Fesshole 🧻

Official Fesshole account on Mastodon

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* Fesshole is a project by robmanuel of b3ta.

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npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

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Profile Code

nprofile1qqstxgl34zv646g936yv33sk089w6sqqmj2a8cyqyfpnmyvumt0yygcpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qkhu6lz

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npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

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Last Notes

2024-08-27 20:25:02

My local cricket club live streams matches on a Saturday which then stay online. I always sit in view of the camera so there will be a permanent record of me sitting there with my now 14 year old dog.

2024-08-26 13:25:02

Got a full Friar Tuck bald spot. I really want to shave my head but then everyone will see the 'FANNY MEGNAT' (SIC) I drunkenly let a mate tattoo on the side of my head as a teenager. I've looked at getting it removed and it would be clearly visible for the months it would take.

2024-08-18 21:25:02

I gave up everything to be with another man & so did he. Now we've moved in together it's like looking after a child. He only eats beige food, plays the PS5 all night & doesn't clean up after himself. I saw his wife in asda & she just smiled. She knows what I'm experiencing

2024-08-18 15:25:03

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything "disparaging" about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, "I'm contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them." None have ever applied.

2024-08-17 18:25:03

The best thing I've ever done for my mental health was to keep an etch-a-sketch by the toilet. No more doomscrolling, chill out time on a regular basis, actually have some perspective on current events. Can't recommend it enough.

2024-08-11 22:25:02

Stayed on the office toilet so long, the automatic light in the room turned off. Couldn't get it back on from my stall so did my best to finish wiping in the dark. Later back in my office, nostrils confirmed it: my best wasn't good enough.

2024-08-09 01:25:03

My name in my email signature is Thomas, not Tom. Replying to me as Tom has just lost a builder a 90k job.

2024-08-09 00:25:02

Blew out a mates wedding 8 years ago cos it was was on a Thursday. They are getting divorced this month. I fee like I won

2024-08-08 23:25:02

Flatmate has to do the embarrassed waddle to the shops to buy loo roll about once a week. I actually have loads in my room, but faking a shortage is the only way to make the lazy sod actually contribute

2024-08-08 17:25:03

I've always freely burped with my mouth closed when I public because it silences it. Except, as I've just realised age 46, it doesn't at all.

2024-08-08 10:25:02

When I check out of a hotel, I set the alarm clock for 3:30am for the next guest. I'll never know if anyone has ever been woken up by it, but it makes my sadistic self giggle.

2024-08-07 23:25:02

My wife and daughter are germaphobes. Last night whilst making them pizza, I dropped it face down on the kitchen floor that hasn't been brushed or mopped for a week. Picked it up, put it on a plate, dusted it off and served it. Was more careful with mine.

2024-08-07 18:25:02

Sometimes I put Hey Duggee on for my son when I'm feeling sad, because he insists on giving me a cuddle when they say "Duggee Hug" at the end.

2024-08-03 20:25:02

Post divorce, dating my first completely bald man, he started kissing my neck and worked his way down my chest. Nice but when I opened my eyes and looked down, and I still know not why I was so indelicate, and said out loud "it looks like I've got three boobs." The End.

2024-08-02 21:25:02

I don't think anyone will believe this, but here goes. I'm a mechanic, yet I've never made up fake problems with cars to make more money. Nor have I ever half-arsed jobs to deliberately make the customer need to come back a few days/weeks later to spend more money.

2024-08-01 16:25:02

We are a family of five, including 3 young boys. Nobody warned me that my husband would be the biggest child. He's the messiest, makes the most washing and his emotional needs are endless. I didn't sign up for this.

2024-07-30 11:25:02

I'm 55 years old, and I've just run out of ink in a disposable biro. I consider this a genuine achievement

2024-07-28 19:25:02

I'm going to leave my girlfriend because she posts every thing we do together all over her social media. I just want my private life to be between us. Why do hundreds of random people have to be part of it too?

2024-07-28 00:25:03

We've got solar panels and when there's not enough power being generated to cover usage of big appliances I like to pretend I'm a star ship captain by turning stuff off from non essential systems. I issue commands like divert power from lights to tumble dryer.

2024-07-25 14:25:02

More advice than fess but I came home stoned craving a decent cup of coffee and discovered that Go-Cat is no substitute for coffee beans.

