuity!
Word count? Editing? Tax accounts? A rampaging laundry pile? Magnificent Potatoes care not for these things!

2024-02-07 19:46:09

I'm currently reading Making It So by Patrick Stewart and was delighted to learn that he and Brian Blessed were working class childhood friends.
Now I'm OBSESSED with a mental image of a Wee Bolshy Blessed, blessed with a thick Yorkshire accent cheerfully bullshitting his way through puberty. 😁
#books #bookstodon #startrek

2024-02-06 19:49:14

I've WOKEN to discover that my manuscript isn't FINISHED and still inconveniently requires typing and thinking and plotting and scheming and editing and re-reading and wailing and teeth gnashing and more editing and cackling and tea
It's a normal day
Bring forth the MENTAL FORTIFICATION CRUMPETS!
#writing #author #writingcommunity

2024-02-06 04:53:15

We've discovered a FURRY CANNON BALL TREE in the garden of our little New Zealand home
The junior bug scientist who visits our garden from next door claims his dad calls them ICK SPUDS (ick spuds!)
I argued that they were CHEESE MAGNETS
However discussion was stalled on the discovery of a tiny praying mantis.
(Rumour has it that the praying mantis is hunting small bugs and must be tailed in the event that murder happens.)
Correction: Junior scientist has informed me that they're not "ick spuds" they're "yuck spuds" and that my understanding of his accent is most disappointing. He also argues that he could've taken a much better picture which included the praying mantis. Apparently I'm a substandard scientist🤣
#gardening #food
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/111/882/499/539/204/911/original/82ed8209c329b77f.jpeg

2024-02-05 03:26:50

I just typoed "Marinara Trench" instead of "Mariana Trench". They are not the same thing.

2023-12-09 05:15:43

Todays episode of "We just moved to New Zealand" far surpassed expectations.
In between running around, flapping our tiny tyrannosaurus arms while buying house things after living out of suitcases for 5 years, we spotted a lady in her fabulous years wearing a rainbow beanie, riding on a mobility scooter featuring a "God Loves Fags" bumper sticker, passing an elderly people's home while giving it the finger. She then turned the scooter around, did another pass and then rode off over a hill obviously victorious in the knowledge that her mission was accomplished.
Meanwhile the radio in the basket of her scooter played Elton John's "Tiny Dancer".
If I was a superstitious person I'd be saying this was a sign and a portent. Of what? Who knows! But I love this woman and hope she lives to a thousand.
#travel

2023-11-19 21:08:26

So... a huge adventure on at starboard bow. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we're moving to New Zealand in 4 days for the unforeseeable future. Are there any lovely kiwis here?

2023-10-05 15:57:10

Today's RIDICULOUS research fact that proves that truth is always (ALWAYS) stranger than fiction... involves the death of actor, Thomas Hallam at the hands of actor, Charles Macklin in the Green Room at the Drury Lane theatre, during a performance of "Trick for Trick", a farce.
In 1736 Thomas Hallam died because he was poked in the eye by Macklin with a cane during a fight over a wig. The cure at the time for eye injuries was urine.
His last dying moments involved an actor, "young Mr Arne" in knickerless petticoats peeing on his face.
After his later death, (he got away with it) Macklin became known as a ghost that haunted the very place where he killed Hallam
There's much more, but back to work for me! If you want so terrifically entertaining reading. I can highly recommend "Mr Foote's Other Leg: Comedy, Tragedy and Murder in Georgian London by Ian Kelly." It's truly excellent.
#history #theatre #bookstodon
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2023-09-28 09:22:11

BEHOLD this epic picture of Dubrovnik that you could find on any postcard.
HOWEVER, a postcard wouldn't convey the MAJESTY of witnessing this view yesterday while 5 DRUNKEN SPANISH GAME OF THRONES fans on a wine tour ROARED the show theme at the SETTING SUN.
Magnificent MOMENT. Would repeat.
#travel
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2023-09-26 10:26:31

I'd like to register a COMPLAINT to the wordsmiths of yore:
The phrase BOOKKEEPING is a HEINOUS LIE!
WHERE is my BOOK SHEPHERDING CROOK? Where is my LIBRARY CORAL? WHY are all these NUMBERS necessary?
I feel this is false advertising and demand a proper BOOK HERD to KEEP immediately!
#books #bookstodon

