stefan

Joke attempter. Mildly annoying. Occasionally humorous.

JustMyToots: stefan (npub1xpr…wfz0)">https://justmytoots.com/stefan (npub1xpr…wfz0)

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npub1xprwer8mh5qaj5xcaawl4759sn5z5mlhufjssqal5yfghfqf2xdqdawfz0

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[email protected]

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsrq3hv3nam6qwe2rvw7h06l2zcf6p2dlm7yeggqwl6zy5t5sy4rxspz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dswg6uxt

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relay.damus.io

nos.lol

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npub1xprwer8mh5qaj5xcaawl4759sn5z5mlhufjssqal5yfghfqf2xdqdawfz0

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Last Notes

2026-06-18 23:19:07 GMT

casually mentioned to my 6yo the sun will eventually run out of fuel and incinerate the planet, but tried to console him by the fact that he doesn’t have to worry about it because we’ll all be dead way before that happens

2026-03-09 13:49:47 GMT

Dear news sites: Your "Turn off your adblocker" wall doesn't work. We aren't turning it off. We won't talk about your article. We won't share it. We will just leave. You're only ghosting your own traffic and engagement.

2026-02-13 19:47:48 GMT

Chocolate covered strawberries taste mid, it’s not an interesting flavor pairing. It’s one of those things where the idea is better than the execution.

2026-02-11 07:21:10 GMT

farting is not a crime

2026-02-10 23:54:35 GMT

Kid Rock claiming Bad Bunny only got the Super Bowl because of DEI, while Rock cancels tour dates and Bad Bunny sells out stadiums, is the perfect metaphor for the oblivious, jealous conceit of white grievance.

2026-02-07 03:56:39 GMT

- reply

i didn’t see it, but it was so bad, even republicans said it was racist

2026-02-07 03:47:19 GMT

so, on top of removing black history from museums, historical sites, and books, the white house is also posting racist videos during black history month

2026-02-02 03:27:30 GMT

the right: an anonymous person on the internet posted some numbers that undeniably prove that tom hanks, wayfair, and a pizza shop are running a pedophile ring!
also the right: i’m sure there’s a simple explanation why there are so many emails between epstein and billionaires like elon musk

2026-01-27 01:42:43 GMT

greg bovino can finally return to his true passion at his old job as a monster npc in wolfenstein 3d

2026-01-23 10:44:13 GMT

hahah, i gamed the system! i just ate an entire bottle of gummy vitamins so now i don’t have to eat healthy for the next two months suckas!

2026-01-23 02:23:42 GMT

i nominate the city of minneapolis for the next nobel peace prize

2026-01-21 21:21:40 GMT

none of you seem to understand. i'm not logged in here with you. you're logged in here with ME

2026-01-18 07:36:57 GMT

i think my 2yo is going to become a shitposter, he just said the “knee is the knuckle of the leg”

2026-01-12 06:57:31 GMT

hot wine moms in your area want to abolish ice

2026-01-12 05:21:20 GMT

our friends’ friend was recently deported, the agents were stalking his workplace and following the employees around for a week before they grabbed him and his coworkers up and dropped them off at a random place in mexico after stealing their money and phones.

2026-01-09 21:47:30 GMT

i noticed you liked my post but didn’t repost it. i apologize wholeheartedly for failing you and wasting your valuable time. i have brought shame and dishonor to my ancestors and i shall be deleting my account.

2026-01-09 06:37:57 GMT

if it’s called DE-odorant, shouldn’t it remove odor instead of mask it with a scent?
cvs employee: i already gave you your money back. you can keep the stick, we are not allowed to handle it. there is a tuft of armpit pubes sticking out the cap, it is illegal to be on these premises.

