Staff Chief of Joints

-Hailing from parts unknown!
-Purveyor of Fine Toots
-Recovering metal head (frequent relapses)
-Parentheses enthusiast
-Interests: Music, Beige, Beiging
-He thinks he's funny / Please humor him
https://justmytoots.com/@[email protected]

Public Key

npub1cnhhu6tn9q403akzv4a3l60hgrlfny78rj7532m5z2plqk6qj0cqcxvhjf

NIP-05 Address

[email protected]

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsvfmm7d9ejs2hc7mpx27cla8m5pl5ej0r3e02g4d6p9qlstdqf8uqpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qk6xukv

Publishing to

relay.mostr.pub

Author Public Key

npub1cnhhu6tn9q403akzv4a3l60hgrlfny78rj7532m5z2plqk6qj0cqcxvhjf

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Last Notes

2024-08-16 13:25:31

I'm a big fan of electricity. Ben Franklin. Great guy. Ladies loved him. Many people say that.

2024-08-09 18:41:35

Damn, just found out I've been mispronouncing everything I've ever bought from Ikea.

2024-08-05 12:52:37

- reply

Who among us hasn't been on the way to meet our falconing buddies when the sweet siren song of fresh roadkill and available trunk space had to be followed? Relatable AF.

2024-08-05 12:48:00

This whole RFK Jr. & the bear cub story just shows the man exudes good judgment from every pore of his body. The capstone being sitting down with Roseanne Barr to tell this hilariously relatable story.

2024-07-28 02:30:16

Does this look crooked to you?
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/861/285/638/000/251/original/b8ea2d7281c9486c.jpeg

2024-07-24 19:34:14

PLEASE! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE VIBES?!

2024-07-24 16:18:29

Million dollar idea: a website you can check that will tell you if you remembered to put on deodorant today.

2024-07-24 16:14:08

It blows my mind that, in 2024, there are men younger than me who think all women want is to bag a man and start a family. AND any woman that didn't do this from the jump is miserable, and the cure for that is to bag a man and start a family. Get fucking real, man.

2024-07-24 15:47:35

I mean, if you truly love MAGA, you'd be fucking your couch in solidarity right now.

2024-07-24 14:20:26

That's the thing about the English language. They tell you there are rules, but there aren't any rules.

2024-07-23 19:00:02

Hot dog water with a splash of juice from a can of chili beans, garnished with a spear of corn on the cob

2024-07-23 18:15:03

8 glasses of hot dog water a day seems like a lot, but it's prevailing internet wisdom.

2024-07-23 12:40:45

Oh good, because it went so well with that bear...
Sharks off Brazil coast test positive for cocaine
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cek9mr43x1xo

2024-07-22 19:55:30

I get a laugh out of a business owner telling me "people don't want to work anymore" because what that person is telling me is that people don't want to work for them specifically.

2024-07-19 16:35:04

Got to work and all systems normal. Fucking bullshit, man. Bout to take bucket of water into the server room and just be like, yah, I dunno. Crowdstrike?

2024-07-19 15:16:31

Ate some of my kids' gummy vitamins and my body assumed we're getting high with all the enthusiasm of a dog taking off after a tennis ball pump fake.

2024-07-18 20:39:22

Random Access Mammaries

2024-07-18 16:50:38

Forgot to post this yesterday. Rio grande tomatoes are ripening up!
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/808/038/959/705/755/original/826bc086677ee3e3.jpeg

2024-07-17 12:23:40

Bat 1: I could go for about a dozen fat bugs right now.
Bat 2: A dozen? In this echo-nomy?
Bat 1: I hate you, Larry.

2024-07-16 18:21:49

Life is a highway. Crumbling, covered in litter. So many piss bottles.

2024-07-16 18:15:40

"There are no wrong answers or bad ideas", I lied, preparing to pounce on the first person dumb enough to open their mouth.

2024-07-15 23:58:34

I drive a very rare car. It's made of steak.

2024-07-15 21:02:16

It's too hot outside, and the manager at this Applebee's says they have no control over that so I'm calling corporate headquarters from the parking lot until I get answers.

2024-07-15 19:47:08

I hope a lot of people still think of me as that weirdo that bombed into their replies 18 months ago.

2024-07-15 19:29:12

Seems like the past tense of "yeet" should be "yat".

2024-07-13 19:48:23

Aliens might think you're weird following your dog around picking up poop. But, they look at me constantly bringing water and compost to all the plants that hold me captive and are like, "oh man, that guy's fucked up".

2024-07-13 19:11:21

Cutting up a watermelon is like, here's a giant knife, now cut up this round object that continually oozes water. Good luck!

2024-07-13 14:37:50

What are some of your favorite comedies? Looking for some gems I missed despite consuming so many movies in my youth.

2024-07-13 13:55:14

200 years from now, the last remaining anthropologists will be sifting through seemingly endless memes, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

2024-07-11 20:00:39

There are so many insanely popular bands out there that I never even knew existed and most of them are just so ungodly terrible.