2023-09-25 08:47:40

ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY totter up to and DEMAND a breakfast grapey tribute!
A DISCERNING PTORTOISE must first reconnoiter and monitor to make sure one's one's tribute is coming from DISTINGUISHED, REFINED, COMPIS MENTIS individuals!
Did they pass the test? NO! Was tribute still accepted? YES!
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/111/124/442/869/475/353/original/6e2d14014850b390.jpeg

2023-09-20 10:36:35

I've been INFORMED by multiple sources over the past week that I've BURIED THE LEAD in our poster for OVERLONDON
This morning I fed the GARDEN TORTOISE some grapes, did some MIGHTY COGITATING (blank staring) over a cup of tea and REVISED (With some intermittent tortoise consultation. He's not been much help because he seems intent on once again locating his lady love who's scarpered to somewhere in the shrubbery.)
HUZZAH!
#books #bookstodon
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2023-09-18 10:47:05

I've just been told that dunking one's biscuit (cookie) in a cup of tea/coffee is considered common as muck in the #uk 😂
I'm now tackling my shortbread like a TASTY FOE drowning it in my tea and munching on its DELICIOUS SOGGY BITS with IMMENSE SATISFACTION
I AM the COMMONER COOKIE CONQUERER (Yay!)
#food #Tea

2023-09-11 09:42:34

I present to you this morning's BREAKFAST MAGNIFICENCE!
Peter Capaldi (DR WHO!) VS Matt Berry (TOAST!) reading out a slanging match between the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire and some Zaporozhian Cossacks after a battle in In 1675.
I need to up my insult game!😂 I love so much that this exists.
#history
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oW8OlXkjVHs

2023-09-06 09:04:42

MORNING HAS COMMENCED!
WHERE's the PALATIAL mansion I ordered last night?
HOW are there no TEA MAKING minions?
WHEN is the TOAST of INSPIRATION?
And WHY is Miss Smudge the cat walking through the kitchen with a baby ROGUE ZUCCHINI in her mouth, meowing like she's killed it?
Today's theme: VEGETABLE CARNAGE

2023-09-03 20:35:39

YESTERDAY's MIGHTY MISSION:
BEHOLD Lyme House, a STATELY HOME once INFESTED with MR. DARCYS and now being auditioned by this intrepid author as a LAIR if only the pesky English National Trust hadn't gotten to it first. Our first step was to approach carefully, not making any SUDDEN MOVES
Ascertaining that we were not going to be ambushed by Mr. Darcys, we surveyed the gardens for signs of PEASANTS! Only to realise that we could be classed as peasants. We scoffed at this, deciding that we were instead BUCKANEERS who were TAKING OVER a STATELY HOME. (While Not telling anyone.)
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2023-08-31 10:10:02

Efficiency would be happening this morning, but THIS BAGGAGE, Miss Smudge has happened repeatedly. So far she has committed:
3 EGREGIOUS Keyboard arseplants. (Insert WSTFGL here)
2 DEVILISH laptop closures due to the force of her screen snoot boops
1 DROOL on mouse and MOST HEINOUSLY
1 FACEPLANT in my tea
The PURR is strong this morning
#cat #cats
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2023-08-25 15:00:26

Today at our #UK housesit, we were having a very important discussion about a super secret meeting for a society of comedy genre fiction authors that we are attending this evening. (It's so super secret that we have yet to come up with a super secret name for all the secrecy).
Only *gasp* to notice that we had a SPY in our midst.
It seems that Bertie the Good Boy from next door is out to infiltrate our organisation! (Oh no!)
We have yet to ascertain what he nefarious intentions are, other than ear pats and demonstrations of the workings of his squeaky toys but WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING HIM TALK... or at least woof.
#dogs
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2023-08-22 18:29:33

If you like the idea of a romcom centered around a geek bar featuring dnd, goths, furries, munches and drag queens, with a message that's even more relevant now than when I wrote it. My alter-ego Evie Snow has a book--"This Is Not A F*cking Romance"--out today for FREE in all stores (Yay!)
https://books2read.com/u/mZKeQe
#Books
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2023-08-19 14:03:52

But what is this?! *gasp* A fallen bunny casualty being carried by its noble comrades to Doctor Courgette?!
Will our valiant doctor be able to save the day?!
Will the bunnies receive their comeuppance for their murderous rampage?!
And where have all the potatoes gone?!
The garden saga continues!
#gardening #googlyeyes
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2023-08-14 10:17:10

