The Onion

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Last Notes

2026-07-17 13:36:11 GMT

Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. “While I understand people’s concern, I’ve simply been on a routine visit to the next world,” said the…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-clarifies-absence-due-to-brief-planned-trip-to-afterlife/
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2026-07-17 13:36:10 GMT

AI: Myth Vs. Fact
A recent poll found that Americans who are concerned about artificial intelligence outnumber those who are excited about it by a margin of three to one. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding AI. MYTH: AI can never be ethical. FACT: Grok says it can. MYTH: AI could discover cures for all diseases. […]
The post AI: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/ai-myth-vs-fact/
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2026-06-30 13:26:09 GMT

Palantir Acquires Pentagon For $800 Billion
MIAMI—In an effort to diversify its holdings in the highly competitive militarized surveillance space, data analytics firm Palantir announced Thursday that it had acquired the Pentagon for $800 billion. “After months of negotiating, I am thrilled to announce that the U.S. government has accepted our terms and agreed to sell us the Department of War,” said Palantir […]
The post…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/palantir-acquires-pentagon-for-800-billion/
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2026-06-26 02:16:07 GMT

Eric Adams Among Lineup Of Children Escorting Turkey Players Onto Pitch
The post Eric Adams Among Lineup Of Children Escorting Turkey Players Onto Pitch appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/eric-adams-among-lineup-of-children-escorting-turkey-players-onto-pitch/
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2026-05-06 13:36:09 GMT

Nicer Shampoo Tragically Worth The Extra Money
CHICAGO—Reacting with dismay to the immediate positive results yielded by the hair care product, local woman Taylor Suthers confirmed Thursday that the nicer shampoo she had bought was tragically worth the extra money. “Aw, goddammit, my hair really does look softer and smoother,” said Suthers, who appeared visibly distraught as she ran a hand through her […]
The post N…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/nicer-shampoo-tragically-worth-the-extra-money/
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2026-04-20 17:21:07 GMT

At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours
Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a […]
The post At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/at-long-last-infowars-is-ours/
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2026-04-13 20:26:06 GMT

Trump Escalates Feud With Unclear Adversary By Posting AI Video Of Self Fucking Basketball
WASHINGTON—Shocking Truth Social followers with a graphic insult to a nebulous opponent, President Donald Trump escalated a feud with an unclear adversary Monday by posting an AI video of himself fucking a basketball. “The president is clearly enraged at somebody, but the clip provid…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-escalates-feud-with-unclear-adversary-by-posting-ai-video-of-self-fucking-basketball/
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2026-04-09 13:26:07 GMT

Arby’s Reclassifies Their Food As Entertainment
ATLANTA—In a move widely interpreted as an effort to exempt its offerings from health and safety standards, American chain restaurant Arby’s issued a statement Tuesday reclassifying its food as entertainment. “Whether it’s our Classic Beef ’N Cheddar, our Chicken Cordon Bleu, or our famous Jamocha Shake, the menu items at Arby’s are not meant to be […]
The post Arby’s …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/arbys-reclassifies-their-food-as-entertainment/
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2026-04-06 18:26:04 GMT

Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum
WASHINGTON—Threatening to continue issuing threats if the Islamic Republic did not quickly agree to his demands, President Donald Trump warned Iran on Monday to accept his ultimatum or face the wrath of his next ultimatum. “Lay down your weapons now or I will have no choice but to ask you to lay down your weapons […]
T…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-warns-iran-to-accept-his-ultimatum-or-face-wrath-of-next-ultimatum/
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2026-03-23 18:56:04 GMT

Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World
WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. “The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called ‘allies’ […]
…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-demands-allies-do-their-fair-share-to-fuck-up-the-world/
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2026-03-13 19:26:05 GMT

U.S. Suffers Additional Casualties In War It Won Last Week
The post U.S. Suffers Additional Casualties In War It Won Last Week appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/u-s-suffers-additional-casualties-in-war-it-won-last-week/
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2026-02-26 20:36:08 GMT

Kash Patel Faces Backlash After Partying With Nancy Guthrie’s Captors
WASHINGTON—As shocking footage surfaced of his participation in the rowdy celebration, FBI director Kash Patel faced backlash Thursday after he was seen partying with the captors of Nancy Guthrie. “I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie’s mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/kash-patel-faces-backlash-after-partying-with-nancy-guthries-captors/
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2026-02-14 23:46:06 GMT

Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field
PREDAZZO, ITALY—Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth’s gravitational field in an attempt to gain a com…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/finnish-ski-jumping-team-caught-tampering-with-earths-gravitational-field/
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2026-02-04 16:56:09 GMT

‘Lord Of The Rings’ Reader Can’t Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To Fuck
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Sighing in frustration as she turned another page devoid of sexual content, Lord Of The Rings reader Adrienne Heeren told reporters Wednesday that she couldn’t believe how long it was taking for Sam and Frodo to fuck. “Don’t get me wrong—I love a slow-burn, friends-to-lovers kind of thin…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/lord-of-the-rings-reader-cant-believe-how-long-it-taking-sam-and-frodo-to-fuck/
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2026-02-03 14:16:12 GMT

ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family
CHICAGO—Saying he couldn’t remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family. The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had “hit the jackpot” when he realized that because his wife […]
The post…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/ice-agent-scores-easy-win-by-deporting-own-family/
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2026-02-02 19:26:05 GMT

Conservative Defends Child Molesters In Case He Becomes Child Molester Someday
HOUSTON—Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. “Sure, I don’t have a…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/conservative-defends-child-molesters-in-case-he-becomes-child-molester-someday/
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2026-01-20 22:28:19 GMT

Nation Yearns For Relative Calm Of ‘President A Giant Pedophile’ News Cycle
WASHINGTON—Expressing deep fondness for those long-gone halcyon days, the U.S. population collectively yearned Tuesday for the relative calm of the “president is a giant pedophile” news cycle. “It was a simpler time then, back when all people wanted to talk about was the leader of the country molesting underage gir…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/nation-yearns-for-relative-calm-of-president-a-giant-pedophile-news-cycle/
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2026-01-15 23:11:13 GMT

Conservatives Say Renée Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor
WASHINGTON—Calling her actions “indefensible,” Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that Renée Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. “The fact of the matter is that Renée Good was radicalized by these deranged, left-wing texts,” said Vance, whose response to the death of the 37-year…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/conservatives-say-renee-good-was-brainwashed-by-bible-into-loving-thy-neighbor/
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2026-01-09 18:56:07 GMT

DHS Releases Watchlist Of Mothers Driving Cars
WASHINGTON—Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the “worst of the worst,” the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. “Please be on the lookout for the following mothers, who are confirmed to be in possession of dangerous vehicles and should be met […]
The post DHS Re…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/dhs-releases-watchlist-of-mothers-driving-cars/
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2026-01-05 20:41:14 GMT

Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’
The post Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’ appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/congress-if-you-wanted-an-expensive-foreign-war-all-you-had-to-do-was-ask/
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2026-01-05 20:41:11 GMT

Nicolás Maduro Charged With Felony Oil Possession
The post Nicolás Maduro Charged With Felony Oil Possession appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/nicolas-maduro-charged-with-felony-oil-possession/
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2026-01-05 20:41:10 GMT

Panicked xAI Technicians Frantically Throw Levers To Find The One Controlling Grok’s Pedophilia
PALO ALTO, CA—Shouting over the sound of the alarm as it blared through the headquarters of Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence startup, panicked xAI technicians were reportedly throwing levers Monday in a frantic effort to find the one controlling Grok’s pedophilia. “Come o…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/panicked-xai-technicians-frantically-throw-levers-to-find-the-one-controlling-groks-pedophilia/
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2025-12-08 22:36:08 GMT

Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros.
LOS GATOS, CA—In an attempt to fend off growing competition from Paramount and Netflix, Plex CEO Keith Valory announced Monday that the streaming platform had submitted a $35 bid for Warner Bros. Discovery. “We believe the Harry Potter and DC universes will prove excellent additions to our slate of free-to-stream titles including Petticoat Junction and […]
The post Plex Submits $35 Bid For…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/plex-submits-35-bid-for-warner-bros/
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2025-12-01 14:06:35 GMT

Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE
WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump’s immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species requirements for new Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. At a press conference, Home-land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/homeland-security-relaxes-species-requirements-to-join-ice/
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2025-11-24 17:36:11 GMT

Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot
WASHINGTON—Reversing course after fierce backlash over the decision’s potentially divisive nature, the U.S. Coast Guard announced Friday that it would abandon plans to reclassify the swastika from a hate symbol to the military branch’s official mascot. “As of now, there are no ongoing plans to continue rolling out ‘Heily the Sailin’ S…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/coast-guard-backtracks-on-plan-to-reclassify-swastikas-as-mascot/
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2025-11-20 20:01:11 GMT