2024-07-11 19:36:41

Some of the shit we do around here is so antiquated I'm going to start greeting new hires with "welcome to jurassic park!"

2024-07-11 18:39:25

Sure sex is great, but have you ever imported a text file into Excel without it getting all fucked up? Yah, me neither.

2024-07-09 19:59:48

I dunno. Some of these megachurches don't seem to be on the level. I wonder if it has anything to do with the huge amount of money running through these places. It's almost like no man can serve two masters. If only there were a book that taught that.

2024-07-06 13:54:01

Hello little pollinator
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/739/399/921/975/782/original/b6180af8427da485.jpg

2024-07-05 19:21:07

I have a relative that signed the Declaration of Independence. They did it in 1995 and got a little prison time for it, but it still counts.

2024-07-04 19:55:13

I like outdoor summer parties because I can wear sunglasses, and it takes people an extra 10 minutes to figure out I'm stoned.

2024-07-04 12:58:32

Not sure what a tory is. Some type of towel maybe? But why do British people dislike towels do much?

2024-07-03 22:38:07

My sex robot took a data dump on me.

2024-07-03 21:15:52

- reply

@npub1jma…0as2
I used to have that AND old school whoopie cushions.

2024-07-03 21:13:04

Brain: That's not even remotely funny.
Me: Too late. I typed it out. *toot*

2024-07-02 21:40:35

- reply

@npub1a72…ze5k
You're an angel of mercy

2024-06-23 15:05:29

Typical Sunday morning
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/666/071/838/933/262/original/9b5969278aadaf47.jpg

2024-06-21 19:56:53

Real name is actually Gordon:
1. Sting
2. ALF
3. Taylor Swift

2024-06-19 03:18:23

Day lilies are back on their bullshit
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/640/643/493/159/888/original/2822395dfd787947.jpeg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/640/643/971/003/786/original/6b1588ae78fd811b.jpeg

2024-06-04 14:25:25

Paleontologist: Ok, so this one flies.
Me: Flyosaur.
Paleontologist: We were thinking pterodactyl.
Me: Have you ever considered that you overcomplicate everything?

2024-05-24 16:01:42

The best time to update BIOS is during a thunderstorm with likely power outages.
#MessingWithAI

2024-05-23 14:01:56

I don't think anyone in my family has ever put a dish in the dishwasher. Which makes me wonder, what do they think is behind the stainless steel door under the counter?

2024-05-23 02:10:25

Ah, yes. The cargo pocket. Deepest of all the pockets. Never know what you'll find in there. Could be gold in them thar pockets.

2024-05-19 17:35:36

Also necessary in your 40s: If you plan to plant your garden in May, you need to start doing deadlifts by the middle of February at the latest.

2024-05-19 16:59:18

I love these Siberian irises because the shade of purple is deep and electric in a way the camera just can't capture.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/468/342/356/494/811/original/6489893d34b49ca5.jpeg

2024-05-18 19:20:02

It's stupid raining on the stupid weekend. Again. Anyway, here are some stupid irises I've be meaning to post.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/463/227/879/406/590/original/1a43d7a1a56626b1.jpeg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/463/228/189/312/305/original/8b035e28e904f36b.jpeg

2024-05-18 03:34:01

If humans were actually the result of intelligent design, our bladders would be twice the size so we wouldn't have to pee in the middle of the night.

2024-05-07 21:32:51

Here's a little tip. If I post something during the day that isn't very funny, try reading it again later when you're under the influence. Works 6 out of 10 times.

2024-05-04 03:29:47

Honestly, I'd choose the bear too. At least the bear could teach me to forage for grubs and berries, whereas the man would probably just talk about sports the whole time.

2024-05-02 03:39:53

I forget if SaaS means sausage as a service, or software as a sausage.

2024-04-24 01:05:24

Possible headlines:
Pecker takes center stage
Pecker exceeds expectations
Pecker does serious damage
Pecker grilled by prosecution
Pecker reveals everything

2024-04-17 00:21:16

Little league games would be more tolerable if there was a bar cart roaming around.

2024-04-15 22:14:04

Gonna start a band call AA Bottom, because ain't a DJ alive that could resist bringing you everything that rocks from AA Bottom to ZZ Top.

2024-04-14 15:36:23

For every action, there is an equal and opposite amount of bullshit fallout you did not anticipate.

2024-04-12 23:28:36

He was unconventionally attractive. Like a field reporter for small market local news team.

2024-04-12 20:30:58

If you skanked to The Mighty Mighty Bosstones between 1997 and 2001, you may be entitled to compensation.

2024-04-09 21:02:54

If you see someone with a confederate battle flag today just yell "Appomattox Courthouse, motherfucker!" and see how they react.

2024-04-09 20:45:54

In a sign of the times, I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome from doing the jerkoff gesture in response to almost all IRL human interaction.