Today's Wordcount so Far
10 min drinking tea, staring at torrential rain out window. Not summer.
15 min as cat hostage after she settles on lap 2 seconds before I was going to get up.
1 min listening to BBC radio news. Mutter "Wanker" turn off.
30 min debating pros and cons of Tom Holt's portable door vs, #Dnd bag of holding, vs Fantastic Beasts suitcase vs Tardis. Tardis wins but we agree it has inconvenient time lord element attached to it and would restrict our travel to either the UK and space and almost nowhere else.
#books #bookstodon

2023-08-09 11:34:54

Today at our #UK housesit, our overlord Miss Smudge has been most concerned because I'm trying to tackle signing another bunch of books. This is the only picture I could get without her being a book-smooching blur.
This is also the second cup of tea I've had to make because Miss Smudge feels that books are best smooched by a caffeinated cat. She's dunked her face in it twice and is now lurking at the end of the table, no doubt preparing to sally forth again.
#cats #catsofmastodon
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2023-08-08 14:55:56

Anyone else ever have a day where you need your brain to work at full capacity, because you've got a "to do" list the length of a ski slope, and instead all it wants to do is play back an ancient advertising jingle and think about cake?

2023-08-06 10:44:37

*Gasp*
We've just had an egregious contravention of the "No Astrophysics Facts Before George's Second Cup Of Tea" Ruling of 2008.
I now have no choice but to break the "No Gruesome History Facts About Corpses or Entrails While Tony's Eating Breakfast" accord of 2010.
It is ON! I already have my notes about cemetery conditions in London in the Georgian era ready to go. Corpses piled up against the outside of kitchen windows are about to be unleashed!😎
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/110/841/774/158/891/780/original/06314358ac8cd8fa.jpg

2023-08-05 13:51:43

That moment you set out your to-do list for the optimal rainy afternoon, channeling all the craftiness of Blackadder and realize that no...*sigh* You're 100% Baldrick with a cunning plan.
Glancing at my notes here... I've somehow managed to absent-mindedly write:
*Don't stand in rain.
*Potatoes?

2023-08-02 07:34:38

*Dons important spectacles in an attempt to look like a serious writer doing serious research*
Calling all lovely Brits and Anglophiles:
Opinions/roars about floppy haired political belch demons aside--What's the first thing you think of when you picture/imagine London and England?
Thankyou!😊
#UK #england #london

2023-08-01 17:36:40

*Gasp* Witness a rare hoard of mammoth rogue zucchinis emerging from their hatching patch in search of their Mediterranean homelands so far, far away.
Go valiantly on your mission you noble beasts! Fear not the ratatouille, Nor the roasting pan, for you are destined for greatness!
(After a day of doing admin stuff, I thought I'd do a bit of gardening... creative gardening... )
#gardening #cooking #vegetables #googlyeyes
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2023-07-29 15:35:03

So we woke late last night to the sound of Madame Harriet, one of our #cat overlords here at our current #UK housesit, making kind of noise that any cat person will immediately recognise as "I am walking through the house with a present for you. Get ready for entrails. Yay entrails!"
We promptly turned on the light to see her sitting on the end of our bed with one of my socks in her mouth. She was proudly declaring she'd killed it for us.
The sock looked decidedly dead. If it could have entrails, they would have been on show. She obviously understood how to murder a sock with both skill and panache.
We thanked her for her services to the Society for Making Sure There Is Only Ever One Sock In Any Pair Left After A Week and went back to sleep.
Some time later, I woke to the feeling of something running up my leg. It was small, scratchy and definitely not my imagination.
On reflex, I whipped off the duvet and froze when I saw a very alive mouse hunched down against my knee.
Swearing, meowing, bellowing and roaring ensued but I can safely report that mouse, humans and cat are all still living, with mouse relocated to garden. No sign of entrails at all.
Meanwhile Madame Harriet kept my sock in her mouth the entire time, obviously not wanting anything to do with a ghastly mouse when she had her trophy sock to hand.
I now need a nap. A long, mouse free nap. Meanwhile Madame Harriet hasn't stopped napping all day.
The saga continues...
#cats #Caturday
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2023-07-28 19:47:00

