Uncle Duke

Does this look infected?

Public Key

npub1qw9vdlhcjtqattate3zkaz987y67gxr92rnzhk440ws6vhcpdk2s0uuzc3

NIP-05 Address

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsq8zkxlmuf9sw4474uc3tw3znlzd0yrpj4pe3tm26hhgdxtuqkm9gpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0ds4axmyf

Publishing to

relay.damus.io

nos.lol

Author Public Key

npub1qw9vdlhcjtqattate3zkaz987y67gxr92rnzhk440ws6vhcpdk2s0uuzc3

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Last Notes

2024-08-06 19:38:34

Dawn had to keep reminding herself that this was just temporary, and she was only doing it to put herself through law school.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/916/292/405/553/485/original/26a5de942527ccb0.jpeg

2024-07-23 03:28:22

"Soon you shall be free, my brother. This I swear."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/833/195/647/486/593/original/6bda710e424b5291.jpeg

2024-07-22 23:03:42

it is best to find out early who can and cannot be counted upon when the robot uprising begins
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/832/164/804/050/936/original/a2803cf75597d13b.jpeg

2024-07-05 21:34:06

can someone help me identify this birb
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/735/552/765/499/175/original/2bd73501140de1f3.jpeg

2024-06-27 04:11:53

woegurt
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/686/156/010/529/494/original/e3d37348cd1a7c4b.jpeg

2024-06-20 20:02:56

make peace with your god my little friend
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/650/258/747/820/494/original/65a8ea5512945d64.jpeg

2024-06-09 17:02:46

i miss the time in my life when the worst thing that happened was waking up too early on the weekends and having to watch davey and goliath until the good stuff came on

2024-06-06 15:10:50

she better run
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/569/838/996/061/407/original/58733f908b2653bb.jpeg

2024-05-28 15:03:30

okay run it by me one more time
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/518/842/708/494/150/original/4541b477ab491e51.jpeg

2024-05-13 15:32:00

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.

2024-05-06 14:50:43

sons of bibliography
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/394/225/592/104/483/original/382b368f03d17e31.jpeg

2024-04-22 15:17:05

“Sorry I’m late, guys. The sitter called in sick.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/315/056/723/557/664/original/94f2cd046d9a71bd.jpeg

2024-04-17 03:43:37

After a bitter divorce, and her very public nervous breakdown at a London night club, Flüf returns with her most personal album yet. 𝘞𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘌𝘨𝘨𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘴 drops this Friday. The first single, the visceral “Pluck You,” is available on all major streaming services.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/284/016/379/419/560/original/2c55a5ab21a501fb.jpeg

2024-04-16 18:24:58

C̶h̶i̶k̶i̶n̶
C̶h̶i̶k̶k̶o̶n̶
C̶h̶e̶e̶c̶k̶a̶n̶
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/281/807/992/758/475/original/52282a54c0c8291c.jpeg

2024-04-16 14:48:05

On the third Tuesday of every month, all of the Barbaras get together at their local Panera to discuss all Barbara-related matters.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/280/961/442/323/118/original/28bbd9dbbf263d63.jpeg

2024-04-14 03:13:04

IN CASE OF FIRE:
1) If someone is on fire, punch them in the face.
2) Cop a feel off the person behind you, as these might be your last minutes on Earth.
3) Squeeze the junk of the person in front of you. It'll slow them down, allowing you to move ahead of them.
4) Exit.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/266/911/218/619/114/original/eee79a81728613ac.jpeg

2024-04-12 19:47:23

Doris didn't care if this really was the hottest fashion trend in Paris, she thought the hat looked silly.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/259/495/900/728/227/original/b473a611fe5c8038.jpeg

2024-04-11 15:18:34

"Aye, the sirens," says the lighthouse keeper, picking a bit of tobacco from his beard. "Some nights, when the wind is just so, I swear I can hear 'em singing." "What do they sing?" I prod him. A faraway look in his eyes, he says in a voice barely above a whisper, "Tubthumping."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/252/762/246/754/308/original/ae2c8f4dff6f20ad.jpeg

2024-04-09 18:35:18

“Sweet ride, bro.”
“Thanks, pops.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/242/219/093/124/618/original/13d7b8d4e811bb2e.jpeg

2024-04-09 15:32:13

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/241/507/181/696/879/original/d6e0056eb8df7afc.jpeg

2024-04-08 18:30:57

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/236/545/995/629/317/original/fcdc73971245d336.jpeg

2024-04-05 19:00:54

Charlie read his book, blissfully unaware that he sat mere inches from international super spy, and master of disguise, Bernardo Andolini, a.k.a. “The Chameleon.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/219/671/491/662/901/original/2e8b907d415cd80d.jpeg

2024-04-04 14:59:30

Now in my fifties, my mornings look like a much sadder, much slower version of a Rocky training montage that ends with me triumphantly ready to walk the dog.