Gifted Khashoggi Head Mounted In Oval Office
The post Gifted Khashoggi Head Mounted In Oval Office appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/gifted-khashoggi-head-mounted-in-oval-office/
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2025-11-07 19:26:07 GMT

Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut
WASHINGTON—As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation Friday advising commercial pilots to “just go with their gut.” “You’ve done this plenty of times by now, so, you know, go ahead and feel free to trust your instincts […]
The p…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/understaffed-faa-recommends-pilots-just-go-with-their-gut/
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2025-11-05 03:21:08 GMT

Cuomo Announces Plan To Govern New York City As Independent
The post Cuomo Announces Plan To Govern New York City As Independent appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/cuomo-announces-plan-to-govern-new-york-city-as-independent/
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2025-10-31 14:51:08 GMT

Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil Too
The post Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil Too appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/neighbors-always-knew-teen-gunman-was-evil-and-did-nothing-because-they-are-evil-too/
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2025-10-23 13:22:06 GMT

National Guardsman Awakes Screaming From Nightmare About Americans Going About Daily Lives
FORT WORTH, TX—Catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his brow after he realized it was all just a bad dream, Texas National Guard member Jason Ringgold reportedly woke up screaming at 3 a.m. Thursday after having a nightmare about Americans peacefully going about their daily …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/national-guardsman-awakes-screaming-from-nightmare-about-americans-going-about-daily-lives/
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2025-10-22 13:31:11 GMT

Diplomatic Talks Break Down Between Trump, Motion-Activated Ghost Decoration
WASHINGTON—In what they described as a disappointing turn in the ongoing negotiations, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that diplomatic talks had broken down between President Donald Trump and a motion-activated ghost decoration. “The president has done everything he can to find common ground with our h…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/diplomatic-talks-break-down-between-trump-motion-activated-ghost-decoration/
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2025-10-06 13:21:15 GMT

Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers
LOS GATOS, CA—With an update the company hailed as a bold feature that would excite existing users and increase membership, streaming giant Netflix announced Tuesday that all of its subscribers would now be required to recruit five new customers. “In the competitive world of streaming media, this restructuring will ensure Netflix rema…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/netflix-now-requiring-all-subscribers-to-recruit-5-new-customers/
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2025-09-16 13:36:14 GMT

Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk
NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. “Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position,” the r…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/report-you-to-be-fired-for-reading-this-headline-about-charlie-kirk/
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2025-06-20 18:16:06 GMT

Christian Faith An Important Part Of Who Senator Pretends To Be
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be. “Whether I’m delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table [……
#theonion
https://theonion.com/christian-faith-an-important-part-of-who-senator-pretends-to-be/
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2025-06-12 19:01:11 GMT

Marines Raise American Flag Outside Cell Phone Store After Defeating Skateboarding Teenagers
LOS ANGELES—Triumphantly planting the pole firmly into the ground, U.S. Marines reportedly raised the American flag outside a cell phone store Thursday after defeating a group of skateboarding teenagers. “Victory!” cried out 1st Lt. Eric Mullaney, who wiped the sweat and grime fr…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/marines-raise-american-flag-outside-cell-phone-store-after-defeating-skateboarding-teenagers/
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2025-05-09 13:01:21 GMT

Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing
VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is […]
The po…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/cardinal-passed-over-for-pope-devoted-life-to-god-for-nothing/
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2025-04-11 13:01:25 GMT

New Clearblue Test Comes With Flight Voucher In Case Result Positive
WASHINGTON—In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive. “Starting today, our home diagnostic products will include a generous $100 credit…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/new-clearblue-test-comes-with-flight-voucher-in-case-result-positive/
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2025-04-01 18:11:05 GMT

Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers
The post Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/attorney-general-seeks-death-penalty-for-all-unitedhealthcare-customers/
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2025-03-31 18:21:08 GMT

White House Correspondents’ Dinner Scraps Host In Favor Of Terrified Silence
WASHINGTON—In the wake of comments the comedian made that reportedly angered the Trump administration, the White House Correspondents’ Association confirmed Monday that it had scrapped Amber Ruffin as the host of its annual dinner in favor of terrified silence. “After much deliberation, we have opted to part way…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/white-house-correspondents-dinner-scraps-host-in-favor-of-terrified-silence/
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2025-03-24 13:01:15 GMT

Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together
The post Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/spray-painted-penis-only-thing-holding-cybertruck-together/
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2025-03-13 14:21:06 GMT

Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor’s Residence
WASHINGTON—Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man’s property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from local protestor Andrew Wyman’s residence. “Every American should be chilled to…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/feds-uncover-terabytes-of-free-speech-during-raid-of-protestors-residence/
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2025-03-10 13:01:18 GMT

DHS Begins National Registry Of Duolingo Users
WASHINGTON—Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country’s safety and cultural unity, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced plans Monday to create a national registry of Duolingo users. “For unknown reasons, there are people in this country attempting to learn foreign languages ranging from Italian to Japanese, and we ne…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/dhs-begins-national-registry-of-duolingo-users/
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2025-01-20 14:01:21 GMT

Confused Trump Autographs Swearing-In Bible Before Handing It Back To Justice Roberts
WASHINGTON—Hampering the chief justice’s efforts to swear him in for a second term, President-elect Donald Trump autographed the inaugural Bible before handing it back to John Roberts, sources confirmed Monday. “There you go—all yours,” said Trump, who took the Bible from Roberts, pulled a Sh…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/confused-trump-autographs-swearing-in-bible-before-handing-it-back-to-justice-roberts/
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2024-12-12 13:01:09 GMT

Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man
MANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday. “It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has resulted in this human male with visibly English traits, a sickly appearance, and a dour demeanor,” said vete…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/years-of-inbreeding-causes-dog-to-birth-british-man/
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2024-11-08 18:36:04 GMT

Trump Boys Have Slap Fight Over Who Gets To Run Foreign Policy Meetings
PALM BEACH, FL—Lashing furiously at each other’s faces with their flailing hands, the Trump boys were reportedly engaged in a slap fight Friday over who would get to run their dad’s foreign policy meetings. “No, you got to do it last time, Eric—it’s my turn, it’s mine!” said Donald Trump Jr., who flinched and cried […]
T…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-have-slap-fight-over-who-gets-to-run-foreign-policy-meetings/
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2024-10-18 04:21:11 GMT

Emotionally Distant Husband Would Rather Watch ‘Stargate SG-1’ Than Have Honest Conversation About ‘Stargate SG-1’
BOSTON—Describing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an hone…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/emotionally-distant-husband-would-rather-watch-stargate-sg-1-than-have-honest-conversation-about-stargate-sg-1/
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2024-08-29 13:26:05 GMT

Study: Crows Intelligent Enough To Steal Trinkets, But Foolish Enough To Think Material Goods Will Solve Problems
CHICAGO—Confirming the impressive but limited scope of the birds’ cognitive abilities, a study published Thursday by the University of Chicago found that crows were intelligent enough to steal trinkets, but foolish enough to think that mate…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/study-crows-intelligent-enough-to-steal-trinkets-but-foolish-enough-to-think-material-goods-will-solve-problems/
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2024-08-23 15:06:05 GMT

Stranded NASA Astronauts Take Emergency Slide Back To Earth
WASHINGTON—Given little choice but to deploy the safety measure, stranded NASA astronauts were forced to take an emergency slide back to earth, sources confirmed Friday. “After realizing that a mechanical failure had made it impossible to return to Earth in the Orion spacecraft, we released the 286-mile inflatable slide stored by the emergency …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/stranded-nasa-astronauts-take-emergency-slide-back-to-earth/
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2024-08-23 03:16:04 GMT

DNC Attendees Set Massive Wooden Donkey Ablaze To Ensure 4 More Years Of Liberal Rule
CHICAGO—Circling around the 100-foot-tall ceremonial mascot as the sharp beat of drums echoed, attendees of the Democratic National Convention reportedly set a massive wooden donkey ablaze outside the United Center Thursday to ensure four more years of liberal rule. “Accept this holy sacrifice…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/dnc-attendees-set-massive-wooden-donkey-ablaze-to-ensure-4-more-years-of-liberal-rule/
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2024-07-09 14:51:07 GMT

Bored Equifax Sees How Much They Can Lower Man’s Credit Score Before He Kills Himself
ATLANTA—Passing the time by inventing random things to penalize him for, bored officials at consumer credit reporting agency Equifax told reporters Tuesday they were seeing how far they could lower Danville, VA resident Scott Arkin’s credit score before he decided to kill himself. “It’s a slow day at the offi…
#theonion
https://www.theonion.com/bored-equifax-sees-how-much-they-can-lower-man-s-credit-1851573506
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