2024-07-24 19:25:03

Need to do taxes four times a year, which i make tolerable by playing the entire My Bloody Valentine discography in chronological order. I also note the song playing when I'm done. Current record is the beginning of "Sometimes" from Loveless.

2024-07-23 21:25:03

I wish I didn't try to be a hero. When I was homeless I foiled an attempted bank robbery. The thanks I got from the bank was a calculator and £25 of Amazon vouchers. The fuck does a homeless person do with Amazon vouchers? Should have let the bastards get robbed.

2024-07-23 17:25:02

I tie my laces via the 'bunny ear' method. I'm regularly mocked for this & told there's a quicker way. Unless that quicker way is Velcro, I'm sticking with the ears.

2024-07-23 10:25:02

Caring for grandad, who had for the most of his life been a carpenter & builder. He was never into computer games. Until he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He one day asked to have a go. Now we spend most evenings playing FPS games together, albeit badly. I'm going to miss this.

2024-07-22 19:25:03

Against my friends advice I brought a girl home and slept in my flatmates bed. Turns out she had scabbies and my flatmate and his fiancé ended up catching them. He dumped his fiancé thinking she was the cause. I've kept this secret for 30 years.

2024-07-22 14:25:02

I hate football. Dont follow it at all. Everytime another bloke starts talking to me about it, I respond with generic stuff to keep the conversation going, with things like 'oh it's gunna be a tough one'. Been doing it for years. And no one has ever called me out on it.

2024-07-21 15:25:02

My husband recently left me & my two small children. Friends & family have really rallied round with offers of help, shoulders to cry on & ready meals. I haven't told them I've actually never been happier & have less work & stress now that I'm only cleaning up after real kids

2024-07-21 00:25:02

A beer subscription outright refused to accept I wanted to cancel so I told them I'm a recovering alcoholic and my wife will leave with the kids if I don't stop getting beer delivered to the door. Not heard from them since. I don't even have kids.

2024-07-20 20:25:02

Work for a high end property developer and meet a lot of stupidly rich people. Always been a humble and content person, so have never felt jealous, until I met a guy who told me he had "completed" Lego. He literally buys every set, builds it then throws it away. Speechless

2024-07-20 15:25:02

Now that I live on my own after booting the ex-partner out, I exclusively do my poos in the upstairs bathroom and my wees in the downstairs toilet. The downstairs toilet hasn't been flushed for 7 days so far. Wonder how long I can keep that record going.

2024-07-18 21:25:02

Recently fired from my job at a large company after only 6 months working there. My manager only cared for their own promotion. Recently saw them advertise for my old job on LinkedIn. Have carefully constructed 7 fake exemplary candidates/profiles whom which have applied.

2024-07-15 10:25:03

I've used the same knife and fork for the last 20 years, I keep them hidden from my family and once used they go back into their hidden home.

2024-07-14 23:25:02

Most likely thing to get your affair discovered? Ending it. Turns out that hiding the resulting heartbreak, and having to explain regular bouts of tears, is way more sus than all the 'business trips' and 'late nights' at the office

2024-07-14 11:25:03

I have perfect pitch, but my wife is a terrible singer. She's convinced she's incredibly talented but she's always singing half a tone flat and I am struggling to cope. Trying to tell her this has resulted in nothing but arguments. I love her dearly but I am living in hell. Help

2024-07-13 22:25:02

I stay in the same hotel a few times a month, I've got a spreadsheet of rooms I've stayed in previous and always request a different one. Just so I can switch off the stupid Smooth Motion settings on all of the TV's so people can watch things how they were intended to be viewed.

2024-07-12 12:25:03

Got seconded on a work project and was getting huge imposter syndrome as everyone seemed super intelligent. After a month i realised they are all just good at using bullshit corporate buzzwords and most of them are actually thick as pigshit.

2024-07-11 18:25:03

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

2024-07-11 12:25:03

I pinched a stuffed badger from a pub on a drunken night out. Wife went ballistic when she saw it the next morning. Made me take it back so I dropped it on the pub doorstep early and rung them in a disguised voice 'ze badger ist on ze doorstep '. It made the local paper

2024-07-10 12:25:03

Wife wanted to watch a bit of porn as foreplay. It worked. We were like mad, rampant ferrets in a sack, but the split second after ejaculaton the laptop played an ad with the sad trombone. Funniest thing that has ever happened to me and I can tell no one.