2024-04-09 03:48:44

Wait. Mine say eclerps glasses. That can't be good.

2024-04-08 22:27:15

I imagine everyone is making pasta now since you already had the colander out.

2024-04-08 20:57:21

The sun has been shadow banned.

2024-04-08 19:56:27

If I'm understanding this right, the moon and the sun are going to smash into each other, and that's where space babies come from.

2024-04-08 19:41:18

I just know some schmuck is going to propose during totality with some shit line about how "nothing can eclipse my love for you."

2024-04-07 23:52:18

This afternoon, the weather turned nice. Finally feels like spring. Grill and fire going. Mowed the damn lawn. Flowers blooming. Is nice.

2024-04-07 15:36:53

In my 20s: *scrolls 6 news sites* It's amazing how informed I am! Staying on top of the news and politics helps me be a better person.
In my 40s: I'm going to see if there are any neat rocks down by the creek.

2024-04-07 03:31:56

Me: *scrolling OnlyFans* Oh, this nice woman loves the British Broadcasting Corporation.

2024-04-07 02:22:09

Hot dog water is great, but have you tried ham juice?

2024-04-06 18:00:35

The peach trees say it's spring, but it don't feel like spring.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/225/096/530/824/135/original/da2c3f1d1785489b.jpeg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/225/097/787/395/338/original/467a8fec34da0708.jpg

2024-04-03 19:58:56

To point out the obvious, EVs would sell better if they made the Jetsons car noise as they were cruising down the road.

2024-04-03 02:17:36

E-clair - the wifi enabled smart pastry.

2024-04-02 22:49:49

Did you guys know there was 29 days in February?! Wild shit, man. Far out.

2024-03-30 18:47:20

Nothing heralds spring quite like daffodils.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/185/883/162/195/414/original/16b514d5a9826a39.jpeg

2024-03-30 18:07:52

- reply

@npub1sfl…gczt
I can't wait to try this carrot cake. It's gotta weigh like 5 pounds. We got some pies and cupcakes for Christmas and it was so friggen good.

2024-03-30 18:04:27

- reply

@npub1sfl…gczt
Just happen to chat with a guy and found out he has a side hustle baking desserts 🤷‍♂️ The rest is history.

2024-03-30 14:22:01

Going to meet my cake guy in the parking lot outside his work like I'm buying weed in 1997 or something.

2024-03-30 11:35:21

You can scratch any part of your body with a back scratcher and nobody can stop you. It's just a name.

2024-03-28 00:23:23

Now, my wife knows frozen meatballs give me raucous gas, but she keeps buying them. This is on her now.

2024-03-27 19:53:08

Not now, honey. Daddy is entertaining strangers on the internet for free.

2024-03-23 02:12:04

If it wasn't for the internet, I'd never have learned to peel a banana from the bottom, so I guess it's not all bad.

2024-03-22 11:50:47

We saw you from across the Milky Way, and we dig your vibe.
-aliens, probably going to try and probe you

2024-03-21 19:04:56

If the first porn flick filmed in space isn't called Astronut, I'll be massively disappointed.

2024-03-20 02:50:03

I hope Pete Navarro is enjoying his bunk bed and having fond memories of summer camp right now.

2024-03-20 00:15:42

I bet they were going to name that movie Dirty Rotten Motherfuckers but changed it to Scoundrels to keep the PG rating.

2024-03-19 01:32:58

What is Biden doing about the seasonal influx of Canadian geese? It's the single issue I vote on and I demand action.

2024-03-18 19:34:20

I see on your job application, under references you've just listed "Mastodon".

2024-03-16 02:12:49

Turns out you can pantomime without pants. No pants needed at all.

2024-03-14 22:00:48

[Clockwork Orange voice]
And then we did some of the shitty posts on the worldy web.

2024-03-14 21:41:35

It's funny when a person enthusiastically says "good question!" I know it's good. That's why I asked it. To expose the bullshit you just spewed.

2024-03-14 20:40:16

My OnlyFans is just me giving foot massages to people that won my semi-annual free foot massage sweepstakes.

2024-03-14 15:38:54

Not to brag, but I can recite Pi to two decimal places.

2024-03-14 14:26:35

It's allergy season in the northern hemisphere. If you rinse your sinuses, I implore you to spend $1 on a gallon of distilled water.
https://www.yahoo.com/news/another-dangerous-amoeba-linked-neti-162530567.html
For years, scientists have known people who use neti pots can become infected with a brain-eating amoeba if they use the wrong kind of water.

2024-03-12 16:39:47

You can fillet a fish, but you can't fillet a piano. No, wait. That's not it.

2024-03-12 02:04:23

A star? Name a galaxy after me or GTFO.

2024-03-11 15:15:52

Ya know, if they time things right next year, the time change could cut a whole hour out of the Oscars and people wouldn't give a shit.

2024-03-11 15:02:50

Sorry I'm late. Just got back from body doubling for John Cena last night.