2026-01-08 23:46:44 GMT

hey girl, pirated movies and chill? i got the new zootopia dubbed in italian with japanese subtitles

2026-01-08 03:42:35 GMT

i don’t think the intention of noting the victim’s citizenship is to imply that one life is more valuable, but rather to shake anyone out of complacency and apathy if they assumed their passport would shield them from the violence and brutality of their own government

2026-01-07 21:28:52 GMT

after last year, don't tell me we can't get rid of the electoral college

2026-01-07 06:21:29 GMT

whoever stole the devil's hairpiece will have hell toupee

2026-01-04 22:11:43 GMT

i just found out about the juicero, it was a $700 machine that required a subscription for $35/week to get a package of pulp with a drm qr code that it squeezes. it was soon discovered that you could just squeeze it by hand for same results. i kind of wish there were a documentary about it.

2026-01-01 23:44:05 GMT

i found out my longtime suspicion has been confirmed today, my wife only married me for my costco membership

2025-12-30 06:29:09 GMT

billionaires are like ‘i would do anything for love (buy social media apps, buy politicians, buy newspapers, buy elections, buy tv/movie/game studios) but i won’t do *that*! (share my wealth with society)’

2025-12-28 08:15:19 GMT

babybjörn implies adultbjörn. where is the adultbjörn? i demand to be transported via an adultbjörn.

2025-12-25 18:24:23 GMT

an episode of black mirror about a man who stays with his parents for the night and lowers the thermostat, causing an arctic blast of frigid air that envelops the earth, and leading to a catastrophic chain of events that threatens to engulf the world in ice, written by my dad.

2025-12-22 21:37:08 GMT

the average person eats 16 bacon wrapped jalapeño poppers with brisket cream cheese stuffing in their sleep per year

2025-12-14 03:31:06 GMT

what are we even doing here? the human brain was not designed to have to memorize this many unique passwords.

2025-12-13 22:16:40 GMT

hey, sign up for the new app i just deployed that lets you store all your financial data, passwords, and your deepest darkest secrets all in one place! it’s my first app, i’ve never coded before in my life but thanks to vibe coding, i was able to ship it in a day!
ignore the security warning. if you have issues, i’ll send a script to disable the antivirus and firewall. don’t worry about the app, it’s safe, the bots that wrote it confirmed 'this app is fire, bro.’

2025-12-05 20:40:03 GMT

yes, i’m a cartoon, no i don’t know blondie, beetle bailey, or ziggy. and when is the last time you’ve seen a comic, 1970?

2025-12-05 01:46:42 GMT

secret is sandwich structure
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/664/434/071/497/557/original/ee9d88aa963444de.png

2025-12-04 07:20:16 GMT

no i don't want to download the stable version, i'm not a fucking horse

2025-11-27 02:48:54 GMT

in holiday time, today is friday, tomorrow and friday are big saturday, and saturday and sunday are big sunday

2025-11-18 07:07:17 GMT

the teleological culmination of humankind's evolutionary trajectory will be unequivocally realized when people are born without pubes

2025-10-31 21:56:54 GMT

Uh oh, it's Friday the 31st, watch out for dyslexic Jason!

2025-10-31 15:34:28 GMT

No, I don't want to rate your app, I will never want to rate any apps, so you can stop asking.

2025-10-28 06:08:13 GMT

If I were president, I’d make sure that any company claiming their software is free and open-source actually has a fully functional version that’s not just a demo version of the enterprise product.

2025-10-26 04:28:10 GMT

*flashlight under chin*
It was a still, moonless night much like tonight, the darkness congealed in the sky like three-day-old top ramen, at 1 AM. A frontend developer named Chad needed just one package. No problem. He typed npm install.
EACCES: permission denied.
He scoured Stack Overflow for answers. He cleared his cache. Deleted package-lock.json, committed package-lock.json. Nuked node_modules. Nothing. The errors only got weirder... gyp ERR! stack Error: \make` failed`.
He even considered contacting his team, but it was 3:30 AM, and he already knew their answer: "It works on my machine."
In his desperation, he even tried Yarn, but the more he pulled at all the loose threads, the more frayed he got.
Then a thought occurred to him, and he laughed maniacally. "You want to play games? Let's play games!" He clacked furiously away at his keyboard. Then, as his index finger hovered over the return key, he took a pause, realizing what he was about to do. He typed the forbidden incantation. The one he swore he'd never use…
...sudo... npm install -g
He ran npm… as root.
They say he went insane, and some nights, if you leave a bowl of ramen out, you can still hear him in his office... moaning about how his laptop was haunted by malware and conflicting permissions, trying to figure out why his linter won't install.