2024-07-10 10:25:02

Male, 44. Turned up at speed dating event & there were fourteen women & I was the only man. All the women decided to stay single rather than even talk to me for two minutes. Left with a smile and a cheery "no problem" but inside I was devastated at the size of this rejection.

2024-07-09 18:25:02

Just got a warning from office security because I let a stranger tailgate me through the keypass door. Truth is I'm face blind and was too embarrassed to challenge them in case it was a close colleague

2024-07-09 16:25:02

Sometimes I can only afford a little bit of petrol. To save embarrassment at the forecourt, I squeeze the pump gently to prolong the filling process. This gives the illusion to fellow motorists that I'm filling the tank. I drive an expensive German car on a leasing contract

2024-07-08 11:25:03

Woman on the street in London asked me for directions to her hotel, as I checked on my phone she made a comment about needing to avoid 'the gays' at 'that awful pride march', spoken with a really disgusted tone. So I sent her the wrong way.

2024-07-07 23:05:19

Worked in the bookies for a year. This gamble responsibly, stop when the fun stops is nonsense. I was told during training if I ever raised a concern about a punters gambling addiction I'd lose my job.

2024-07-07 18:25:02

I could be in prison right now. Was struggling to pay rent, buy food, etc. Planned to rob some shops. But the first one I walked into had a beautiful woman behind the counter. Asked her for a drink instead, she said yes. She genuinely pulled me off the wrong path. I love you Sara

2024-07-07 13:25:02

Until very recently I thought that the best before date on eggs was because after a while they could start to turn into chickens and hatch.

2024-07-07 12:25:03

Up until recently I never consciously washed behind my ears, I just shampooed & let that do the job, until I read about wiping a finger behind your ear and sniffing it. It was bad

2024-07-06 14:25:02

I must have more ziplock bags than the average drug dealer, but I promise you it's all from buying Lego on the secondary market.

2024-07-06 10:25:03

Just found out that the guy who wrote 1984 is a different person to the one who directed Citizen Kane. I thought Orwell was just his two names together, like JLo.

2024-07-05 17:25:03

The Mrs eats scrambled eggs. I put salmon in mine to make it bearable as I don't like them. Turns out she's only eating them as she thought I liked them. Took 15 years of marriage and fortnightly scrambled eggs to work this out.

2024-07-05 01:25:02

I'm a pilot for a big airline and I keep a record of all my international poos; date, time, coordinates, speed. It's called my log log and it's way more up to date than my flying logbook and the map looks amazing. Nobody knows

2024-07-03 14:25:02

Sometimes, when my cat is mad at me, I pretend to be on a phone call explaining to a friend why she's the best cat in the world. It always cheers her up and she cuddles with me after. I've never told anyone until now.

2024-07-02 17:25:02

Someone--no idea who--has been using one of my streaming accounts to work their way through a popular TV series. I see their progress every time the "continue watching" list is displayed. They have one episode left, the big series finale. I changed my account password today.

2024-07-02 11:25:02

Last year my wife came home from her work's Xmas party and she randomly gave me a blowjob. How the hell can you come home from a work's party horny? She's keeping something quiet isn't she?

2024-07-01 22:25:03

My wife made two loaves of homemade bread, she went out while they cooled, I had a slice, then two, next I realised I'd eaten 1 and half loaves, so I threw the remaining loaf into the dogs basket, she'd forgive him before she'd forgive me. It was tasty bread though.

2024-07-01 14:25:02

Terminal cancer sufferer here. 6 months to live tops. My wife has been amazing through it all. So much so that I haven't mentioned that I know she is having an affair with a neighbour. He is actually a nice guy and the thought she won't be alone after I have gone makes me happy.

2024-06-30 13:25:03

In a sexually open relationship for the last 10 years now.
For her last birthday I hired her a "well endowed" male escort to pleasure her every which way, which she enjoyed immensely. 6 months later for my birthday. Yep. A pair of socks and some beers.

2024-06-29 23:25:02

I dumped my boyfriend because he kept giving his cat more treats than my cat, despite his cat always being a little shit and mine always being an angel.

2024-06-29 18:25:02

Had a boss at work who was obsessed with the book "Who Moved My Cheese?" and made everyone read it. I took great pleasure in taking his copy and hiding it, so he'd get frustrated when he couldn't find it.

2024-06-29 16:25:02

Just had a new kitchen fitted. They raised the base units by approx 2 inches, I can no longer piss in the sink.