Late this afternoon, purely by accident, we discovered a real-life, ye olde fashioned English sweetshop in a nearby village.
It's got the whole wall of sweets in jars, with lots to chose from, and there are old fashioned scales that measure by the ounce. And it smells like sugar and peppermint. And it's awesome! And whatever you pick gets measured into pretty little pink and white candy-striped paper bags. Squee!
While we were there--making observations purely for research purposes and definitely not because we're secretly five-year-olds whenever we encounter a wall of sweeties--a couple of kids came in after making an epic mission from two streets down on their bikes.
It was so much fun to see how solemn they were in making sure they were spending their pocket money for maximum value. We made sure we kept our expressions just as solemn when we agreed with them that they were making a sound financial investment.
The sweeties you see on the scales are just a few we had to take away... for "research" purposes obviously. Not for eating in one go. Because I would totally not be the kind of person who would accidentally disappear an entire bag of licorice bullets in the space of 15 minutes without realising it. Not at all. Nope. Not me. :blobsmilehappyeyes:
#food #joy
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2023-07-19 17:48:33

Introducing Bertie from next-door, at our current housesit here in a small village in the #UK
After some consultation with Bertie, we have concluded that his favourite hobbies include:
1. Peering over the fence to have deep and meaningful conversations with our temporary #cat overlords Miss Smudge and Madame Harriet about his collection of squeaky toys. They, in turn, tell him about the extra breakfasts that they've been deprived of. Sometimes they also let him huff their butts, which makes all parties strangely happy.
2. Demonstrating the working of his squeaky toys to his two rabbit friends, who (for some strange reason) frequently find an excuse to then jump the fence into our yard to nibble the lettuce. This lack of squeaky toy excitement from them would be alarming, but he knows he'll convert them to his way of thinking in the end!
3. Digging holes for his squeaky toys to live in, then looking confused when no one appreciates his thoughtfulness. Again, he believes he just needs to dig more holes to convince people of the merit of his activities.
4. Tail wagging so hard that he sometimes has to bark at his own tail to tell it to stop. It doesn't stop.
He is, without a doubt a Good Boy and deserves many pats.
#dogs #cats
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2023-07-17 17:45:13

Cosy #fantasy #books that someone should totally write because I would like to read them while seated in a massive Victorian era library, puffing my best bubble pipe and intermittently polishing my monocle while my pet miniature giant tortoise snoozes by the fire.
Constructs and Confit - A golem and a sexy mechanic start up a fancy restaurant.
Wyverns and Wagons - A gothic lolita dragonkin and a punk angel set up a delivery service and cart repair shop.
Bifrost and Bacon - An ice giant who likes warm weather and hot chocolate and a pacifist Valkyrie start up a BnB.
Roombas and Rootbeer - An anthromorphic roomba and a sassy vacuum start up a milk bar. It doesn't suck.
Mazes and Macrame - A minotaur and a snarky kobold set up a craft shop with the sign 100% BEEF on the door.
#sff #bookstodon

2023-07-10 11:02:29

Anyone else ever have a moment when #writing over how odd a word is? Mine this morning is "carriage". What's that "ia" doing in there? I suspect there is unnecessary vowel fraternization going on. But either way, I will be sure to pronounce the word "Carr-ey-ahhhge" in my best Marlene Dietrich voice from now on, just to give those vowels a good work out. English is weird.
#writingcommunity

2023-07-09 11:14:46

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@npub1w4x…se32 I am glad my valiant delving into the depths of the deeps has been of service :blobcatheart: 😂

2023-07-09 10:43:11

This morning, I was woken to a #cat butt in my face and my last vanilla creme biscuit is currently swimming in my mug of tea (dunking dexterity fail!). I strongly suspect a sneak attack from a chaotic evil Sunday and will be arming myself with a fluffy blanket for all eventualities and a valiantly sweary battle cry! :BlobCat_Knife:

2023-07-08 21:38:17

I would like to share that I have been alerted to the fact that "whalecore" is a genre of metal. Now that you know this, you cannot unknow this. It's an umbrella of all metal acts that incorporate a whale theme into either their lyrics, sound or artwork.
I have spent a ridiculous amount of time this evening researching this phenomenon so you don't have to, and I must say, the whales are very very angry. And awesome. Truly awesome.
#music #animals

