dendrobatestinctorius

"54602dc7c09b61d9161abb29b1706dbf19841de3169b56067fe858a12f31b2bdb8f1a12bc089eb5ba38b3af5ae8fe08f6012cf99ddac6352f7e1fd841a692dbe"

Last Notes

2025-02-13 08:07:43 GMT

What am I even doing
I was supposed to do an open mic tonight but got paranoid about the smell of burning rubber that keeps coming from my car when I drive it for more than five minutes. I kept picturing breaking down on one of those massively tall flyovers. If that actually happened I probably wouldn't even be able to get out of the car, I would probably die of fright like a rabbit, just tachycardia until my heart explodes in my little prey animal chest.
I think I am too paralyzed by fear but my fears come from somewhere. Whether their origin is legitimate or not I don't know. Ever since I got sober I oscillate between devil-may-care cavalier funtime and very paranoid and neurotic ball of tightly tangled yarn. I have to talk myself into being in the in-between. I have to convince myself it is the best course of action--my natural state is in the extremes.
I am terrified of being stuck indoors again. I need to take the rail into town or something tomorrow and buy a cheap shitty coffee for six dollars and politely decline to give money to homeless people or something. I need to go to the botanical garden that's like 30 minutes away and look at some plants and snails and what have you.
All these things I need to do, and I don't do, daily i don't do them and I neglect myself and my progress and it won't be good if I continue this pattern.
I have ghosted my AA people for the last time I think. They are too evangelical, there are too many rules and traditions, too much weird jargon and indecipherable shorthand that I never bothered learning. They claim they are not religious but stress believing in spiritual things and adhering to the doctrine of a holy book. I never had a burning bush moment and I don't think I ever will.
However I do feel more connected to the people around me and less othered by the past. I no longer feel exceptionally persecuted, damaged, and wronged. I'm fucked up in the same way every fucked up person is. I'm grateful that I'm nothing special.
It is 2 AM now. I guess I can wait and see what 3 AM has in store for me or I can take some melatonin and lay down while some youtuber with a british accent drones me to sleep talking about diogenes or quantum computing or something.
Oh, and hello and I am glad to be here. I'm such a slut for new and exciting social media.