2024-06-29 12:25:02

I've been my Church's organist for about 15 years. I came back after a long illness and to my dismay an insufferable "child prodigy" had replaced me. She couldn't even reach the pedals. I changed the transpose settings to a random key and she got the offertory notes wrong.

2024-06-28 17:25:02

On a night out I pulled a hot guy in a club. Went home with him, great drunk sex. Used the loo in his flat and got back into bed and we had round two. Next morning I realised I got into bed with and shagged his flatmate.

2024-06-27 18:25:03

I spent the last few years pretending to be at university to close family. They all are expecting me to graduate next year. I've no idea how to get out of it.

2024-06-27 10:25:02

Live next to a popular dog walking spot. Keep getting random people putting their dog poo bags in my wheelie bin. Put one of those halloween props in there that jumps at you when you open the lid. 1 guy didn't see the funny side & banged on my door for 10 mins. Didnt answer.

2024-06-26 19:25:03

Retired vet. Whenever someone brought in a perfectly healthy animal to be put to sleep, I always encouraged it to be done privately in their absence. If they agreed, I secretly sent the animal to some friends who run a rehoming centre. Still charged for the "euthanasia".

2024-06-26 12:25:03

When I was 20, and plastered, I saw a UFO. I was in awe. I questioned existence and humans place in the universe. I took a video of it to show to my mates. I watched the video in the morning, it was a fucking seagul lit up by lamp posts.

2024-06-26 11:25:02

I've started timing my pees to see how long they last. The highest I've gotten is around 35 seconds so far, it's addictive.

2024-06-25 11:25:02

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said 'amazing news'. She told me baby was three months old and I'd just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

2024-06-24 20:25:03

Work at a company which has the personal details of about 6million people on file. Had a data breach some months ago, all your personal details were accessed by an unauthorised party. Nobody outside the company noticed, so they kept quiet & never reported it.

2024-06-24 01:25:02

My boyfriend has started working from home 1 day a week. The way he speaks to his colleagues has been a bit of an eye opener that's making me reconsider our relationship. Just today i've heard him say the phrases low hanging fruit, synergy, proof in the pudding & extra bandwidth.

2024-06-23 11:25:03

My wife and I had joked about eating food from each others' bodies. One night I spread Nutella on my nipples before she came to bed. The combination of oily hazelnut chocolate spread and my thick chest hair is not sexy, or easy to wash off.

2024-06-22 18:25:02

My beloved late grandfather used to watch the political stories on the news until it reached a point where it deeply irked him. He would then switch the telly off with the words "Enough Cuntery for One Day". I now say this reflexively and it definitely helps.

2024-06-21 20:25:02

New guy came up with a great idea to maximise production at the company. I delivered the idea to the company CEO & claimed that it was mine. CEO loved it, implemented it, & promoted me to an executive position. Ain't letting a new person outshine my years of experience there.

2024-06-21 19:25:02

I've limited the available bandwidth on all my kids devices. We live in the arsehole of nowhere with barely above dial-up speeds. I'm not buffering a show every 10 seconds so they can watch HD TikToks about how Australia is a made up place and ancient Rome wasn't real.

2024-06-21 13:25:03

I use ChatGPT to write complaints and claim charge back under section 75 of the Consumer Credit Act. If my request is denied, I reply with another AI-generated wall-of-text until they give up and agree to at least a partial refund. Got 1,209 pounds in the last 6 months.

2024-06-20 23:25:03

Whenever I throw old socks or pants in the bin when they are beyond reasonable use due to holes, I always give them a kiss and thank them for their service.

2024-06-20 11:25:03

My work canteen has this amazing old Jamaican lady working there who fills our plates to bursting point. The bosses tried to get rid of her for "costing them too much" but we all stopped work until they changed their minds and kept her on. We love you Betty you legend.

2024-06-19 15:25:02

I've been wheelchair bound since 2018. I am so fucking tired of having my path completely blocked by arseholes parking their cars on the pavement, I now carry a small Swiss Army Knife with one of those metal punch attachements. 33 tyres ruined and counting. Cunts.

2024-06-18 23:25:02

Had an argument on twitter. Moved to DMs. Became just insults and is now just one word replies. The same word each time. Sent thousands of the same message. Neither of us will give in. It's now a competition of who dies last.

2024-06-18 14:25:02

Having an affair with my boss. One of those like you see in films and tv where he takes me to nice hotels and buys me lingerie. Except for when we're having sex he still only wants to talk about work. Even the steamy affair isn't enough to stop him constantly bringing up work.