2023-06-24 18:34:24

Witness our current housesitting #cat overlord here in Frankfurt, Lord Erwin Master of the Middle Class Kibble, sitting in his cat bucket, judging us verily.
"Why is he judging so judgementally?" you ask.
Because we dared (DARED!) to try and pat him behind the ears while he was sitting in the apartment building's garden in full view of the general public, including his NEMESIS who was no doubt watching from the 3rd floor window of the building next-door.
This peasantly incursion upon the person of a gentleman from such a noble family line, was intolerable!
Why, he is now tormented with the enraged spectres of his ancestors: Lord PuntMuff the fifty-ninth baron of Widdlesworn who single-pawedly smote an ear scratching gardener in 1345 with only the use of a large trebuchet, and Lady Lumpnuzzle of Gusset, the ninth Duchess of Crumpetsnoop who once de-peasanted a cook for giving her substandard cream by means of a steam powered threshing machine in 1604!
Much to his woe, Lord Erwin does not have a steam powered threshing machine, nor a trebuchet, but he does has a cat bucket at the top of his scratching post and he has sat there, giving us pointed looks for the past hour, letting us know that if he had either device, we would now be physics.
#catsofmastodon #Caturday
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2023-06-20 09:45:21

This morning, our housesitting overlord #cat here in Frankfurt, Lord Irwin of the Middle Class Kibble demonstrated a level of distress only ever seen by one of his kind when his great great uncle Lord Paff of Tuppencesnortle Hall was hit on the head with a rolled up newspaper for clawing the Duchess of Pantwaffle's chaise longue.
He woke us up at 6:30am so we could open the shutters for him, facilitating his daily judgement of his usual passing peasants (tight pants preening man, the Turkish Taxi driver who speaks cat and his NEMESIS walking behind the fabulous lady in the tutu).
We left him to it and went back to bed, only to hear a traumatized wail from the living room 15 minutes later.
We rushed to the living room to discover that his favourite Turkish gentleman who speaks cat was patting Lord Erwin's NEMESIS in the street outside! Not only patting him, but making squinty love yes with the nemesis.
How Lord Erwin will recover from this disloyalty from one of his beloved minions has yet to be seen. For the past hour he has been perched next to his automatic feeder, giving it love eyes, obviously seeking a new rebound affair. (He's rebuffed us as mere peasants who care for his every need.)
The automatic food dispenser has (as yet) not returned the overture.
The saga continues

2023-06-05 13:53:57

Today we say goodbye to our housesitting #dog overlord, the right-hand-turning-only hairy potato.
If he was an obliging potato, and understood the rules of narrative causality, he would have--on our last day-- won a decisive victory against his nemesis the Uberpigeon.
He would've then victoriously turned left to get back to the apartment, where he would have growled a short sharp "Ask first!" to Milo the Butt Huffing Golden Retriever, saving himself any indignity. Once inside, he would have willingly trotted into the bathroom for a luxurious bath and then enjoyed his hair being brushed on the balcony.
This did not happen.
The pigeon, once again beat the crap out of him, he then ran (at moderate pace making only right turns) to his vegan burger restaurant of sanctuary, curling in front of the roller shutter as usual. He then returned home to receive the butt huffing of the century from Milo.
He then grudgingly submitted to a bath, while emitting an epically long doggy groan of suffering. This was followed by a series of sighs more judgemental than those made by a British person who's just been gazumped in a queue.
He is now snoring louder than he's ever snored, while still managing to emanate the stench of a thousand flatulent rhinos.
I will miss this little potato immensely, but take comfort that he will always be here in Berlin, forever turning right, getting pigeon flapped and butt huffed with the surety of the sun rising.
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2023-06-01 21:28:26

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@npub1q2t…jr8a Was this actually a thing? This is hilarious!

2023-05-15 12:00:31

Who wouldn't want a guide to the "Best Worst City on the Globe!"? Impress your friends and torment your enemies with intrepid feats of armchair travel!
All subscribers to our magnificent newsletter will receive their very own ebook copy of A Tourist's Guide to OverLondon, written in imaginary collaboration with the OverLondon Guild of Rat Catchers.
It's got pictures and diagrams and everything! If you like #terrypratchett #sff #montypython or just plain oddness, this may be for you!
(And if it's not your cup of tea, that's perfectly fine! You can always have a cuppa and ruminate on the daftness of authors making things that aren't their actual books for sale because they decided to procrastinate for an entire week last month. Why? No one knows!)
https://www.overlondon.net/visitors-guide

2023-03-29 02:25:13

Does anyone else raise their fist in the air and bellow "Lipton!" whenever the little paper tab slips into their #[0] while they're pouring in the boiling water, in the same way that Skeletor might roar He-Man's name... or is it just me?