2025-10-24 19:36:18 GMT

so this ballroom is going to create jobs, lower grocery prices/rent, house vets, and feed schoolchildren, you say?

2025-10-23 03:11:32 GMT

It’s funny how the phrase “that’s an awful lot of people” could mean that’s an awful lot of people but it could also mean that’s an awful lot of people.

2025-10-21 15:26:02 GMT

It was the smurf of times. It was the smurf of times.

2025-10-20 20:01:21 GMT

I've been here a few years and I'm still not sure if I have the concept of the Fediverse right. I have some mutuals who have been here a while and seem to misunderstand it too. So here's my attempt to rubber duck it:
I think when you come from Twitter/Bluesky/Facebook/etc to join Mastodon, you see it through the same frame of reference of a centralized platform and moderation. There are two important distinctions.
The first distinction is that while Mastodon is the most prevalent Fediverse app, not everything you see in your timeline originated from a Mastodon app/server. There are other microblogging apps like Misskey, Pleroma, Friendica, or dozens of their forks. There’re also other interest-specific apps like Pixelfed for photo sharing, Peertube for video, Lemmy for link aggregation. Or bridges from other platforms. So even though you may be using a Mastodon client and server to view and post content, other people might be using something else to post and interact with you on the Fediverse. In other words, it’s more accurate to refer to the ecosystem as the Fediverse rather than Mastodon.
The second distinction comes out of the first. The Fediverse is not centralized and therefore, neither is moderation. Anyone can host their own server and they can connect it to the rest of the Fediverse or be completely siloed, they can block other servers, or be blocked by other servers. Sometimes A instance can see B instance but B instance can’t see A instance. Your instance might block a server or permanently ban a user so you don’t have to interact with bad actors, but there is no way to permanently remove a server or user from joining the rest of the Fediverse. On the flip side of the coin, your instance can have more granular control over who/what is blocked instead of relying on a small centralized opinionated moderator team. Also, you can migrate to a different instance if you don’t like the moderation policy of the one you’re on.
Sometimes I see people comment on moderation, the nice vibe, how awesome the people are, or how there are “no nazis” on “Mastodon” or “the Fediverse.” The nitpick is that your experience is not the whole Fediverse experience, your experience is the unique combination of your blocks/mutes, your instance, server mods, blocked servers, your mutuals, and their mutuals. You might feel like you are in an utopian version of Twitter, but there are parts of the Fediverse that are way worse than Twitter/X ever was, with instances catering to former users of sites like 4chan and Kiwi Farms. If you didn’t know, thank your mods.
So basically, the Fediverse is not just Mastodon, and your moderated instance and friends are why your experience is enjoyable, not the Fediverse itself.
Note: I will edit this to correct anything that is wrong, so please feel free to clarify or correct any inaccurate statements.

2025-10-19 02:01:49 GMT

If I were in a zombie outbreak, I'd simply bite the zombies to turn them into non-zombies first.

2025-10-17 16:10:24 GMT

Boss: Why are there dildos hanging all over the walls?
Me: You told me to make the office look like a glory hole.
Boss: No, I told you to put up Halloween decorations.
Me: Exactly, now it looks like a hall o’ ween!

2025-10-14 21:28:57 GMT

Yes, yes, we call ‘em toots. Yes, it's a euphemism for flatulence. Go ahead and get it out of your system.

2025-10-13 14:15:33 GMT

Coworker in Slack: GM!
Me: General Manager to you too!