2024-04-03 18:40:09

“Hurry up, Arnold! The wolf just took down your brother’s house and it looks like he’s headed this way!”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/208/263/282/715/303/original/4e16f8d1de10f3e2.jpeg

2024-04-02 18:18:11

it used to be a window and one day it hopes to be a house
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/202/521/573/579/411/original/23c17d6eac81c677.jpeg

2024-04-02 15:05:36

decades-long manhunt finally ends
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/201/767/088/296/868/original/0f090cd386883354.jpeg

2024-03-31 17:10:12

“Very funny, Jesus. Give it back.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/190/929/464/585/397/original/c6232c2dca8d26ad.jpeg

2024-03-30 14:18:26

"What happened?"
"I’m stuck. It's so embarrassing."
“I guess things went... a-rye?”
“Please do shut up.”
"You should get out of the sun."
"Why?"
"Otherwise, you'll be toast."
"You're an asshole, Charlie."
“You’re right, you deserve butter.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/184/829/161/255/716/original/1a97e6d99e867e2a.jpeg

2024-03-29 20:20:32

"Where were you?"
"Working late."
"Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Don't be paranoid, Loretta."
"Paranoid? Paranoid?!?"
"Just calm d-"
"GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/180/553/634/717/217/original/13acc068cc6da0c0.jpeg

2024-03-29 14:34:36

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/179/227/979/308/560/original/089ad3ff5517c53d.jpeg

2024-03-28 20:51:39

Everything that happened last night came back to Phillip all at once. He was now pretty sure he knew just exactly what he’d do for a Klondike Bar, and he really hoped there weren’t any pictures.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/175/049/934/925/532/original/3c71988737bb86ed.jpeg

2024-03-27 16:54:28

what kind of idiot uses packing tape for a job that obviously requires duct tape?
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/168/453/221/263/357/original/4d479cbd8fa74dfd.jpeg

2024-03-24 20:19:45

BEWARE OF LOG
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/152/258/409/188/402/original/6f576cc3b68bb18e.jpeg

2024-03-21 16:52:59

wife: your son got in trouble at school
me: what did he do?
wife: made fun of his teacher
me: which one?
wife: mrs. johanssen
me: is that “eyebrows” or “the mole?”
wife: “the mole”
me: which one has the weird teeth?
wife: that’s miss schroeder
me: i really wonder why he does this

2024-03-20 20:37:12

"Ah, I see you've met Mr. Whiskers. Mr. Whiskers was a bad cat, a very bad cat. YOU'RE not a bad cat, are you Mittens?"
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/129/693/888/864/186/original/4141d96d4092ea4b.jpeg

2024-03-20 14:00:17

worst scavenger hunt ever
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/128/134/038/819/221/original/cc0508a5faa9e58c.jpeg

2024-03-19 17:41:06

thinking about opening up a Dickens-themed chicken and sausage joint called “It was the Breast of Times, it was the Wurst of Times”

2024-03-18 22:31:33

ME: I thought Tom Jones was a dead English singer, but he’s alive and Welsh.
WIFE: You write some awful jokes.
ME: It’s not unusual.

2024-03-16 17:22:57

grandpa and i planted a couple of matchbox cars in his yard when i was little and it was so gratifying to watch them grow as i got older
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/106/281/360/068/353/original/6edd99611acada1d.jpeg

2024-03-15 21:00:24

“It’s a dog door, a DOG door. Now, one more time, what are you?”
[sigh] “I’m a horse.”
“That’s right Jim, you’re a horse.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/101/474/142/251/491/original/941c92a6588e8617.jpeg

2024-03-15 17:25:48

“My dad is so old…”
“How old is he?”
“He’s so old, we call him the 20th century fox!”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/100/631/600/757/433/original/a60332cb97d587ff.jpeg

2024-03-14 22:13:21

After many years of scrimping, saving, careful budgeting, working overtime, and doing without, I was finally able to save up enough money to buy this awesome camera.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/096/102/984/249/708/original/0aea316fa6c0513c.jpeg

2024-03-13 17:23:27

I’ve been with my wife for over twenty years, and every single time that I’ve ever walked in on her naked, I’ve asked her, “How do you scare bees?” I like to think the fact that she still shouts out the answer is a pretty good sign that she’s probably not planning to divorce me.