2024-06-17 21:25:02

Ever since I renamed the discoverable name of my WiFi box, "Drug Surveillance Van #3", I no longer get a whiff of skunk from the neighbour's garden.

2024-06-17 20:25:02

I kicked my husband our because friends had seen him kissing another woman, I didn't give him the option to explain, we eventually divorced, months after friends took me out to dinner, they pointed over to a guy and said can you believe he's out with her. It wasn't him.

2024-06-17 17:25:02

Really fancied the new girl in work. She wears band t-shirts & is clearly into rock & metal music. I lied & said i was also into the same type of music. She asked me who my favourite band was. I said Linked-In Park instead of Linkin Park. She laughed at me for a solid 10 mins.

2024-06-17 14:25:03

Always wanted to get into an IKEA display bed, 2 days ago I got into one and pulled the duvet all the way up. Stayed there for 20 minutes until I was told to move. Most comfortable bed ever.

2024-06-16 23:25:02

I'm a hobby lock picker and some friends of mine booked an escape room where we had to find number combinations for padlocks. It was fastest wins so i just picked the locks, about 15 seconds each, now I'm trying to explain myself to my friends without sounding like a thief.

2024-06-16 16:25:02

I'm looking forward to this UK General Election more than I've looked forward to Christmas in over 30 years

2024-06-16 13:25:02

At Uni, I got apocalyptically drunk and the bouncer wouldn't let me in. He knew I was studying Engineering so I said if I could recite Pi to 20 decimal places would he let me in and he agreed. Mates and him were really impressed when I did, truth is I made it up past 3.14

2024-06-14 18:25:02

Watched one of our directors talk absolute drivel, but said it with such confidence and conviction that everyone bought into it. Decided to start doing the same, which lead to 2 promotions in 18 months. The job i have now i have no idea what i'm doing. But the pay is great.

2024-06-14 14:25:02

I work for a company that cleans up after music festivals. It's a shit job, but one of the perks is I haven't had to buy drugs for years. You'd be amazed at what people leave behind them, once found what I thought was a weed pen but turned out to be DMT. Very interesting 30 mins

2024-06-13 19:25:02

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head.

2024-06-13 17:25:02

I work in a builders merchant. Whenever someone comes in to order artificial turf I charge them around 20% more than the original price whenever possible. I call it the Lazy selfish biodiversity hating cunt tax

2024-06-13 11:25:02

I used modelling software at work, the Census, and Kinsey's study of human sexual behaviour to calculate how many hand shandies are being knocked out at any given moment in the UK. 6,848.

2024-06-12 13:25:03

My colleagues keep posting their Wordle scores in the work WhatsApp group. Created a new group called Wordle Chat, added everyone and left immediately

2024-06-12 12:25:02

I've struggled with insomnia for years. One night I put Hitler's Secret Sex Life on Netflix and put my airpods in. Slept like a baby. I've been using it for around two years now. Genuinely terrified of it coming off Netflix.

2024-06-11 22:25:02

Wife found weed in our teenage sons bedroom and confiscated it, then we booked an airbnb for the weekend, ordered pizza and got high as a kite, best weekend ever

2024-06-11 13:25:02

Over the years, I have collected over 1,500 games on my Steam account so far, most of them bought from discount sales. That's roughly £18,000 worth of games. I will be leaving my Steam account to my son when I die.

2024-06-10 18:00:09

BIG LOVE to Hebtroco for continuing to sponsor Fesshole. Buy one of their lovely 'iron shirts' that came about from a production error (actual jeans material for a shirt) and then turned out to be an accidentally great idea https://hebtro.co/the-iron-shirt/
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/112/593/154/975/567/790/original/07ad826b596c420e.png

2024-06-10 14:25:03

Self employed Fencing Contractor. If I'm working in your garden and you don't offer me a hot drink, I will add £20 to your invoice to cover my takeaway coffee I have to buy

2024-06-10 11:25:02

Job interview with a written task - given a laptop to write a proposal. Proposals by other interviewees were in recent files - took the best bits, added some of my own, got brilliant feedback & offered job. Turned it down, not working for idiots who can't protect stuff like that.

2024-06-09 23:25:02

Jaded Hiring Manager here. I have started looking for mistakes in people's CVs and offering them interviews, despite much better candidates being available. I am sick of talking to ultra-professional robots and it makes me feel like I'm doing a good deed