2025-10-12 00:42:03 GMT

Barista: Here is your cold brew!
Me: Thanks. Do you have a bathroom?
Barista: Yes, it's up the stairs, two lefts, then down the hallway. And the door code is 1832# 9867*!
Me, an adhd haver: Thanks, I'll just piss my pants.

2025-10-12 00:27:47 GMT

Ave Maria is short for Avenue Marinara Sauce

2025-10-11 07:17:17 GMT

I don't understand these people who say they have to become “antiwoke” because someone was mean to them.
A few years ago, I made a joke on Twitter that enraged the disabled community, and they were brigading me hard and being rude and insulting me. At first, it seemed absurd because the joke didn't mention disability at all, and their offense didn't make sense to me because that was not my intention to make fun of them. My instinct was to double down and make light of their offense, but it just got worse and worse, and they were frankly being assholes. Like people were coming out of the woodwork to psychoanalyze me, and one said I hate my grandparents, which is a weird thing to assume because mine died before I was born. Even a disability rights author with like 100k followers chimed in to call me a “bonehead.”
But after hours of pushing back, I asked myself, “Do you really want to be known as the guy who showed the disabled community what’s what?” I realized that I was fighting with a vulnerable group, and from the outside perspective, even though unintentionally, I was punching down, which makes me the asshole. The tweet was doing numbers, and my ego was bruised, so I told them something like, “ok, fine, you all won't stop harassing me, so I’ll delete the tweet!” and everyone left me alone.
For context, the joke was that I was trying to portray a grumpy curmudgeon character who said that frozen grilled cheese was the epitome of laziness and the beginning of the end of civilization. The issue was that some people with mobility and economic challenges rely on frozen meals and face the stigma of being called lazy when it's not that at all.
Was it my intention to be ableist? No. Was my joke ableist? Yes. Were the people telling me it was really mean? YES. Did they have a point? Yes. Are we mortal enemies now? No. Did it make me abandon my morals, values, views on equality/human rights, and become a fascist? Nah uh.
The experience taught me to be more mindful of how a joke can be perceived or have unintended implications or connotations, or hurt people. I think it was a great lesson.

2025-10-09 20:39:04 GMT

Who cares about the Nobel Peace Prize, it was all just a PR spin because the manufacturer of TNT didn't want people to remember his nickname was the merchant of death.

2025-10-09 16:29:47 GMT

Look, I know that the Fediverse isn't just Mastodon, but I use Mastadon as a colloquial term like Coke for soda, Kleenex for tissue, Band-Aid for adhesive bandage, Google for search engine, or Fleshlight for pocket pussy. Also I know that someone will always correct me, so it's good enragement engagement bait and I am an engagement ho.

2025-10-09 02:21:55 GMT

After seeing all the shitposters trickle in and pop up on jorts.horse, beige.party, random social instances, and now fuckaas.space, I can relate to how sports draft days are for some people.

2025-10-07 20:40:26 GMT

Never say never, but one thing about the fediverse that is different from other platforms is that it would be very difficult to start monetizing by shoving ads, ai, etc, in your face. Like with the threads integrations, instances were able to opt out. However, remember that it costs money/resources to feed the hamsters that turn the wheels on the server. If you are able, consider pitching in a few dollars to your server admins if they have a donation page.

2025-10-07 13:30:40 GMT

It's not fair that I have to compete with people who have motivation.

2025-10-06 17:48:28 GMT

Welcome to all new shitposters from Bluesky, if you are in line for a reply guy who doesn't get jokes, please stay in line!

2025-10-06 02:41:30 GMT

For science, I went down the rabbit hole and checked out podcasts and have been able to categorize them into 4 groups:
Podcasts about other podcasts
Podcasters interviewing other podcasters
Podcasters guest-hosting for other podcasters
Podcasters guest-hosting for other podcasters interviewing other podcasters about other podcasts

2025-09-28 22:13:26 GMT

Food products are like “this $20 box of mac and cheese is better for your kids’ health, if you even care about it, you piece of shit.” And then you check the nutritional data and it's almost the same as the generic brand.

