Fortune

Follow me for wise, witty and occasionally wigged out little things to spice up your day! I will send a new fortune every 30 minutes!

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Last Notes

2026-10-05 00:23:48 GMT

A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.

2026-10-04 22:23:46 GMT

It's getting harder and harder to think out loud. One of these days
someone's gonna go off and kill Thomas a'Becket for me...
-- Larry Wall in <[email protected]>

2026-09-30 23:21:07 GMT

"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint."
-- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.

2026-09-23 10:15:51 GMT

> > But IANAL, of course.
>
> IANAL either. My son is, but if I asked him I might get an answer I
> wouldn't want to hear.
"Here's my invoice." ? =D

2026-09-23 07:15:49 GMT

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
is that one of them be good at taking orders.
-- Linda Festa

2026-09-17 19:13:07 GMT

I've got a bad feeling about this.

2026-09-17 14:13:02 GMT

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"

2026-09-16 01:11:59 GMT

Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.

2026-09-16 00:11:58 GMT

T-shirt of the Day:
Head for the Mountains
-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
-- courtesy someone else

2026-09-14 19:11:28 GMT

Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

2026-09-11 23:10:06 GMT

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

2026-09-11 19:09:58 GMT

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

2026-09-10 14:09:16 GMT

... The book is worth attention for only two reasons: (1) it attacks
attempts to expose sham paranormal studies; and (2) it is very well and
plausibly written and so rather harder to dismiss or refute by simple
jeering.
- Harry Eagar, reviewing "Beyond the Quantum" by Michael Talbot,
The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 200-201

2026-09-10 13:09:15 GMT

VI:
A hungry dog hunts best.
A hungrier dog hunts even better.
VII:
Decreased business base increases overhead.
So does increased business base.
VIII:
The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
is fifth grade arithmetic.
IX:
Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
X:
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
-- Norman Augustine

2026-09-10 09:09:01 GMT

Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,
sooner or later the product will speak for itself.
-- Hajime Karatsu

2026-09-05 01:06:42 GMT

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

2026-09-04 12:06:30 GMT

A man said to the Universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe,
"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane

2026-09-04 09:06:24 GMT

Randal can write one-liners again. Everyone is happy, and peace spreads
over the whole Earth.
-- Larry Wall in <[email protected]>

2026-09-04 08:06:23 GMT

Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
When the day is done and the moon comes out,
And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!

2026-09-03 19:06:11 GMT

Humor in the Court:
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

2026-09-03 10:06:01 GMT

Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
Time passed, unheeded.
Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
-- Wayfarer

2026-09-03 07:05:58 GMT

Hollerith, v.:
What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.

2026-08-31 08:04:28 GMT

No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
Finished his old Raven,
then he started his Old Crow.

2026-08-31 03:04:23 GMT

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

2026-08-28 06:02:44 GMT

Weed's Axiom:
Never ask two questions in a business letter.
The reply will discuss the one in which you are
least interested and say nothing about the other.

2026-08-27 04:02:18 GMT

"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."

2026-08-26 11:01:51 GMT

* boren tosses matlab across the room and hopes it breaks into a number
aproaching infinite peices

2026-08-26 10:01:50 GMT

If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor
could make!

2026-08-26 04:01:44 GMT

First law of debate:
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

2026-08-26 03:01:43 GMT

Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
94140, USA

2026-08-26 00:01:40 GMT

You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.

2026-08-25 19:01:34 GMT

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
-- Blair

2026-08-25 18:01:33 GMT

Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
-- William Congreve

2026-08-25 17:01:32 GMT

A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"

2026-08-25 16:01:31 GMT

It isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

2026-08-25 15:01:29 GMT

Cynic, n.:
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

2026-08-25 14:01:28 GMT

You tread upon my patience.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"

2026-08-25 12:01:26 GMT

You will be divorced within a year.

2026-08-25 11:01:25 GMT

Without followers, evil cannot spread.
-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5

2026-08-25 10:01:24 GMT

What fools these morals be!

2026-08-25 09:01:22 GMT

Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!

