I wish for a heart you can see straight through
for a voice that glows in the dark
and a few really good friends to skip moonrocks to. - Andrea Gibson (jellyfish)

Ri Goat is a disabled poet who watches birds from bed.

Last Notes

- reply

@nprofile…cjpx i'll give it a try. I've started using tardis.guide a lot lately to make sense of all the audio doctor who i own, and using the random button to decide my next listen. So thanks for being there!

2026-07-22 10:02:16 GMT

- reply

@nprofile…h0ep I get it. I have elements of that in my family and grief too.
So there's the grief over the persons I lost,
the grief that the situation in the family caused me to not be part of their lives as i would have wanted,
the grief that i cannot mourn together with my family, they mourn together (i assume) but i mourn alone, which is a whole new kind of loneliness,
and the grief over the relationships with people still alive.
I hope you find some comfort in realising that I get it, or that all these elements are part of some other peoples grief as well. And feel free to reach out to me whenever you think that may be helpful. Even though i know these feelings well, i have no additonal specific advice aside from acknowledging all the kinds of grief.
And, like you hinted at too, the worry that the family sees my absense or behavior or my not being able to find the right words in a setting, as lack of care. And the worry that that only grows the big gap in these relationships bigger.
I don't know what to do about that. Aside from reminding myself that their opinion of me doesn't have to influence my own opinion of me, or how my friends see me. I think I tell myself a lot that this time is focusing on my own feeling, not theirs.
But yeah. All of this is hard.
<3

2026-07-22 09:39:30 GMT

- reply

@nprofile…h0ep i have no idea if this is good advice or if i'm doing a good job, etc, but:
allow myself to feel sad.
try to be more kind and gentle to myself when i feel sad. 'i can have the good coffee today' or 'i won't have to deal with answering email today'
accept sadness as a normal part of life/grief. I even learned to appreciate it as a feeling that tells me how big the love between me and the person i'm griefing is.
Allow myself to talk about it to others when I need to, and reach out to friends who have to to hear me, or at other moments, accept that reaching out to friends is hard and they understand if i'm less around right now.
give an object that reminds me of them a permanent place in my house. Can be something that was theirs, but for my grandmother i bought a wooden heart i happened to find in a thriftstore.
Allow the grief to be there whenever it wants. Thoughts like: 'really, crying again? It's been 8 months' are not welcome in my mind, ever.
I have lost 3 family members last year, and other people longer ago, but i never lost anybody who i was living with. I can imagine that giving a whole new dimention to grief. Because for me my daily routines were not forced to change because of someones absense.
After a decade of therapy i still don't really kow how to 'process' emotions, but i often manage to give them space and allow them to be there, and eventually they process themselves.
Also, i'm very sorry for your loss. Do you want a hug?

2026-07-17 17:14:37 GMT

how can i look at old UK newspapers? I need stories from september 13, 1915, and maybe the following days. I know my way around dutch archives, but can someone put me in the right direction for english newspapers?

2026-06-19 17:39:18 GMT

the news says someone found a painting, it's of a meeting in 1608 which led to the becoming of the Netherlands as a country.
And I'm just sitting here screaming at the picture: is that a dog? Is that a dog? Was the Netherlands founded by a dog?!
https://nos.nl/artikel/2619372-schilderij-ontdekt-van-vergadering-in-1608-de-geboorte-van-nederland
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/116/777/969/311/904/486/original/b016603412a5079f.png

2026-06-14 14:18:19 GMT

- reply

gave up on this webshop after all. The ordering form wanted gender of me and the receiver, adresses and phonenumber of both,
i do not have a gender and the gift was going to a married straight couple and it wanted me to select either dhr or mevr for all of us. And then i filled in nonsense for my address and all phonenumbers since the less data you share, the less data gets leaked, but of course their website was smart enough that 'not relevant' didn't match with my postcode and that all our phone numbers were incorrect.
There was a chat-with-customer support button hoovering, so i told them why i left and then closed the browser tabs before they could reply. hah.
Then i ended up in another webshop hell that forced me to edit the card i selected to go with the gift, and then i had to understand a whole card editor! geez. took me minutes just to find the exit button and arrive in my 'basket' but then i realised they never asked me what to write in the rest of the (lengthy) order process and i had to go back to the card editor and figure out how to only edit the text inside the card to add my name. Then they convinced me to make an account for a 3 euro discount but while making an account it became clear me opting in to newsletters and promotions was mandatory to get the discount, and now i was annoyed enough to rather check out as guest and pay full price.
geez. webshops are such hard work these days.