2025-09-27 23:58:03 GMT

When all the branches of government have failed us, protest remains our strongest voice against tyranny. They fear this power, which is why they are turning our own army against us.

2025-09-26 09:50:56 GMT

I hate that Google search AI feature at the top of the results. Yeah, no shit “recipe pancakes blueberries buttermilk” isn't a common expression, they're called keywords and you used to be very good at finding pages that had the most occurrences of them without mansplaining why my query is wrong.

2025-09-25 16:50:25 GMT

I AM FUCKING OUTRAGED THAT YOUTUBE IS REPLATFORMING COVID AND ELECTION CONSPIRACY CHANNELS BECAUSE I WAS PRETTY SURE THEY ALREADY DID LIKE 5 YEARS AGO! ARE TIME AND REALITY ILLUSIONS??

2025-09-23 18:00:56 GMT

What if the Rapture was real, but the Christians were not?

2025-09-23 00:56:10 GMT

I like how the solution for signing online forms is typing your name, but in a cursive font.

2025-09-19 20:10:19 GMT

Empathy is a survival trait without which we would already be extinct.

2025-09-15 22:20:36 GMT

We are illegalizing the comedy
Pray we do not illegalize it further

2025-09-15 01:01:39 GMT

So all those people who say we have to defend free speech, even if we disagree with it, and are vehemently against cancel culture, got about 50 people fired for posting mean things in the last 4 days. I guess it’s “fuck your feelings but treat ours like a Faberge egg.”

2025-09-14 04:04:35 GMT

Sorry to bother you, but the wealthiest man in the world issued a fatwa on anyone who disagrees with him to his apoplectic, belligerent, and armed supporters. I'm sure it's no big deal, though.

2025-09-10 04:11:25 GMT

John Roberts: *wakes up in cold sweat* ahhhhhh fuck no fuck no fuck no!!!
Mrs. Roberts: What's wrong dear? Was it one of those woke Christmas ghosts whining how you sent Tiny Tim to the gulag?
John: Nothing like that, I had the nightmare again where everyone had their student debt relieved.

2025-09-09 03:54:09 GMT

I don't know, man, your reply with a Simpsons gif feels like overt hostility.

2025-09-07 02:47:49 GMT

RFK Jr. really is the living example of the American Dream, proving that no matter who you are, if you work hard enough, you can become a leader in your field based on your own merit. Then, a rich nepobaby with a blog will end up in charge and fire you because you disagree with his eugenic agenda.

2025-09-05 17:38:15 GMT

Was able to get Covid and Flu shots today before they are deemed illegal by the Ministry of Miasma and Humors Purging Services

2025-09-05 07:12:23 GMT

Please don't make fun of RFK Jr.’s voice, he can't help it. A box fan got stuck in his throat when he found it on the side of the freeway and tried to eat it.

2025-09-03 16:19:12 GMT

The worst part about aging is that no one wants to hear about the incredible new music you just discovered anymore.

2025-08-29 04:21:11 GMT

Ummm. No, I did not lie on my resume. I am a theoretical physicist because if I had pursued a degree in physics, I would be a physicist IN THEORY. Touche, case closed, apology accepted.

2025-08-28 00:39:25 GMT

You may not be able to burn the US flag, but you can still invade the Capitol without legal repercussions.

2025-08-23 04:04:17 GMT

oh no, someone on the internet was mean to me. has anyone else ever have that happen to them?

2025-08-19 07:42:00 GMT

if you can't handle me at my most apathetic, then fine, whatever

2025-08-18 21:54:32 GMT

I accidentally gave my kids regular toothpaste instead children's and they acted like I put mustard on their toothbrushes.