2024-03-13 02:41:14

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

2024-03-12 17:44:40

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? We’re trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/083/702/975/421/923/original/338f0a2668e6f550.jpeg

2024-03-12 14:15:11

“This sounds like a pyramid scheme, Stan.”
“It’s not, and let me tell you why...”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/082/891/847/786/516/original/7dd8acb51ca64062.jpeg

2024-03-09 15:14:08

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/066/136/909/540/076/original/9d1a4c914a763879.jpeg

2024-03-08 17:55:19

grandpa insisted that he didn’t want a funeral but this just feels wrong
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/061/108/838/437/380/original/a53fbd46bb736dee.jpeg

2024-03-07 22:00:34

"And she's all like 'quack quack quack, when are we flying to Florida, and quack quack quack, I really gotta tell my folks...' and I'm thinking I just spent eight hours working at the pond to put bread on the table, and all I wanna do is put my feet up and watch the heckin game."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/112/056/416/703/248/801/original/48d91fafc3f69e46.jpeg

2024-02-13 21:06:41

David Attenborough [whispering]:
“Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/111/925/967/211/041/923/original/4d193f3dca875de4.jpeg

2024-01-25 17:32:03

Just let it sink in, I’ll wait.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/111/817/544/147/949/870/original/794020849dc6b6d7.jpeg

2024-01-05 15:02:30

if you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale

2023-12-15 00:43:17

holy shit
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/111/581/422/720/675/844/original/141697b2dd356347.jpeg

2023-11-09 15:47:30

As he and his classmates are rushed from the store, Peter Parker feels a slight pinch on the back of his hand. “Here we go again,” he groans.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/111/381/135/114/560/583/original/671c13c28f67934a.jpeg

2023-09-15 23:45:27

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/111/071/351/466/465/555/original/5b614d81a89dd2d8.jpeg

2023-08-19 17:58:25

except chickens, because fuck chickens
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/917/104/495/787/299/original/f06a7927aa124586.jpeg

2023-08-17 19:44:06

As Fozzie stood at the top step, he felt two tiny, webbed hands shove him from behind. He found himself cartwheeling through empty space, landing squarely on his back with a loud crack. As his vision dimmed, he heard a small, throaty voice from above. "Wokka wokka, motherfucker."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/906/195/426/357/836/original/78a3b3bb0a46164b.jpeg

2023-08-17 15:39:21

sometimes at concerts, impatient audiences like to toss around a fedex guy while they're waiting for the band to come on
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/905/233/046/229/314/original/7f474e4d9796e0d6.jpeg

2023-08-16 15:19:34

“Who is it, Charlie?”
“It’s Tim from next door. He wants us to know that our bird feeder’s empty.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/899/492/967/172/080/original/55f83f721c74c479.jpeg

2023-08-15 20:05:01

i told my wife that i didn’t think she took criticism well and the irony of her reaction was completely lost on her

2023-08-15 15:52:01

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?
me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook
interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?
me:
that’s not what i said

2023-08-15 03:08:45

Being born a child of wealth and privilege is no more that individual’s doing than a person born into poverty and despair. Neither one should live their life as if they deserve it.

2023-08-14 15:35:24

One day in the 11th grade, a friend and I were sitting in the cafeteria, desperately trying to recall the name of the creatures from Land of the Lost. A year later, in the middle of a class, he spun around, pointed at me, and said, “SLEESTAKS.” This was our Google in the 80s.

2023-08-12 15:45:29

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/876/945/507/116/585/original/67e54aed8f0efccb.jpeg

2023-08-11 15:12:18

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/871/152/877/752/021/original/eb0b8c68e03f7795.jpeg

2023-08-08 22:09:28

"It's dangerous to go alone! Take this."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/855/806/297/554/389/original/a4cbc6584be11d67.jpeg

2023-08-08 15:49:10

"What's the lesson here, guys?"
"We don’t know.”
"C’mon, think about it."
"Don't be assholes?"
"Don’t be assholes. Especially to…”
"To the guy with the thumbs?"
"To the guy with the thumbs."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/854/310/934/267/443/original/5d462b81352d9d35.jpeg

2023-08-06 21:01:41

As the song on the radio played, Arnold couldn’t help but wonder if this poor Taylor Swift girl would ever find true happiness. He made a mental note to send her one of his tennis balls when he got home.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/844/215/161/871/712/original/d9252309bdd8ef4a.jpeg

2023-08-06 16:26:40

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

2023-08-06 16:02:23

“Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
- John F. Kennedy
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/843/038/259/409/149/original/30c025f6d2ff9876.jpeg

2023-08-06 00:13:45

not to brag, but I once beat a joke to death using only my phone

2023-08-05 15:37:26

sounds like they have a dam attitude problem
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/837/277/826/217/459/original/7450f03655974ab8.jpeg

2023-08-04 22:43:58

“Hey, who’s the new girl?”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/833/292/706/563/640/original/30820f573fc33df1.jpeg

2023-07-12 18:07:40

probably full of teenage poetry
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/701/973/104/637/727/original/b32c4014e02abb3f.jpeg

2023-07-07 15:11:13

I’m no financial expert, but it looks to me like they’re organizing a hedge fund.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/672/967/778/664/651/original/e4148509e9b997d5.jpeg

2023-07-06 22:28:28

omg how long have they been there
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/669/020/660/350/541/original/3564a9f8ed0eace8.jpeg

2023-04-01 21:53:11

sloth broth
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/110/125/304/215/173/299/original/24810cdd8b4e9e75.jpeg