2026-06-14 13:41:39 GMT

honestly, i was about to click order, but i guess i didn't move my mouse for 10 seconds and the webshop did a popup with: please don't leave us, and if you give us your emailadress will we keep your basket filled for later.
Now I'm annoyed enough that I might first consider other webshops.

2026-06-08 09:33:05 GMT

Are their examples of disabled authors who succesfully publish their work because someone else helped them?
i read alice's wong disability visability a few months ago and it contained a story of someone who couldn't use screens anymore after a concussion and they hired someone to help them edit their book. That story has been on my mind ever since.
I always wanted to write books but for all kinds of reasons never succeeded yet (i do have published poetry i guess), and when my disabilities got worse i assumed i could never hope to do that any more, until i read about this example.
Now i'm very curious if there are more stories out there of disabled people getting help. Doesn't have to be similar to my own disabilities, I'd love to know about all of them.

2026-05-12 09:04:41 GMT

I've been thinking for at least a month what I want to say/write/publish on ME awarenessday (12 may, today), and nothing I think about hits the spot.
But I think that's because right now, I'm not suffering from ME/CFS.
Sure, I am in pain all the time, and I spent 90% of my day in bed or on the couch, and I can't read books anymore or watch video's. Or even find enough brain clearity to do my own administration most days.
But that's not what I'm suffering from most! Because I adapted to accepting those things from life. And it's fine, I'm fine. My many years with this illness have taught me that I do not need ability to reach happiness.
What I am suffering from is not getting the help I need. I'm not getting enough and I'm constantly forced to fight to keep what I have.
Just like anyone, abled or disabled, i need help to meet my own needs. Financial help, practical help, emotional help, medical help. Some people think they're not getting help because they're able to pay for it, or they help others in a similar amount. But that's still getting help!

2026-04-07 11:24:00 GMT

i wish abled people would realise how often disabled people accomodate them.

2026-04-03 12:18:36 GMT

i had to clean my rubiks cube, so made a picture in case you wanted to see what it looks like.
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/116/340/707/551/309/672/original/fe2442931b2abf8b.webp
https://media.mastodon.sunny.garden/media_attachments/files/116/340/707/644/344/524/original/d45bc3836b23aeca.webp

2026-01-16 06:48:31 GMT

Goodmorning
I wish you feel how loved you are

2026-01-12 09:02:29 GMT

- reply

@nprofile…f4cc goodmorning

2026-01-05 18:34:41 GMT

- reply

@nprofile…f4cc gladly
*soft warm hug*

2025-12-19 09:45:19 GMT

Goodmorning,
i wish you feel safe

2025-11-12 11:47:12 GMT

a podcaster I really like just said: if you think the background music is too loud, this podcast just isn't for you.
And I'm close to tears. Before I realised headphones made it easier for me, I really struggled with listening to any podcast with background music. I often wondered if I could email creators if they can email me a version without music, but it never did.
A few years ago I found a podcast about Long-Covid and it had two edits for every episode; with and without background sounds and sound effects. It made me go: thank goodness someone out there knows this is a need. I never saw a podcast like that ever again.
Not everything has to be accessible I guess, and if you're a person creating a whole podcast by yourself in your garage you're probably really proud of all of it, and you hate the idea that someone doesn't like a part of it. That's valid. But I cannot watch any video or animation. My brain crashes when I try to read more than a hundred words with my eyes. Podcasts and audiobooks are my only entertainment. And I unsubscribe to a podcast because the sound editing makes me ill about once a week.
If all the shows only say: 'if you're bothered by the sounds, this show isn't for you'. Then what is for me?

2025-10-24 10:39:57 GMT

@nprofile…w4ru hi what would be the best way to address accessibility issues I have with antennapod?
Your website says you care about accessibility but i don't see a way to mention to you that 2 small features are making the app inaccessible to me right now.