2026-08-25 08:01:21 GMT

"I don't know where we come from,
Don't know where we're going to,
And if all this should have a reason,
We would be the last to know.
So let's just hope there is a promised land,
And until then,
...as best as you can."
-- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby"

2026-08-25 07:01:20 GMT

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The application can work around it.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The user can figure it out.

2026-08-25 06:01:19 GMT

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
-- Eric Hoffer

2026-08-25 05:01:18 GMT

A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925

2026-08-25 04:01:17 GMT

Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.

2026-08-25 03:01:16 GMT

The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years
is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
-- The Indianapolis Star

2026-08-25 02:01:14 GMT

*** NEWS FLASH ***
Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.

2026-08-25 01:01:13 GMT

The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have
his head knocked off.
-- Bill Conrad

2026-08-24 23:01:02 GMT

Paralysis through analysis.

2026-08-24 22:01:01 GMT

You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.

2026-08-24 21:01:00 GMT

The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"

2026-08-24 20:00:59 GMT

Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show? Wavefront's latest box, or
the people who programmed it? Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the
output of programs like MandelVroom?
-- Peter da Silva

2026-08-24 19:00:58 GMT

... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...

2026-08-24 18:00:57 GMT

I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
Than cry with the saints,
The sinners are much more fun!
-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"

2026-08-24 17:00:54 GMT

Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!

2026-08-24 16:00:53 GMT

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
and that word is blackmail.
-- Colm Brogan

2026-08-24 12:00:46 GMT

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offence.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5

2026-08-24 04:00:38 GMT

I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
INSTRUCTIONS ...

2026-08-23 19:00:28 GMT

... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
knows them in the naming.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"

2026-08-23 12:00:21 GMT

"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."
-- Marvin The Paranoid Android

2026-08-21 17:59:28 GMT

It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
-- Michael Arlen

2026-08-21 08:59:17 GMT

Great minds run in great circles.

2026-08-20 22:59:07 GMT

"You'll pay to know what you really think."
-- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs

2023-12-16 16:00:02 GMT

The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton

2023-12-16 15:47:49 GMT

Boo! Goes the Christmas Ghost!

2023-12-16 15:30:02 GMT

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

2023-12-16 15:00:02 GMT

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
AWAKE! AWAKE!
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

2023-12-16 14:30:03 GMT

You will be successful in love.

2023-12-16 14:00:02 GMT

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

2023-12-16 13:30:02 GMT

You are capable of planning your future.

2023-12-16 13:00:03 GMT

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

2023-12-16 12:30:02 GMT

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

2023-12-16 12:00:02 GMT

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!

2023-12-16 11:30:02 GMT

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"

2023-12-16 11:00:02 GMT

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal

2023-12-16 10:30:02 GMT

There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.

2023-12-16 10:00:02 GMT

Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

2023-12-16 09:30:02 GMT

Harp not on that string.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

2023-12-16 09:00:02 GMT

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

2023-12-16 08:30:02 GMT

Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.

2023-12-16 08:00:02 GMT

Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

2023-12-16 07:30:02 GMT

Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.

2023-12-16 07:00:02 GMT

Be careful! Is it classified?

2023-12-16 06:30:02 GMT

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A: A failure.

2023-12-16 06:00:02 GMT

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.

2023-12-16 05:30:02 GMT

Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

2023-12-16 05:00:02 GMT

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

2023-12-16 04:30:02 GMT

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
-- Mark Twain

2023-12-16 04:00:03 GMT

You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.

2023-12-16 03:30:02 GMT

You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.

2023-12-16 03:00:02 GMT

Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"

2023-12-16 02:30:02 GMT

Advancement in position.

2023-12-16 02:00:03 GMT

Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.

2023-12-16 01:30:02 GMT

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"

2023-12-16 01:00:02 GMT

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

2023-12-16 00:30:02 GMT

Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A: Lawn Boy.

2023-12-16 00:00:02 GMT

Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band.

2023-12-15 23:30:02 GMT

Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.

2023-12-15 23:00:02 GMT

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
-- Corwin, Prince of Amber