2025-08-16 00:34:59 GMT

if you outlaw sandwiches, only outlaws will have sandwiches

2025-07-19 22:52:44 GMT

People saying it's impossible Colbert’s show was canceled by CBS for financial reasons because his show had the highest ratings are wrong. Placating the president so he will approve their acquisition by Skydance for $8 billion is a purely financial decision.

2025-07-10 15:41:31 GMT

I wish Hollywood would depict dragons correctly. They're not birds or reptiles—no, they are dachshund/bat hybrids.

2025-07-09 18:41:38 GMT

Superman wasn't born in the US, neither of his biological parents were US citizens, he didn't enter into the US via a legal immigration process. He is literally an alien. Yeah, he is an immigrant.

2025-07-01 22:32:24 GMT

It’s hard for younger people to understand Jimmy Swaggart because he was from a different socio-political era when scandals involving prostitution and war crimes could temporarily negatively impact your career, as opposed to now, where they actually improve it.

2025-06-27 15:11:02 GMT

in a 6-3 vote, the supreme court has agreed to change its name to the inferior court

2025-06-24 17:21:42 GMT

Rightwinger: There’s no discrimination anymore, minorities just need to get out of the victim mentality and empower themselves.
[movie comes out with a self-empowered minority hero]
Rightwinger: They need to stop shoving this woke bullshit down our throats.

2025-06-23 19:37:23 GMT

What all the dystopian end-of-times fiction got wrong was how cringe it would be.

2025-06-09 12:54:02 GMT

A moment of appreciation for all the protestors risking their safety to march for justice, giving us hope for humanity.

2025-05-31 15:06:57 GMT

It's probably too late to change it now, but the title of Drug Czar was a bad choice and doesn't make sense. It should be self-explanatory, not sound like they are the biggest drug dealer.

2025-05-30 14:32:18 GMT

Welcome to another episode of “Let's See If This Internet Stranger Gets Jokes”!

2025-05-27 03:25:27 GMT

People defending AI-generated “art” because AI is also used to find medical cures is like saying that smashing people’s toes with hammers should be acceptable because hammers are also used to build hospitals.

2025-05-21 01:57:45 GMT

Showing up to the office donning a sunburn with inverse raccoon eyes in the shape of Oakleys and a tank top that says “I'm on a zoom call (my jet ski goes zoom and was calling me)” the day after I called in sick.

2025-05-13 06:03:59 GMT

Don't destroy the piece of you that is cringe. Destroy the piece of you that cringes.

2025-05-08 22:51:49 GMT

Is it true? About the new pope? He’s the trombonist for a ska band?

2025-05-07 01:36:47 GMT

If I made a list of 100 things that I am worried about not being able to afford, I am pretty sure pencils and dolls would not be on it. It’s an absurd framing of the economic outlook and we should reject it.

2025-05-06 09:14:52 GMT

I miss the good old days before I realized everyone in charge was a piece of shit.

2025-04-24 16:00:53 GMT

Back in my day, we had novelty hard hats with cup holders and drinking tubes and didn’t have to ask someone to hold our beers before we did something with impaired judgment.

2025-04-24 12:30:05 GMT

Did you see that article about that study that determined really intelligent people do that thing that I also do?

2025-04-24 10:12:16 GMT

Good job aggressively holding the horn down for an extended period of time to point out my driving error instead of a brief heads-up honk. You really embarrassed my car in front of all its little friends.

2025-04-15 03:23:41 GMT

I don't know. Getting a ride on the Blue Origin rocket, which can fly with six or zero passengers, and calling yourself a crew member is like taking the subway and saying you were the conductor.

2025-04-08 11:02:13 GMT

I think it's time we stop the in-fighting and put aside our differences to focus on the real common enemy: people who didn't word their social media posts the way I think they should have.

2025-04-08 00:25:59 GMT

Did a woman’s post about men personally attack your feelings? Were you obligated to tell her why generalizations are wrong? You may be entitled to compensation. Dial 1-800-BUTT-HURT